Umbutho

Six

Love, does it exist? Is it even for the likes of me? Wehhh uBaba uzongi bulala bo!!! (My father is going to murderate me)

Philasande Mabaso. Hmm I am amazed, I am in awe at such a man and the past few days have been a bliss. He has been an understanding and peaceful man and without a doubt husband material. He is your typical Zulu man but with style instead of those shoes that they wear. Well in other news my father and brother have been acting weird like very weird. They're having private conversation and I'm always expected to leave the room with Nkanyiso before they start their whispers.

I've last seen my brother three weeks ago. Mind you the dude has a child and yet this child naye doesn't even ask about his father. When I asked my  father he basically told me to buzz off. Why am i even considering dating a Zulu man vele? I think those white vanilla men are an option manje. My father is ratchet guys, is that even something you say about a man never mind your own father?

I recieve a call from my potential Zulu man and yes we now speak via phonecalls and WhatsApp. It's hilarious because this man can write a whole paragraph in Zulu and act like nothing ever happened. "Phila" I answer the call causing him to heave a huge sigh. He said he's been working since yesterday so I'm guessing that's why he sounds so tired. "Uzongibiza nini nge zithakazelo zakwa Mabaso? (When are you going to call me using my clan name?)" He asks as soon as i answer, you see why I want to date a white dude?

"Hayiibo ngiyak bingelela phela wehh Bhuti (I am greeting you here)" I say in joking manner. He wants me to refer to him by his clan name so much it's almost funny. "Ngiyaxolisa MaKhumalo kodwa nawe uyangi hurder phela (I'm sorry but you're also hurding me)" did he just? Here I am laughing my lungs out while Nkanyiso watches me like I need to be send to a mental institution. This Zulu man didn't  just used slang in the same sentence as the Zulu he used. "Hayiibo Philasande bakhithi" I say as the after effect of laughing wash off.

"Yini(what) that's what these kids say nowadays nje" he says and why does he sound so serious after saying such a thing? We add ourselves where we're not needed mara yaz. "Unjani kodwa sphalaphala so muntu? (How are you though beautiful person?) He asks and I swear I can hear him smiling. I'm doing a whole lot of ubuthakathi these days with this man I swear. "Ngiyaphila wena unjani? (I'm good how are you?) I answer matching his cellphone smile. "I am well. I just wish I could see your beautiful light skinned face" he says right after. "Did you really have to add the fact that I'm light?" I ask. Did he though this is one thing that I despise about myself that's why I hate being called yellow bone because I'm not yellow I'm actually close to being white and speaking Afrikaans.

"Ngiyaxolisa MaKhumalo but that was meant to be a compliment not that I'm trying to make fun of you." He says calmly. I have never met such a calm individual before. I'm afraid of his actions when and if i make him angry. He is that kind of person that would literally kill me if I do something like that but hey we're not a couple so there's nothing to fear. "I'm sorry it's just that I hate how I look Phila and I don't like it when people... you know..." I say playing with my food already which Nkanyiso is just eating like this is his plate.

"You're beautiful Buhle regardless of your skin tone. You're a very beautiful woman have you looked into the mirror lately. Any man would be more than greatful to have you by their side. Always remember that ok? And if you dare think low of yourself ever again I am going to make you regret it ok?" Did he just threaten me? And I'm still on the phone? I've gone soft people I have gone soft. "Yeah now sleep before you faint of exhaustion" I reply after cursing myself for being so soft with this Zulu man when I know I would've blown a fuse had it been someone else.

"Ok goodnight muntu omuhle." I hear him yawn after he says this. "Its still afternoon for a goodnight Phila" I say just wishing we could talk longer but I know that it would be very selfish of me. "I know. I'll call you before you go to bed ok. I...take care of yourself Makhumalo" he says before I bid him farewell and he drops the call. I wish I could see him asleep. That's creepy I know but I just want to know whether he snores or not. Does he sleep with his mouth slightly ajar? Stop you pervet. Eish you don't understand.

I went downstairs with the determination of filling my empty stomach. I can eat mina vele. When I get to the kitchen I hear a few whispers from the living room so I follow them only finding the two mission impossible technicians. My father and brother are busy whispering like their planning to rob the president haa. I lean on the wall just trying to listen to what their saying when my face suddenly collides with the floor with the biggest bump in the history of bumps. The looks that I recieve guys! "Hlehle what are you doing?" My father asks and I must say, this man already looks angry so maybe I should just start the crocodile tears so that I can get away.

Here goes nothing. Lights Camera Action and the tears start rolling down my plump cheeks. I am sniffing and I can tell my brother is not buying my little stunt but I don't have a choice. "I...bengifuna amanzi (I just wanted a glass of water) when I saw a shadow lapha so I thought one of you was here but I... I tripped and fell baba and I think I just dislocated my knee" hayii guys i think i should be casted at The Wife as Qhawe's second wife since he's the only hot on of the brothers. I killed this role guys, acting is calling my name right next to my biochemistry degree. My father looks at me with pity as he helps me up while I pretend to be hurt when in actual fact my face feels like I was given a varaam klap by the God of lightning.

He sits me on the couch checking me for any  injuries. I know my father is not to be messed with but sometimes you need to do what you need to do. My brother is standing there with his arms crossed looking at me like I just burnt Zuma's mansion. That would be a good thing though right? His arms, why have my brothers arms gone from small and skinny to big and muscular? Haiibo. When did he even come back because he's been gone for a while? This is just insane mara it's fine. My father lays me on his chest as he rubs my back a little because these fake tears have turned into real once as the pain on my cheek keeps increasing.

My phone rings as I'm sitting next to my father and guess who's calling? A number saved as 'My Zulu Man' calls and my father being the loving and caring old man he is looks at it before giving me the look. I don't understand because he knows that I am dating akere he wanted to go all Jackie Chan on Sfiso when I slapped him? So now why is he giving me the look? I take the phone slowly as my beautiful dried up tears just remind me never to mess with mother nature. Now I need them and yet they are busy singing Khumbula'ekhaya with my mind. I swallow the last spit in my mouth before answering immideatly hearing his sweet beautiful voice that has turned into something that could possible send me to the bundu side of Kzn.

"Ngiyakthanda MaKhumalo wam I just wanted to tell you that" ncoo he decides to tell me this now? If I could act faint I could but eish even the acting skills have left me. I did say, my father is going to murderate me...