beetle | unedited ✔️

twenty

Parker Elise Leon

Not showing up to school would be like telling everyone they won, and it's not like me to give up on anything. I was sick of Gabe not returning my calls or texts. Everyday in school I would try to talk to him but he would shut me out and walk in the other direction. People stared at me like I was crazy and dressed in a garbage bag full of poop. I felt violated and hurt and overall I was a mess.

I haven't been sleeping, considering everything. My eye bags were as big as the Chanel duffle bags my mom bought a while ago. My parents have no clue about what's going on with me, and they couldn't even care less.

I walked into school, it's now Friday and I felt exhausted from trying so hard to get Gabe to listen to me. I know what I said was bad and wrong, but I didn't mean it. He wouldn't listen to me; in fact, nobody would listen to me. I was basically alone. Shut up, you're so pathetic.

I'm deciding on going to find Gabe during lunch, since he's usually walking around during that time. Just like him and I would walk around together sometimes. I hate how stupid I am for opening my mouth like that in class on Monday. He even made Mr. Fib switch his seat with an empty desk on the other side of the classroom. I understood what kind of pain I caused him that day, but he caused me even more.

Lunch rolled around slowly. I didn't eat today because my appetite was non-existent. I immediately found my boy, can I even call him that when he wasn't even mine before, leaning against a locker. He heard me coming, and looked up at me from his phone. His face grew cold again and he started walking down the hallway.

"Gabe, wait! Please just listen to me." I ran up to him and stopped him. "I don't need to listen to you." He side stepped me and continued walking. "Seriously? You can't even listen for a minute?" He didn't even reply; he didn't have to for me to know he's done with me. He knows everything about me, from good to bad, so he could do or say anything to demolish my whole existence. If he did I wouldn't blame him. I really hurt him, and with only a few words.

Last class went by quickly because I basically just read the whole time. People stopped talking about me and found other things to worry about, but I wished Gabe still sat next to me.

I cried on my way home for the millionth time this week and just let it all out. No matter how much I hate crying, I still had so many tears falling from my stupid eyeballs. Curse being born in July. My nature was basically crying, and I hated it. I hated feeling weak, but every bone in my body was telling me that I needed to just cry it out. Even when I didn't want to, I cried.

So, here I sit holed up in my room with a blanket around myself. My laptop was in front of me as I listened to my depression playlist to just kickstart things. I finished my homework a while ago, when I got home, because I knew I wouldn't do it over the weekend. I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, not wanting to make anything major and honestly not having the appetite to eat anything major.

I should shower. Maybe a shower will make me feel a little better. It probably won't. I'll probably be crying in there too, I just won't notice my tears because the shower water will be blending in with them. I stripped my clothes off of my body after feeling the hot temperature of the water. I spent almost an hour just sitting under the scorching water. Sure, it was burning my skin, but it was a distraction. It distracted me from the fact everyone hates me and I have no friends. It distracted me from the fact that my almost-boyfriend slash first love left me because I said something stupid and out of line. It distracted me from the fact that everything and everyone in my life has left. Maybe I should leave.

No, that would be giving up and I do not give up. Especially not on life after some stupid high school anxiety week. That's too big of a step for me to take, it would be too big of a mistake.

My cries were quieted to a few tears here and there as I dressed myself in sweatpants and one of my sweatshirts. I buried Gabe's sweatshirt into the back of my closet because I couldn't bare to see it. Whenever I even glanced at it I would burst into tears for hours on end. I was absolutely miserable, and it hasn't even been a week since everything blew up in my face. Most of me thought it was my fault. It was my fault that I continued to talk to Gabe. It was my fault that Mari stopped talking to me because I wasn't a good enough friend to her. It was my fault that Gabe is avoiding and ignoring me because I was stupid enough to blame him for my problems.

I blamed him when none of what happened had to do with him. It was my fault that Chloe had began to physically torture me because I brought Gabe into my mess of a life. Everything was my fault.

I sat down on my bed and wrapped my blanket back around me and pressed play on my music. I wasn't sobbing anymore, but the tears were still freely letting themselves go. Should I really be listening to this music when I'm already sad enough? Probably not, but who even cares at this point?