What You Caused

52.

A/n (extra) TW for this chapter <3

Chapter 52 | A bad place

Isabella:

Sometime next week it would have been exactly 9 months free of restricting.

Key word: it would have.

Since that day at Lucas' house I had spiralled back down a dark path. I'm not entirely sure what the reason was for my relapse because it was something other than my typical triggers. This time it had nothing to do with my appearance or my weight.

I think it was the uncertainty of the entire situation. Just thinking about how much I had suffered just because I had assumed something that turned out to be incorrect.

I was mad at myself for making those assumptions but I was also mad at Lucas for leading me to have those assumptions.

I had no idea if he was telling the truth about how he had liked me when we were children because all those remarks he had made proved other wise and at the end of the day it didn't even matter if he liked me or not - the things he said hurt me just as bad regardless.

Lucas was right on one thing however, being outside in the freezing temperatures had caused me to catch a cold.

But this just made it easier for me to restrict. I just blamed my sickness for my lack of appetite. I had the chance to fall asleep before dinner to escape eating and wake up late to avoid eating breakfast too.

I had no idea how many days had passed since that day. It could have been a week or two or even just mere days. Everyday just blurred together. All that was on my mind was not eating.

Mia and Grace came to visit everyday and Aidan and Dylan had even turned up one time to drop of soup and hot cocoa.

No one had mentioned Lucas or his whereabouts and I hadn't seen him since. One afternoon however, I had woken up from a nap to find Mr Bellucas on the floor by my mirror. He had chucked it from his window into mine and since then I had kept my curtains and windows permanently shut.

Mia and Grace had instantly realised that appetite wasn't gone because of my cold, I couldn't fool them, and they constantly urged and encouraged me to eat. Sometimes I gave in to their glum faces and persistence and pity. But the moment they were gone, I would purge again and again. Again, I could just blame it on the cold; I just had a 'stomach bug'.

I kept on lying to my mom and grandmother although they weren't really much around to notice. Mom was busy with work, it had been hectic since Christmas was nearing and abuela had been busy visiting her friend who had taken a nasty fall a few days ago, so they were both preoccupied to actually realise what was going on.

All the soup abuela made to help me recover got thrown down the sink in the bathroom. The only thing I was intaking was coffee: black with no milk or creamer to give me some sort of energy to function and paracetamol to help get rid of my temperature but having medicine on an empty stomach was not a good idea - my stomach had been cramping like crazy.

My father was due to arrive soon for Christmas. I'm not sure how I would hide it from him. He would have nothing to do all day and I don't know how I would manage to hide not eating from him.

For once I was hoping his workaholic urges would take over so that he would just be working on his laptop the whole time he was here and not pay attention to me at all. But that was kind of selfish seeing as if that did happen, then Sofia wouldn't be getting any attention either.