Dim.

22. Peter Pan's Shadow.

    Nothing makes sense. When you come around. You turn me from the truth. From being biased. You turn me away from my security. And I don't like it. You take control. Like a switch. And I can't even explain it. All of a sudden, I'm just down all the time. Can't sleep for shit. Can't eat. And I know that's you not me. I wish I never got diagnosed. Cause now you have a name. BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. You have many names. Too many to pick from, Panic Disorder and Anxiety. You intensify all my fears. You kill me slowly from the inside out. You turn me against those closest to me. You want me to fail, it's like you feed off it. Like it's your only purpose. I'm trying to make things make sense. And they just aren't anymore because you took control.

    And I hate myself for not being stronger than this. For panicking. For not being able to breathe. I hate myself. For pushing people away. For making dumb decisions. For trying to be perfect and failing. It isn't fair. That you can take over every aspect of me. I'm tired of it. Physically and mentally. It's just too much. You are too much. But you are me, so I hate this more because I'm failing myself terribly.

    For once I finally see it the way everyone else has said it. As something so negative and ugly. Something that is traumatizing and toxic. I was the reason I was so alone. Now it's like all my insecurities are the only thing I can focus on. This isn't living. This isn't surviving. It's dying. Slowly. With no way to explain the pain you feel. And why you feel it. I just hate you. So much for doing this to me. I don't even know who I am anymore without you. Because you have been the one consistent feeling I could always rely on. You never left. Even though you were crowding me with all your emotions and your judgement. You always stayed. Not like everyone else I push away. Not like every relationship I ruined too soon because you showed up out of the blue. Not like having people walk on eggshells around me whenever I'm silent, like they thought I'd explode.

    Bi-Polar thoughts that I can't control. I relied on you because you were the one thing that never changed up on me. And I hate you for making me feel so secure and comfortable in my fear. Like fear was the only thing I could rely on. Uncertainties were always better than the good in me. Nothing makes sense except you. And it hurts knowing you like the back of my hand. And if you left, I'd be alone with nobody. With no comfort, I'd be alone even though with you I'm still lonely. I hated you so much for every pain you've caused me. But you're my shadow, completely attached to me. And I wasn't Peter Pan who could lose my shadow when I please, I couldn't shed your shadow from me and stitch it back up when you finally realize you can't be a Lost Boy in Never Land fucking up everything with no accountability.