Klaine Oneshots

Type

She was Queen Bitch of McKinley High for a reason.

That reason currently had Kurt Hummel trapped at a table at the Lima Bean with her, the boy trying not to look afraid and so clearly failing. "Relax, Hummel, I'm not going to rape you. You're not my type."

"And you're not mine," he snarked back. "What's this about, Santana?"

"You need to get some."

Kurt looked like he was going to choke on nothing. "Excuse me?" he finally got out, and Santana patiently repeated herself. "No, I heard you the first time. Wish I hadn't though," he added in an undertone. "Santana, there are so many things wrong with that, I can't - okay. First, why is it any of your business?"

Santana rolled her eyes. "Please. When is it not my business what sexual antics people are getting up to at this school?"

"I don't go to this school."

"You're still one of us, Hummel." She noticed Kurt's expression soften a little at that and hurried on, not wanting him to get all mushy on her. "Plus, I'm sure there's meant to be some wanky prep on prep action going on over at that school of yours and you're the only person I can ask who'll actually tell me."

"Who said I'd tell you if I was?"

She laughed. "Seriously? You're such a prude that if you actually were you'd go bright red the second I asked. And I'm perfectly happy with hearing about what the other boys are up to but I'm more curious about why you aren't."

Kurt sighed. "I don't have a boyfriend."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"I don't do one night stands or hookups, Santana. I don't think any of the gay guys at Dalton do - or any of the guys full stop. At least none of the Warblers ever have."

"Bor-ing!" Santana took a sip of her coffee, tapping perfectly manicured nails against the rim. "Fine. Get a boyfriend."

Something akin to hurt flashed in his eyes but it was gone before she could ask, if she had even bothered to do so. "It's not that easy," he explained. "Contrary to your belief, there's only a few guys who are gay or at least out. Two of them are dating each other -"

"Wanky! Why didn't I hear of this earlier?"

Another sigh and now Kurt seriously looked like he wanted to throw something at her. "Because I don't ask for the intimate details of Nick and Jeff's love life and they are respectful enough not to shout it out over the choir room. I know it's not a concept you're used to but we're not all completely open about our personal lives. And even if I did know anything, I wouldn't tell you because that's not fair -"

"Yeah, you've made your point," Santana cut him off, bored. "You haven't got any details. Got it. What about the rest of the homos?" Kurt slowly raised his eyes, glaring daggers, and she raised a hand. "Fine, gays?"

"I suppose that's better than -" Kurt shook his head. "There's only three others. One's in a long distance relationship, one's just come out of a bad relationship and isn't looking to date and the third is Blaine."

"What about him?"

"What about him?" Kurt shot straight back, crossing his arms. "I don't have to fall in love with my best friend, you know? In fact, I don't have to fall in love with anybody, I'm only seventeen. Why are you pushing me to date when all of the relationships I've ever seen just fall apart?"

Santana winced, realizing he was right. "Because sometimes they don't," she said simply. "Look at Tina and Mike, they're like never going to break up."