Won't you believe me? (Servant no more - book 2)

Chapter 103

Lan Qiren's bad mood and headache from this morning only intensified when Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji finally arrived to the dining room. His sense of guilt immediately spiked to unknown hights as soon as he saw the expressions on both boys' faces. It seemed like nothing had changed from the day before.

Wei Wuxian was perhaps even tenser than ever, all hunched into himself and trembling upon stepping a foot in the room. His head was lowered and his hands were clutching at the fabric of a pristine white robe he was wearing. At least this made Lan Qiren's worries go down a tiny bit, he had been quite uncomfortable watching Wei Wuxian in his worn-out black robes. This looked neater and also probably better for the boy, he knew that these clothes were of a good quality, warm and easy on the skin. He was not sure he could have said the same about Wei Wuxian's old garments.

Good, he thought to himself, at least something had changed if Lan Wangji or possibly Lan Xichen had managed to have the boy wear new robes. Nevertheless, the problem stayed, Wei Wuxian still looked spooked out and scared of everything around him.

Although he came to the table immediately and did not move to join the servants waiting around the walls, Lan Qiren was not reassured. They had told the boy that he was not to be a servant in the Cloud Recesses Manor, but it seemed their words had fallen on deaf ears. He could not stop himself from frowning slightly. He wanted Wei Wuxian to stop acting this deferentially now that he knew he was doing it because of a terrible conditioning and not to spite him.

And then, it almost made him snap at him to stand straight when Wei Wuxian bowed deep first to him and then to Jiang Yanli. Lan Qiren had until now forgotten that she was also sitting at the table, his head had been way too full of thoughts about her brother and his own guilt. He should have been a better host and started a conversation instead of letting the maiden of the Lotus Pier Manor sit with him in silence, forgotten. Well, he was already messing things up this morning, was he not?

He started questioning himself if it was a good idea to call Wei Wuxian out for a conversation today at all. Perhaps he should still give him some more time to accustom himself to everything? Maybe he was rushing things just because he wanted to apologize and selfishly ease up his own guilty conscience, maybe he was not thinking about Wei Wuxian's recovery at all. He could not really tell and it was making him strangely nervous. He was wondering what he should do now.

The apology he wanted to present to the other should have been an offer of peace between them, an invitation to start their relationship anew. And also a way to further reassure the boy that Lan Qiren had now changed his impression of him and would not be unreasonable with him anymore. However, he could not help himself but to think that perhaps it was really more for himself than for the boy. Should he actually draw back and leave everything to Lan Wangji and Jiang Yanli? The last thing he wanted was to hinder Wei Wuxian's recovery with his careless and clumsy approach.

They ate in silence. That would be nothing unusual, after all, there was a rule about not speaking while having a meal. However, the silence today felt different than any other day. It was heavier and tenser than ever and Lan Qiren had no idea what he could do to change it into something lighter and easier to bear. Perhaps for the first time in his life, or at least for the first time since he could remember anyway, he wanted to break the rules intentionally and bring some pointless chatter to their meal time.

In reality, he did no such thing of course. That would be foolish and undignified of him. What would become of the Cloud Recesses Manor if it would be him who would start breaking the rules set by ancient generations of the Lan family ancestors? He kept his mouth closed and only pondered about everything internally.

As he was slowly eating his breakfast – definitely at a slower pace than normally, only too conscious of the memory of him depriving Wei Wuxian of a dinner on their first day because he had been eating slowly and with great hesitation – he watched the boy in question attentively. He was a little reassured when he saw that despite his visible hesitation and small, careful bites, Wei Wuxian was in fact eating just fine. What a relief, it would simply not do if he would not get himself a good breakfast.

Even when Lan Qiren tried to drag the meal to be longer so all the others would have plenty of time to eat to their heart's content, the breakfast still ended way too soon for his ease. He needed more time; he has still not decided whether he should call Wei Wuxian to his study now or delay giving his apology for a little longer. He could not even start guessing what the boy's reaction could be and it terrified him.

For all he had already lived through, he felt himself losing courage. And there was a very persistent thought in the very back of his mind: if he did not talk to Wei Wuxian now, perhaps he would never find a good time. He was worried that he would always find himself some excuse just to avoid the painful conversation ahead.

But that would not be fair. Wei Wuxian needed him to change and to help in his recovery. Lan Qiren could not just stay a coward and clear the field as soon as there was something a little unpleasant ahead. Sure, he was not used to admitting his mistakes, but he needed to learn for both his and the boy's sakes.

That was why, in the end, he decided to gather his courage and not prolong this agony anymore: "Wei Wuxian, please come with me to my office."

As soon as the words left his lips, he immediately regretted it. They were way too stern and sounded like an order. At least judging by Wei Wuxian's reaction. Lan Qiren realized he had been nervous and rushed too much. He should have calmed himself down some more before speaking, now look at what he had caused!

Wei Wuxian flinched and hunched into himself even more than before. He looked very pitiful now and it was all because Lan Qiren had let himself be reigned by his emotions. Despicable! He was the adult here; he should be the one to keep his cool in all situations. He should definitely not be so unstable as to snap at Wei Wuxian like this just because he himself was feeling stressed and guilty. He would have to do better in the future. Now, however, what should he do to remedy his mistake?