Dim.

60. Fake Energy: PART TWO.

Except I know that's fake energy. That my life has so much meaning past what I see and what has happened to me. Past the tragedies and trauma I've endured. That I'm beating myself up til' I'm black and blue reading into thing's. That I'm allowing myself to hurt because I'm comfortable. Too comfortable in my mental impairment that I think that's all I am. I let him take from me even when it was done. He took my pride, my light, my soul, my spirit, my love, my judgement, he took my ability to trust. He almost took my ability to love.

I don't want that for me. I want so much more for me. I want to learn how to exist, how to co-exist with everyone around me without burdening, without holding them against their will. I want to quit the pills for life, I want to cry happy tears. I want to love this body that I'm in. I want to find my own light and fill my spirit with happiness. I want to let out an excited scream and learn to swim in rivers and oceans. I want to forget about him. I want to learn to trust again. I want to learn how to be vulnerable again without feeling weak minded. Without feeling like my feelings and emotions are invalid. I want to feel comfortable in my skin again. I want to attach my soul to the back of my body like Peter Pan.

I want to fly to Never Land, I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to be someone who can hold up themselves on there own. I longer want to be a burden. I no longer want to hold this. This trauma is a burden, too heavy for me to hold. Better to let it go.

This is my reality, my real energy. Just clouded by my strange judgement and bias against myself. That's temporary feelings that I think will last. That's trauma in the past I've let haunt me but here at last finally, it took months to realize that that's just fake energy that I am no longer reciprocating. Fake energy that'll just have to be passed.

- Written on 01/01/2021.