Neon Fire {dl}

Chapter 23

I hate you, don't leave me
I feel like I can't breathe
Just hold me, don't touch me
And I want you to love me
But I need you to trust me
Stay with me, set me free
But I can't back down
No, I can't deny
That I'm staying now
'Cause I can't decide
Confused and scared
I am terrified of you

I admit I'm in and out of my head
Don't listen to a single word I've said
Just hear me out before you run away
'Cause I can't take this pain

I hate you, don't leave me

I hate you, don't leave me
'Cause I love when you kiss me
I'm in pieces, you complete me
But I can't back down
No, I can't deny
That I'm staying now
'Cause I can't decide
Confused and scared
I am terrified of you

I admit I'm in and out of my head
Don't listen to a single word I've said
Just hear me out before you run away
'Cause I can't take this pain, no

I'm addicted to the madness
I'm a daughter of the sadness
I've been here too many times before
Been abandoned and I'm scared now
I can't handle another fall out
I'm fragile, just washed upon the shore

They forget me, don't see me
When they love me, they leave me

I admit I'm in and out of my head
Don't listen to a single word I've said
Just hear me out before you run away
'Cause I can't take this pain
No, I can't take this pain
I hate you, don't leave me
I hate you, please love me

~Leah

"Why the fuck can't I keep it together Lauren?" I asked, my voice desperate.. Pleading. I needed an answer. Advice. I don't know. Something that would keep me from hurting myself.. From hurting Demi. Again.

"You tell me," she huffed. "What's scaring you so much that you need to do... Well this." She gestured to my arms. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes.

"That's the thing. I don't even know myself." I admitted, not wanting to look her in the eye. I didn't want to see the pity that was held in her gaze. Pity never helped me.

"It's like I take one step forward and then three steps back." I continued on, fighting the waves of exhaustion that were suddenly flooding over me. "I say I want to her better, I make all the promises in the world, say all the right things... And then in one single moment it all comes crashing down."

I felt Lauren's hand move from my leg to my bandaged hand. I winced inwardly as the bandage rubbed against my torn skin.

"Something tells me you're not just talking about your recovery." She ventured. My eyes snapped open and focused on her.

"How did you-.." She shook her head, cutting me off.

"I'm no fool, Leah," she sighed. "When we found you.. Demi wasn't too far behind and she said some things. About a promise you made to her..?"

I gulped, suddenly uncomfortable. I'm never leaving you again. I promise. My own words came back to haunt me. I had blatantly lied to Demi's face and not even thought twice about it. I focused back on what Lauren was saying as she continued on.

"I've known Demi for a long while now," she said, her voice soft as she reminisced about Demi's last stint in the rehab centre. "And from my experiences with her it's obvious she's a passionate girl. She throws her everything into things she loves, things she cares about.. People she cares about. She'd literally die for the people that mean the most to her in the world.
But her heart, as big and as pure as it is.. It's so fragile Leah. It's like it's made of glass. Glass that's been broken before and she's stuck it all back together as best as she can."

She paused, her words sinking in.. Hitting me hard.

"She told me once that she felt like her heart didn't mean anything to anyone. Like it was meant to be used and abused time and time again. She felt like she let people in way too fast, told them things far too soon. And she was always let down. Abandoned. Broken. Demi has given herself completely over to you. You're literally holding her heart in your hands and you're not holding it right enough. And that's scaring her to death because she knows what it's like to fall."

I stared at Lauren, her words rendering me speechless. She saw my bewilderment and smiled thinly at me.

"I know I probably shouldn't say this and I should really be advising against all relationships between residents," she admitted slowly. "But I think you're made of more than this Leah. I think you can pick yourself up and learn to fly again. And I think your wings are strong enough to carry Demi as well."

I swallowed nervously, the gravity of the amount of responsibility I had hitting me like a truck. It was like a sudden realisation had dawned on me, like I was seeing things in a new light: I needed to fix myself. Not for my family. Not for Lauren. For me. For Demi. Because, like it or not, she was now a huge part of me.

A smile crept it's way across my features jut thinking about her. The way she made me feel. She made everything worth it. She was worth all the pain. Lauren smiled at my expression before a massive yawn suddenly erupted from her mouth. I giggled.

"You need some sleep Lauren," I commented. "You look like hell and I bet the head honchos at the clinic aren't gonna make your life easy for the next while because of this." She nodded in agreement, scrunching her eyes.

"You can say that again." She groaned. She stood up and started to make her way to the door. I called her back.

"Make sure she's ok." I said, my expression pleading. "Just make sure she's ok and she sleeps as well.. I know she's super pissed at me and I totally 100% deserve it but.. She's in recovery too and she needs to concentrate on that." Lauren nodded, smiling at me strangely. I frowned.

"What?" She shook her head.

"Nothing, it's just.. You're finally thinking about her before yourself. It's a start." She replied, her smile still present. I smiled back.

"See you later boss." I quipped and she gave a laugh before disappearing through the doorway. I shook my head with a chuckle and laid my head back on the pillow. A nurse came in and fiddled around with some of the tubes that were hanging out of my arm.

"Any chance you could tell me when I can get out if this place?" I asked, causing her to start a little. She shrugged her shoulders.

"It depends." She stated simply, her accent heavy and drawling. I narrowed my eyes.

"Depends on what?" She sighed.

"Well we need to keep a eye on your wounds to prevent infections, monitor your blood count, blood pressure.. Also we need to do a risk assessment on you. If you pass all that you can go."

I groaned and closed my eyes. Risk assessment. Great. Because I'll totally pass that.. I just wanted to go back to the centre. Back to Demi.

Because I belong with her.

---------------------------------------------

Hi there beautiful :)

So chapter 23 is finally here!! It's really REALLY short and I do apologise but I just got back to school today and I'm so tired so that sucks :(

But on the bright side hopefully I'll be able to update really regularly so don't panic :)

As always, stay fabulous.

L x

@shadowlovatic