Umbutho

Twenty-two

Not edited...

Twenty-two

No Makoti abazenzi lezinto emzin... mina pho ngone bani? (Wives don't even do this in their in-laws home... )

The funeral preparations were happening and yet Phila has not uttered even a single word since he woke up. His eyes look empty I feel like he is even more cold then he was previously. His arms have been wrapped around my body the entire day if he's not doing that then he is telling me to leave him alone, that he needs space. I don't know what to even do anymore. I am trying my hardest to be here for him as much as possible. I go out of my way to make sure that his mother will have a true and honest farewell but sometimes it gets hard because Phila is just... sigh.

I've been travelling to and from school and I am hardly even home so I don't even know how my family is. Every time I leave it's another story to him that I am leaving him alone to grieve when I promised that I'll be there for him and honestly sometimes it just gets a little heavy on me. I'm trying my best but he just makes it as if I do nothing the entire time. Not to mention his family who are just so difficult at the moment. His step mother who is his father's wife hates me to the core and his other brothers God those ones don't even give me the time of day.

"MaKhumalo" I am always here to a point where some of my clothes have found a place in his closet. "Mhmm" I turn to him glaring at him as his heavy head lays on my thighs while his eyes stare deep into mine. "Ngicela ulale lana namhlanje? (Please sleep here today?)" This is about to be yet another fight. "I can't Phila." He raises his head from my thighs I guess it's already a fight. "So awufuni? (So no?)" I sigh honestly this is getting tiring. We are always on each others throats about why I can't stay here longer like he wants me to or why I can't sleep here. "I have school tomorrow futhi nje sengiyam delela uBaba manje Phila...(I'm already disrespecting my father.) I am always here sengze ngiyazenzela kwakhe. (I do as i please in his home now.)"

"Ngizoku hambisa eskolweni MaKhumalo. (I'll take you to school)" What I hate about this is that he cannot take no for an answer and that his voice always conceals his emotions so when he's angry I never know because his tone is just always calm. "Ngeke ngikhone Phila. I can't. I'll be here tomorrow first thing in the morning before I head to school and after that I'll come here again. Please understand." He turns to look at me for a second before averting his eyes away as if they were never on me to begin with. I don't know what he's thinking, I don't know how he feels. I'm at the edge of my seat just waiting for what he'll say or do.

"Uyangithanda Buhle? (Do you love me?)" That was unexpected. Why would that just pop up right now all of a sudden? Why would he even question my love for him? "Yebo ngiyakthanda Philasande kakhulu futhi. (I love you a lot.)" I don't even waste time saying this because it's true.

You know some girls get this weird thing happen to them where they feel like their entire life stops and everything around them whenever they are with the person they love. Some know that they are in love after all the gifts and the guy proving to them that he is worth their time. All Phila did was say 'sawubona' and I was already head over heels in love. All he did was look me in the eye and I knew what my heart was telling me.

What I am trying to say is that you may think you need reassurance and all the gifts and materialist things in the world to think that you are in love with someone but that's not always the case. You and your heart know when you fall in love and when that happens you can't stop it nor can you avoid the heat that comes with it. When you're in love you want nothing else but to be by your partner's side all day everyday. You just know. "Ngiyakdinga Buhle... (I need you) I'll...ngiyacela Standwasami. (Please my love.)" The vulnerability shows again. I am surprised that he even said that.

"Ok I'll call my mom." He nods before walking out of the room leaving me deep in thoughts. Why did I just do that? What will I even say to my mother and what happens when Bab'Khumalo comes here guns blazing and shoots Phila yet again this time seriously injuring him? Then what?

Phila's family is a very weird combination of just akward blending. Phila and three of his other brothers have different mother's but they all share the same father. Their father who is Bab'Mabaso has about 7 kids including Phila and Pefumla all of which are just different and rude in their own way. So four of them, Phila included have their own mother's meaning all four of them each have his own mother. Then the last three children have one mother who is Bab'Mabaso's current wife, Cruella much.

All seven of them are boys and they are all different in their own way but they definantly look alike because of how strong Bab'Mabaso's genes are. With that said all six of his brothers hate me, wait they despise me as well as Cruella the wife. I honestly don't care except when they try their level best to make my life a living hell which just infuriates me. I mean they are old enough to know the difference between good and bad. They should not be given behavioural classes on how to at least pretend.

"Ma uhm there is a project at school that I need to complete before tomorrow so I was wondering if it was ok if I sleep over at a friends house so that I can do that with the help of someone else?" All I can hear is her breathing over the phone before her voice speaks over. "I'm not stupid Buhle it's fine sleep over at that boys house. I'll speak to your father. Just don't get pregnant." Here I thought I was convincing. I guess not. "Thank you mama. I'll call you tomorrow." She hums before the line goes dead. At least that's over and done with. Now to go look for this man I call a boyfriend.

One thing no one ever tells us girls is that the possibility of being someone's wife without actually going through with the whole 'will you marry me' or 'I do's'l is very high. I mean here I am at Phila's homestead going around the entire place cooking and cleaning where there is a need for it. I am busy walking up and down in a dress with a doek on doing the Makoti duties. Duties that already have owners yet here I am. "Ngixhele la weh ntombi ka Phila. Uthi ubhekwe yini la? (Tell me here, what are you doing here?)" asks with much distaste in her tone.

"Ngilethwe uPhila Ma. (Phila brought me here Ma)" I'm not allowed to reply her in English. I tried and she basically told me to talk to someone else using the language but not her and thats me saying it in a nice manner, what she said was worse. This woman is hectic honestly. "Ngithi ufunani lana ntombi ka Phila? (I said what are you doing here)" I don't understand the question.

If she's asking what I'm doing here then I myself don't know what I'm doing here. I just woke up and Phila told me that we were going to his homestead and that was it. I have no idea why I am even here. So I can't answer her question. "Yazi umuhle futhi ubukeka ngathi uhlakaniphila futhi, kodwa la... la ufunani sisi? (You are beautiful and you also look like a smart young woman but i want to know whar you are doing here.)"

I bow my head down in an attempt to shy away from the question. "Ngicela ungavumi lento uPhila afuna ukukwenza yona. Ngicela uzame ukungamthandi sisi ngoba uzok mosha uPhila. Uzoklimaza uPhila sisi. Hamba kusane skhathi. Uyagula ekhanda uPhila... udinga usizo.(Please don't allow what Phila is trying to do to you.  Please try and unlove him because he is going to ruin you. He will hurt you. Leave while there's still time. He is mentally ill, he needs help.) "

Why does everyone want me to leave? Why do they think it's that easy to just leave. I can't stay a day without thinking about Phila. I can't even go on with my day without hearing his voice and his advances just make me melt. So how do I just let that go and forget about it?. I tried I really did but it didn t work. That's why I'm here. What now catches my attention is her last statement. What does she mean about his being mentally ill? Just as I am about to ask her though...

"MaKhumalo." Speak of the devil. I stare at him as his father's wife stands in front of me with daggers shooting at me. He walks closer and wraps his arm around my waist placing his cold lips on the side of my face. "MaMkhize, kwenzenjani? (Is there something wrong?)" She doesn't move her eyes from me. She just continues staring. "Lutho (no)" she turns around and leaves us. Leaves me thinking about how easy they think it is to leave him. Leaves me going over the possibility of him truely being mentally ill.

Now is it love or stupidity?

***this week has been giving... hayii nina I'm too young to be going through such. Hope you enjoy this chapter and apologies for the lateness.***