Missing Piece

30. Forbidden treasure

  I was holding the little bag in my pocket. Why did I take it? Why would I?
  It felt like I was constantly betraying him by having it.
  I looked around to see if no one was watching and took the purse out of my pocket. I checked if the containment was still there and hadn't vanished, not that such thing could actually be possible.
  In my eyes you could see the reflection of the glimmering dust.
  Kylo had ordered me to collect and destroy it, so no one could use it against him again. But for the first time in my life I didn't obey, I had collected it and kept it in the tiny bag I was holding.
  I got hypnotised as I looked at the shining kyberdust, so beautiful and yet so dangerous. In the wrong hands it could be used to overpower Jedi... or Sith.
  I didn't know why I took it, why I broke Kylo's trust. But it had seemed like it had spoken to me, telling me to keep it.
  And I was too weak to disobey. Or was I too strong to just follow orders and be sure not to get killed? I don't know the answers.
  All I do know is that I was hiding in a small corner of the ship, looking at my forbidden treasure.
  It felt so wrong, yet so right. Why wouldn't I be allowed to have something to protect myself? Kylo had his Force powers, I deserved to have protection too. But protection against who?

  I quickly hid the bag when I heard someone call for me.
  "(Y/n)?!" Phasma stepped around the corner. "What are you doing here?" She pronounced word for word. Something I noticed she liked to do, as if speaking to a child.
  "Hiding from my ferocious guard dog of course. Yet, I forgot she has an incredible nose, I must give her that," I said agitated.
  During the whole trip Phasma had acted like some kind of spy, following my every movement. Which annoyed me very much. Stupid Armitage.
  "And what are you doing here?" I couldn't suppress my curiosity. Phasma had followed me all day indeed, but she never actually spoke.
  "Master Ren would like to speak you. Even though I don't know what he sees in you, scum." Her voice sounded as robotic as always.
  "Oh alright, so now I'm on Resistance level, scum huh? At least I didn't fall asleep on my first day of duty."
  Phasma didn't say a thing and just started walking towards the control room. Luckily she wasn't allowed to enter.
  I glanced at her one last time, before I entered.

  My frustration and confidence was all gone the second I was alone in the room with the mighty Kylo Ren. Whom I had disobeyed, a life threatening action.
  I prayed with everything I had that he wouldn't be able to read my mind.
  I really do have respect for him, that's why I don't understand for whatever reason I disobeyed him. But I don't want to get killed for listening to some freaking dust.
  This was one of the moments I wished I could go back, back to the moments Kylo and I were comfortable. I don't know what happened that distanced us, maybe we had never been close at all. He's probably just nice to me because of Matt, right?
  "Why so stiff?"
  I realised I hadn't said a word and that my whole body was tensioned. "I'm sorry, Commander. I just had a little argument with Phasma," I made up. "Why is it you summoned me?" The worst possible scenario entered my mind. "There isn't anything wrong with Matt, right?"
  I hadn't been allowed to enter the infirmary, where Matt lay.
  Every single stormtrooper had awaken, but he was the only one who hadn't left the infirmary. Which was a shame because I really wanted to be with him. To tell him everything, even though I couldn't, ask him about how he and Han had the same blaster skills, and inquire if he knew why and how Kylo was here all out of the sudden...
  Kylo gestured for me to calm down. "No, nothing is wrong with Matt. I only wanted to know if you destroyed the kyberdust."
  I felt my heart sting.
"I have."

  "Why do you have to go? Can't they sent someone else? You aren't even fully tutored yet."
  It had been two days since we came back and I finally had the chance to speak with Matt about everything. But before I had the chance, he told me about his upcoming task.
  "Kylo personally asked me, and I think it's an honour," Matt said stubbornly.
  "But Matt you've just been released from the infirmary, and I have so much to discuss with you." I tried to convince him not to go, but he had already made up his mind.
  "You know I have to go, can you please not, ehm, make it any harder." Matt scratched the back of his head.
  Matt pretended like it was an honour to go on a mission with Kylo Ren, but deep down I knew it was hard for him to leave.
  Yes, he had been taking distance, and I still don't know why, but he also still cared about me.
  Perhaps he maintained distance because he thought he wasn't worthy enough. Which would be a typical Matt thing, thinking that he wasn't worthy enough and that he should admire those who were, like Kylo Ren.
  But I knew he was worthy, worthy of all the love I could offer him. All he had to do was allow himself to lean in.
  However, I didn't want to push him. I wished for him to find out himself... with a little help, of course.
  But if he's always gone, I can't help him.

  "I don't like leaving you behind either."
  "Okay, but the second you're back you will make time to talk." I shook my head in disapproval. "Weird saying that as a mentor towards her student."
  Matt chuckled, he always loved my comments. "I promise."
  Out of the ordinary, it was him who took me in his embrace.
  I allowed myself to let my guard down and just enjoyed the moment as I was safe in his hold. No expectations, no need to achieve and prove myself.
  His strong arms, and surprisingly broad chest made contact with my body as he held me close and placed his chin on my head. "I promise..."