Dim.

20. Manic Ways.

My being is toxic.

It's to the point that I'll choke you.

With my words,

With the way that I speak.

My actions,

That I have no control of,

Some time's.

My unconscious is my own undoing.

My BPD pushes everyone away.

Someone else pushes through,

When I decide to stand down.

When the trauma becomes too much,

For my fragile mind to handle.

See I been panicking.

To the point where I see a future,

That I am not in.

Not the sane me at least.

My manic ways,

Have convinced me,

I'm the worst person you could find.

My body isn't mine anymore.

Not even my mind.

I see him everyday...

He takes away all the thing's,

That made me great.

Like my smile,

My laugh,

My gentle touch,

And left me broken past fixed.

I want to protect you.

Protect you from this new me,

This new me that is vulnerable,

This new me that is damaged,

And toxic to the taste.

This new me that'll drag you,

Down to my level,

To the ground,

Where there's nothing but dirt and distaste.

I want to keep you pure,

Positive and naïve to the world that is me.

So, I push you away,

Even though you're the one thing,

That could cure me.

It isn't right the way I need you.

But I've been scared for too long.

Too scared to do right.

Too scared to let you go knowing,

I'll be manic,

And gone again.

I fall into bad behaviors,

Like my second skin,

I'll never be right.

I'm so quick to be triggered.

Triggered to this place

That brings out the worst in me.

This place that isn't me.

This place I've tried to erase for years,

But it seems this pain is chasing me.

And chasing you away.

- Written on 07/24/2020.