Missing Piece

53. Acceptance

  My first impulse was to apologise, apologise until I could no more.
  But my fury won. There were more people than Kylo alone, to hold a grudge.
  "You're not the only one with nightmares, Matt!"
  That's when it hit Kylo, being all the explaining he needed.
  Once I'd started, everything continued to fall from my tongue. And with everything, I mean everything.
  "You lied to me, fooled me! You can't possibly imagine how hard it was! Not only having to find out myself, no that's not enough, I also had to feel bad for caring about Ren. Making me feel like a cheater, resenting myself, for betraying you to pursue another fling of... " I performed air quotes, "...'adoration'. The fling who turned out to be you as well. Can you hear how fucked up that sounds?" I let my words sink in before I went on, hoping to see regret, sadness, anything, through that emotionless helmet of his. "I prepared this trap for you, to protect myself and end all that is complicated in my life." My voice starve away.
It was Ren who continued, with an intense stare that would have made me shrink if I hadn't been so pissed off. "But you didn't. You didn't finish the job, you couldn't do it."
I unwillingly started to shout, throat already dry. "Yes, I was weak, I know that now!! No need to rub it in, you cruel serpent!"
But Kylo shook his head, somehow remaining calm in the midst of the storm.
I hated it. How could he stay so calm, did he really think so little of me? Not having the slightest care in the world for how I was feeling?
"You weren't weak, you were strong, stronger than I can and ever will be. You overcame your pain, you let yourself be guided by, how soppy as it may sound, love..." Despite the situation, Kylo chuckled ironically. "My mother used to tell me about these kind of gestures when I was a kid. I never understood her." His voice lingered, the depth of it still echoing inside the room. Or was it inside my head? "Now I do."

I couldn't hold it anymore, salty water started to well up in my eyes. My inner conflict was tearing me apart, paining me from the soul.
I loved this man with the whole of my heart, but did I allow him to hold the most cherished part of my being? What if he decided to crush it again? I didn't believe I'd survive that.
"Do you have any idea of how stupid I feel?" The first tears started their journey down my cheeks. "Not because I didn't see the signs of your act, because oh, the gods know I did." I bit back a sharp, shaky breath, trying my best not to start hyperventilating.
Kylo attempted to step closer, having the undeniable urge to soothe me.
"No." I sneered half-heartedly in order to keep him at distance. I needed to finish this. "No, I feel stupid because I thought I could simply rewrite reality. That, maybe, if I'd just ignore it, it would be real, you know?" I bit down my lip, hoping to focus and not give in to the overwhelming sense of defeat. "The lies, the illusion, all of it."
The words abided in the tense air, friction played its game with our body temperatures and heartbeats.
  "It doesn't have to be an illusion." Kylo whispered. "Not anymore."
  For the first time, I noticed for emotion to bleed through Kylo's voice. Like an injured animal, finally laying down to admit defeat and lick its wounds.
  "I'm sorry for not trusting you. For not trusting us. I wanted to keep my lives separated, out of nothing but fear. I'm sorry for not daring to put my faith in you. And I'm sorry for making you patronise yourself, I resent my own being for it." Kylo clenched his lightsaber furiously, knuckles pressed tightly against the leather of his gloves, angry at no one but himself. "I should have made you feel inviolable, unequalled, and most of all, I should have made you feel loved."
Kylo paused, inhaling a deep breath, trying to cease his train of thought, one without a driver, about to crash into the ravine of uncontrollable, raging emotions.
"I'm the stupid one. I came up with irrational presumptions about how you would feel about me, the real me, the whole me. It was selfish, but I know better now than to underestimate you." He let go of the lightsaber, allowing it to lifelessly dangle on his belt. "And so I believe you can rewrite reality. Hell, you proved that to me time and again. So who truly turns the blind eye here?"
Kylo opened his arms, genuinely astonished by how ridiculous he had been. "Before you, I didn't even know that allowing the past to settle and moving on was even an option. Let alone to be free, free of ghosts from the past, free to open oneself for new emotions and adventures. I might be unworthy of your time, and I will accept that, but do know you fixed me, (Y/n), you truly did."