Won't you believe me? (Servant no more - book 2)

Chapter 49

Wei Wuxian knew he was not able to shut his heart closed anymore. It was too late for that already. Those sweet words that he wanted to hear so much had already made their way to the very core of his being and it was now impossible to eradicate them. He knew he had to forget them, he could not allow himself to even consider them, much less hope they would come true.

But he simply could not. He was too weak to discard them; he had been foolish enough to let them take root so they could never be taken out unless being removed together with part of his heart. He was not sure that after this, he would survive going back to the Lotus Pier Manor and act like nothing had happened. To pretend Lan Xichen had never said anything.

He had already been slipping in his behaviour more than he would like, and surely more than Madame Yu would ever allow. He was already anticipating a disaster that could completely break whatever pieces of his being were still intact. He did not want to believe anything and yet, his longing for all his master was offering was way too strong for him to remain indifferent as he had been until now.

Finally, Lan Xichen stopped talking and Wei Wuxian could take a ragged breath. He was blinking like crazy, trying to chase tears from his eyes. He could not break down right here and now. It would be an inconvenience for everyone. He was suddenly very grateful that he had been offered to go rest, he could hide in a bed and not let anyone see him like this.

When his master continued to look at him with expectation and way too much kindness in his eyes, Wei Wuxian bowed. He knew it was only polite for him to thank Lan Xichen for his nice words, no matter how torturous they were to him personally. His master must have spoken in good faith, not knowing that what he was offering was impossible for Wei Wuxian to ever have.

He was not blaming him for trying to be kind. Those were some of the sweetest things he had ever been told and offered. Even though he was devastated only hearing those words, he was still grateful to his master for being so kind and considerate.

It could have been much worse. Lan Xichen could have already burst out laughing and mocking Wei Wuxian for ever believing a word that came out from his mouth. If this had been Wen Chao, it would have ended up like that. Luckily, Wei Wuxian was no longer in the Nightless City Manor, he was no longer Wen Chao's personal servant and plaything. He had to actually take several deep breaths to remind himself of this fact lest he would truly crumble right there and then, all the pieces scattering around, never to be retrieved and put together again.

He was so deep in the spiral of his emotions that he was bowing automatically, not thinking about the action and the motions at all. His body was so used to this that he did not have to even control how he was doing it; it had become a second nature.

That was why, he stopped immediately and was thrown out of his thoughts when his hands came in contact with something solid. Since he had not been paying attention to his surroundings, he was now immediately panicking, he did not know what he had bumped into and he was sure that it meant nothing good for him. Had he offended his masters at last? Was that why the world had suddenly become deathly quiet?

Wei Wuxian did not dare to look up, he was frozen solid in fright and shock. All he could do was wait for something, anything, to be done to him. His mind was blank as well right now. He was not thinking about what had happened or what would happen. He was simply frozen in the current moment, unable to do anything at all.

His shock only escalated to still unknown heights when he realized that what he had bumped into must have actually been Lan Xichen. He felt fingers touching him through his thin robe. To his feverish body, it was very comfortable to have something cool touching him like this, it was chasing away the sensations of heat. Wei Wuxian almost wanted to move and have those cool hands touch him more, especially his forehead which was now burning like crazy.

He was being irrational, he knew. He should not be lingering around like this, he should step back and apologize. He should kowtow and hope that Lan Xichen had not been too offended by his insolence. In the end though, he could not. He was still frozen in place, completely unable to move except for his heart and lungs which were both racing to accomplish their duties. He felt strangely like a rabbit who was caught in a torchlight, panicking and wanting to run away but being unable to do so.

Lan Xichen pushed his hand up a little, not using much force, just showing him to stand up. And strangely enough, at that moment, Wei Wuxian's body decided to obey the prompting. His mind was still not into it, he did it simply out of reflex. His body knew not do disobey when someone was asking him to do something.

Once he was standing straight, he felt frozen again. At least his mind was starting to work now. Which, frankly speaking, was perhaps not that great all things considered. It went back to catch up on everything it had missed and it was working way too quickly for Wei Wuxian to be able to react in any way.

He was wondering why his master did not want him to bow and thank him for his kindness. He could not understand what was happening. He had not even reacted to Lan Xichen touching him which should have made him flinch at the very least, or fall to his knees to beg for forgiveness which would be more likely. A memory of both Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji stopping him from bowing came to mind and Wei Wuxian was afraid that he had once again done something which he was forbidden to do.

At the same time though, he marvelled at the fact that physical contact could be this heart-warming and not only painful as it had been for him almost his whole life. Of course, he knew that usually, people's touches should be enjoyable, he had seen it plenty of times, with others that was. For him, he was more often hit or kicked and he only ever experienced kind touches from Jiang Yanli and Lan Wangji. Now, what Lan Xichen had just done was making him shocked for all different reasons.

Was this what everyone else experienced when they were touched by other people? Was this what it was like to feel accepted and at ease? Had Wei Wuxian perhaps experienced this marvellous feeling when he had been a child and living with his biological parents? He could not remember clearly and it almost made him cry. It was so nice he wanted more of this. After all, last evening, he had almost begged for Lan Wangji to stroke his head more.

It must have been his fever acting up again. He was becoming unnecessarily emotional and way too greedy for his own good. He should not be getting used to welcoming this type of kindness from his masters. It would just dull his instincts and he would only regret it later on. With the Lan family, it was fine to not fear their every motion, but it would not be the case in any other household.

Wei Wuxian barely registered that Lan Xichen was saying something and then his master turned around and walked away. Wei Wuxian was now standing in front of his room with only Lan Wangji by his side. It was slowly coming to him, everything was.

It was only now that he started trembling all over, his stirred-up emotions taking the best of him. He was still in shock it seemed since he could still not move even though he wanted to. There was no more reason for him to stay in the middle of the hallway and stare into distance. He was becoming a hindrance to Lan Wangji.

He was trying his best to snap out of this, to let go of what had just happened and to cover up his vulnerable heart. He knew he needed to start acting normally. He could not worry his master anymore. But he just could not. It was as if his mind had shut down and did not want to obey him anymore no matter how much he wanted it to go back to its previous functions. He needed to stop thinking about Lan Xichen's words and actions and behave normally again!

It took an eternity for him to even register that Lan Wangji was still standing by his side and talking now. He had no idea if he had missed any of his master's words but at least his ears were working again.

"Wei Ying, come rest."

It worked like magic. Wei Wuxian's body finally decided to obey him and his mind calmed down immediately. He did not know why that was, going from being completely shocked to relaxed and ready to listen to Lan Wangji's every word. But it was for the best, at least his master would not be worried. Wei Wuxian willed his body to enter the room ahead of Lan Wangji.