Spider-Son & Iron Dad two shots

A Very Merry Un-Birthday

a/n: hello i am sick please enjoy this absolute fever dream of crack writing that i used to distract myself

Peter may be sweating more than he's ever sweated before. Forget the pacer in middle school gym class. This was the most stressful situation in his life.

"Oh shit," Peter gasped. "Oh, this is not good. This is—This is very shitty, actually."

"Not sure I'm liking the language coming out of your mouth right now," Tony said over comms. "What's going on, kid?"

"Oh, no no no," Peter almost had to laugh from the insanity of it all. He couldn't though, he had the fear of God running through his veins now. "Mr. Stark, you gotta get everyone out of the building."

"Pete. Tell me what's going on," Tony said again, his voice firmer now. "Don't keep me in the dark."

Peter inhaled shortly. "Have you ever played 'Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes'?"

A deep suffering sigh answered on the other side. Then a long stream of curses.

"Karen, uh," Peter breathed heavily. He leaned over the small mechanical box, the timer on it ticking loudly. Four minutes. Three minutes, fifty-nine seconds. Three minutes, fifty-eight seconds. "Oh god. This is like— This is like that M&M commercial. The one that they play at the movies."

"Peter, it is crucial for the next three minutes that you listen to my exact instructions," Karen spoke clearly. "Please carefully inspect the device and see if it's connected to an external system."

Peter's heart pounded out of his chest, looking around the bomb, yeah, the bomb, because apparently Spider-Man is an honorary member of the NYPD Bomb Squad. His eyes widened as it scanned around the impending boom-box.

"It's not," Peter said quickly. "It's not connected to anything."

"FRIDAY, please pull up Peter's location," Tony fired off in his ear. "I'm not returning him to May in various meaty charred bits."

"Gross." Peter gulped. "Okay, Karen, what do I do now?"

"Pick the device up—"

"DO NOT," Tony interrupted, "PICK THE BOMB UP."

Peter thought about it. He blinked. "Karen told me to do it, and technically, you made Karen, so you told me to do it too, technically."

"Peter I-forgot-your-middle-name Parker—"

"Benjamin," Peter filed in. He took a breath and nodded with finality. "I'm picking the bomb up."

More disgruntled cursing. Peter could hear the Iron Man repulsors further accelerate in the background.

Peter picked the device up and turned it over carefully in his hands, as if the thing might explo— ok, maybe that metaphor was a little too close to home. "Okay. Okay, what do I do now?"

"Pulling up blueprints for explosive devices matching this plate," Karen said carefully. On his HUD, several different documents were pulled up, and then subsequently disappeared. Peter's vision went dizzy.

Karen hesitated. "No device found."

"What?" Peter rattled off. "What do you mean? Like, there's nothing? This thing is gonna explode no matter what?"

"Pete, get out of there," Tony said, all lightheartedness having left with a deeply rooted fear. "I'm not messing around with you. Get out of the basement."

"What'll happen if I web it?" Peter asked. He turned the bomb over and looked at the timer. One minute, forty-six seconds. Oh god. "What if I web it and throw it in the air?"

"Kid–"

"It will take an estimated amount of one minute, twenty-four seconds while taking the fastest route out of the building from your level," Karen explained. "An extra thirty four seconds to get to a distance high enough up for the explosion not to reach neighbouring buildings, excluding the varying calculations of destruction caused by fallout and debri."

Peter hesitated.

"That means no," Tony cut in quickly. "Don't you even. You're already so grounded, kid, I swear. Get out of there right now."

One minute, thirty-one seconds. Peter looked back at the basement door. He jumped side-to-side on his feet. "Is everyone out of the building? Everyone else?"

"I'm about to burst through the damn cement walls and pull you out of there by the scruff like the feral cat you're acting like," Tony ordered. "Get out of the basement, Spider-Man."

Peter tapped his foot quickly. "You didn't answer the question. Karen, run a heat signature scan on the building—"

"Emergency protocols engaged," Karen responded with urgency. Instead of a scan, the HUD blinked red and only showed a glowing blue point where the closest exit was. "My number one priority is your safety, Peter. I highly recommend exiting the building now."

Peter grit his teeth and finally ran towards the door, following the map. Out the basement door. Into the vents. Up, left, down, left, almost to the outside—

"I'm about to pass you, kid. I'm right outside the exit."

Four seconds, three seconds, two seconds, one second—

Peter lunged himself out of the vents and threw a web at Tony as he flew by. He winced expectantly, waiting for the building to go kablooey.

It simply... didn't.

"What the hell?" Peter breathed, looking back at the building as he aimlessly was carried through the air. "Did it explode?"

"FRIDAY," Tony said. "Run analysis. Pull up the live footage."

"Karen, can I have the live footage too?" Peter asked politely.

The security camera showed up, undamaged, on Peter's heads-up display. Karen's reply was sweet. "Yes, Peter."

The basement was full, FULL, of confetti. Wall-to-wall. Floor-to-ceiling. Not one ounce of surface area left uncovered. It was like the world's most dangerous and sticky birthday party.

"Why," Tony said plainly.

"It was a confetti bomb," Peter said, amusement bleeding into his stressed voice. He let out a relieved laugh, feeling hysterical. "Oh, I thought I was gonna die. It was just confetti."

Tony exhaled stiffly. "FRI, tell Fury his little mission was a false alarm and that I'll get his ass for wasting my time. Me and Junior Avenger are headed back to the Compound."

"Mr. Stark?" Peter asked, looking up at the Iron Man suit as it flew over Manhattan buildings, heading back upstate.

Tony's voice was dry and tired. "Yeah, kid?"

"Why don't we find out how to make one of those ourselves?"

"Absolutely not. No," Tony said quickly. "You're not getting into any more trouble today."

"I was just thinking it would be a good way to get back at Fury. It'll be hard to like... get confetti out of his paperwork," Peter said innocently.

Tony was quiet for a long moment. Then:

"FRIDAY, I need you to order three tons of confetti."