Dim.

14. Fake Energy.

Why am I lying to myself? I have nothing under control. My life is not going the way I need it to and I can't hold onto anything real. Being so impulsive really kills a lot of things for me. I'm disassociating. I'm letting it take control. I let it take control because I know it's the only feeling I can rely on. And I feel stupid for even thinking I could handle all the things around me. I feel stupid for opening up and trying to let someone in like they would be able to handle anything I have going on.

Why am I so trusting? So naïve? So gullible and vulnerable? Why would someone use me like this? So quick to trust others when there's no reason to trust. You were a nobody to me... I mean in the past you were someone. A friend. But years had past and I still trusted you. I disregarded my gut feeling. I put my intuition to the side as I climbed into his ride... I wish I never needed a high that night.

"A friend would never hurt me. He watched me grow every summer, he watched me like a brother."

Why was I so naïve thinking people were just as pure as me? That evil didn't exist in my backyard. He reminded me how innocent I was way back then.. back when I was 10... and I thought that was weird. Why mention you watching me grow for three summers in a row? Why mention the puberty change? Why mention my growth?

"Damn you look way better than way back before. Still the same girl I liked to watch go."

I kept thinking, "Why did it matter? You were the big brother figure, and at the time I was 10, 11, 12, 13 years young. Why'd you think I looked good when you knew I was definitely young.

Red flag after red flag, I got chills when he closed the gap between us. The proximity brought me fear, that was the only red flag that had me terrified. Fight or flight didn't quite react. I knew I fought back. Til' I was on my back, eyes staring back at his filled with rage. Forced down with no escape from his weight. He held my hands flat. I tried to go and flee anywhere else, anywhere else but here, anywhere else but this moment now. I tried to fight but no where near enough because then he began to touch.. The rest I won't discuss.

Even when he'd took my light for his warmth. He dropped me off and forced kissed me hastily. Told me, "This was fun, should've told me you had Birth Control, I would've done you like a whore. I would've done way more. Could I pick you up tomorrow? I love your company hun." Then he left me in a rush with a smile on his face, like he'd had a good time. He drove away and took my spirit with him.. and left me with nothing of my own. He used me like a toy and tossed me into the world making me disposable.

After all of this.. all I want to do right now is fall into a routine where I'm the only thing that's missing. Where I no longer exist. I don't want to be anything anymore. I want to give up. I want to swallow a hundred pills and wait til' my body gives up. I want to cry an endless river and drown myself in my despair. Let out a silent scream underwater and feel my airways fill with water. Fill me up so much that my lungs begin to swallow. I want to drown. I no longer want to swim.

I wish that I could give up. This life is too much to deal. Why'd he have to take away every thing that made me real?

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673