The love letter and the suicide note

Epilogue

7 MONTHS LATER

"Are you okay to go by yourself?" Carly asked as she parked her car.

"Yes." Astra nodded her head and gave her friend a smile.

"Okay, if you need anything, I'm going to be right here." Carly squeezed Astra's arm tightly.

"I'll be right back." Astra stepped out of the car and walked down the cemetery until she got to the tombstone she came for.

She put the bouquet of flowers down before she knelt down to it. She ran her hand along the stone, smiling as she read the name.

Orson Hart.

"Hi my Bear Cub." Astra whispered. "I know I haven't visited you, and I know you've probably been wondering when I would. I needed time."

She pulled out a letter from her pocket.

She turned to look behind her. Carly was still in her car with the windows down, and when she looked at her, she gave her a nod of encouragement.

Astra turned back to his tombstone and nodded her head, opening the folded letter.

She started reading.

"My adorable Bear Cub, you know how hard it is for me to talk, so I wrote you this letter to read to you." Astra read the letter slowly. "It's been 7 months. 7 months since I lost you. I won't lie, it's been hard. It's been really really hard without you here with me."

"I'm getting better though. I'm slowly getting better. I've started going back to college, and I've already made a lot of good friends there. Carly has been with me every step of the way, and she never leaves my side. College is good. I'm passing all my classes."

"I always imagine what it would be like if you were in college with me. What would we be doing? Would we be those kids who get into mischief just for fun? Because I can see it, I can see us having fun and getting into mischief. I can see us starting a food fight or something messy like we always seemed to do. We'd probably get into a lot of trouble, but we'd just laugh about it. Would we be together? Officially dating? I like to think we would've been. I like to think we would be official, don't you? Can't you see it? I can."

"Oh yeah, I got my job again. I've been working again for a few months now. It feels good finally being able to earn money again, and help Carly pay rent. Carly has always been sweet, and she always tells me that I don't need to help her pay rent for our house, but I want to. Even though she's sweet, she's still crazy. She still kills people in the shower."

Astra laughed a little as she remembered that phone call she had with him. Of course she remembered it. That was the first time she heard his beautiful and contagious laugh. That was the first time she knew, she just knew, he'd become very important to her.

And he did.

"Arlo and Margo earned the award for best bakery of the year. I finally gave them my strawberry shortcake cookie recipe. Everybody loves them, it's their most famous recipe now. They miss you. We still talk about the day we had in the bakery, the day we trashed it. We get the award for biggest mess ever made in a bakery. That was the first day we had fun together, and in all honestly, it was probably one of my favorites. All of the moments I spent with you were my favorites, I can't even pick a favorite moment. But I got to truly know you that first day. That was the first day you didn't hide behind smiles. You didn't put on an act. You were genuinely having a good time. Your smiles and laughs were genuine, and that was the very first day I got to see it."

Astra smiled as she continued reading the letter.

"My Bear Cub, I don't know if you can hear any of this. I hope you can, I hope you can hear every word that I'm saying, because these are the words I never got to say to you. I wish I had time to say these in person, but I was too late. I love you. I miss you more than anything. I hope you're doing okay wherever you are, and I hope you're happy."

"I hope you're with your parents now. I'm sure when they saw you they wrapped you in their arms and hugged you so tight you couldn't breathe. They're probably so proud of you for making it 3 years without them, even though you were hurting every single second of every single day for 1,095 days. You made it 3 years. I know you tried to make it longer, but it was too hard, and I understand that. I understand now."

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I failed. I feel so much guilt every single day I'm alive without you here. But I'm okay. I'm getting better. It's not easy, and some days I catch myself thinking that maybe I should leave like you did. Leave this place and join you and Harley wherever you are."

"I hope you finally met my Harley. I hope you guys are best friends, and you talk about me a lot. I hope you tell each other your favorite stories and memories you've had with me. I talk about my favorite stories and memories with you guys. My friends are probably annoyed with how much I talk about you and Harley."

"But I don't care. I can talk about you how much I want and nobody can stop me. That's what memories are for, to keep and remember the good moments forever. To share them with those you love, sharing the happiness and love and good memories. To share the smiles and laughs."

"It's so different without you here. Nobody can make me laugh and smile like you can. Nobody can make me as happy as I was with you. Believe me, they've all tried. They'll never beat you. You'll always be #1."

"I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss all of you, but I know one day I'll see you again. I can't wait for the day where you can wrap me in your arms again and hug me close. I can't wait to finally see you again, and touch you again. I can't wait for the day to come when I can finally hear your voice again. Your voice was always my favorite sound, it still is. I loved hearing you talk about things you love. I especially loved hearing you tease me all the time, and even though I got offended pretty easily, it never truly did bother me. I loved it. I loved your teasing."

"You're the only one who can say my name and make me weak in the knees. Nobody else can say my name as amazing as you can. I loved it whenever you said my name. I miss you. I'm waiting for the day to come when you can finally say my name again, say it in that soft and hot voice of yours. Yes, your voice is hot. If you disagree, whenever I see you again, the first thing I'll do is slap that gorgeous face of yours. I could've fallen asleep to your voice, that's how calming and soft... and hot it was."

"I hope you're finally happy my Bear Cub, you deserve it. You deserve it more than anyone else I know. I love you. Always and forever. I'll see you again soon."

"With all my heart (and you have every piece of it, my heart will forever be yours,)
Star."

Astra closed the letter and put her hand on the tombstone as tears filled her eyes, but she smiled through them.

"Goodbye my Bear Cub, I'll come back to you soon."