Everything I Wanted by Billie Eilish
Billies POV
"Darling." A soft knock hit my door and I jumped. I rested a palm over my heart and tried to slow my rapid breathing as Y/N entered my red lit room.
"angel, whats wrong?" y/n asked softly as she slid next to me in bed. It was a tough question to answer. A lot was wrong, but nothing she nor anyone else could fix. It was just one of those nights, when you had some of those feelings and were bombarded by a lot of those thoughts.
"Nothing." I answered and pulled a blanket over my shoulders.
"Nothing wrong but you're crying and flushed?" y/n held a cold hand to my forehead. "I don't believe that, babygirl. What's got you upset?"
"I had a dream." I shrugged lamely.
"A dream?" She asked.
"It might've been a nightmare. I don't know. It doesn't matter." I tried to dismiss but y/n didn't let me.
"It does matter. You always matter to me. Tell me about your dream." y/n asked kindly as she rubbed circles on my back.
"It was weird. I got everything I wanted." I remembered.
"And that was a nightmare?" y/n was confused.
"It wasn't what you'd think." I hugged the blanket tighter around me. " I thought I could fly so I stepped off the golden gate and..." I shrugged and looked at my hands. "Nobody cried. Nobody even noticed." I looked at y/n in sadness and she sighed.
"Who didn't notice?" she asked quietly.
"My family, friends. Couple strangers. I saw them standing right there. I don't know, I kinda thought they might care. Maybe not the strangers, but the people who claim to love me at least." my voice wavered with despair.
"They do love you." y/n promised.
You were quiet.
"You believe that, don't you?" she asked again.
"I guess so." I lied.
"I love you." y/n stated firmly. "You believe that, right?"
"Yes." I said quickly, not wanting to upset her.
"Did anything else happen in the dream?" she wanted to know as much as she could so she could help my. "Did it end there?"
"No. It didn't end there." I shook my head. "I fell all the way down. I tried to scream but my head was underwater. I could see everyone I've ever known on the shore above me. They called me weak." I spat. "They called me weak like I'm not just somebody's daughter."
"It wasn't real, angel." y/n stroked my hair soothingly.
"But it felt like they were right there." I yelled. I quieted down, not meaning to raise my voice at y/n. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay. You can let your feelings out on me, baby. I'll always be here to listen. Is anything else wrong?" she asked. I didn't say anything but my lip began to tremble.
"Baby?" she asked again. "Is everything okay?"
I sniffled and wiped my nose on the back of my sleeve.
"I've been having a bit of a hard time." I said in a quiet voice. And then, tears. All my bottled up emotions came out.
"Honey, it's okay. I'm here. It's all right." y/n said as she ran to get some tissues.
"It's not all right. I feel like I'm losing myself. It feels like someone else is holding the strings and I'm not in control. And it feels like yesterday was a year ago. I don't feel in control and it scares me. I don't even know why I'm here or what purpose I'm serving. I'm so overwhelmed but I don't wanna let anybody know because everybody wants something from me now and I don't wanna let them down." I cried.
"You're not letting anyone down." y/n pulled me to her chest and held me tightly against her body. I cried in rhythm to her heartbeat as she detangled my hair with her fingers.
"I just want to feel okay again." I sobbed into her chest.
"You will. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day. And I'm gonna be here, holding your hand everyday until you feel okay again. You don't have to go through this alone. You'll never been alone. Whatever you're going through or whatever you're feeling, someone else has felt it too. You're not alone in this. And as long as I'm here, no one can hurt you." y/n promised me. "If I could change the way that you see yourself, you wouldn't wonder why you're here. You give everything you can to everyone, and they don't deserve you. You're not weak. I've never known someone stronger."
"Really?" I sniffled and looked at her through my damp lashes.
"Of course. You are strong and brave and honest and beautiful." y/n smiled as she tucked hair behind my ear. "You're everything I wanted."
🥺🥺🥺🥺
Currently in tears.
Make sure to vote if you liked it and comment any requests please let me know.
Bye 👋
