Umbutho

Twenty-seven

Twenty-seven

***NOT EDITED***

Uyageza lo. Ayikho nje indaba yakhe. (He is just fooling around.)

Fear. This is one of the many things I've been living through these past few days. I've been so fearful of so many things that I have not even given myself time to just rethink. This man is nothing to me yet I fear him. I fear him mainly because of what he said to me so shamelessly and unaffected by his own words that it made them seem fearful to me. I've been enabling fear so much that I even thought of moving out of my own home. I didn't want to tell anyone and yes that is one of my many enablers, not being able to seek help when I need help.

I have decided to stop all that. I will not allow fear to be the main determinator of my life anymore. With that said I am on my way to the Mabaso household to seek help and I pray  that God allows them to see past my family's insults regarding their child. I don't know what to expect but I pray that it is nothing bad.

I stand by the front door then exhale as I let my knuckles bang on the wooden door. How I left without being noticed, well that's a story for another day. I am just thankful that I could. I guess that pervet is not so good at his job. "Buhle?" Phiwokwake says in more than a question rather as he looks at me with confusion on his face. "Bhuti Phiwo uhm hi..." This is weird I know. The fact that I just decided to come here out of the blue is even weirder than me actually being here. "What are you doing here?" He is not being rude which I appreciate at the moment. He is just being confused and this actually brings me confusion as well.

"May I speak to you please just for a moment." He nods as he let's me in. I pray that their stepmother is not here right now. I'd rather deal with the scary and intimidating grandfather than I would the stepmom. "Would you like something to drink?" I shake my head no as he accompanies me to the living room where I stand in awe yet again because of the beautiful interior of the place. This room specifically reminds me of that specific day. I fidget a little on my seat trying to control my breathing. "Thank you for letting me in."

"Sure but are you ok?" He asks with honest worry laced in his tone. I manage to let out a small smile as I nod my head. This question is triggering because I don't know the definition of ok anymore. I'm trying to search for it deep inside of me but it seems like I just can't grasp it. "Yeah uhm... I just wanted some help with something. Bhuti uh... do you know any Mangaliso Sheshe?" I need to do a deep dive on this man as much as I can so that I won't feel like I'm overreacting everytime he looks at me or tries to touch me in anyway. What I have compiled so far is that he is a pervet and a very creepy man.

"Mangaliso? It rings a bell somehow but not entirely. Why, is something wrong with the baby. Shit please don't tell me something is wrong with the baby because Phila is going to kill me." At the mention of his name I instantly just calm down for a bit before it registers in my head that he just said his name and in a sentence like that. He notices this and tries to act like he never said it to begin with. "Is he ok?" This is a question that has been driving me crazy for the past few weeks and I just need clarity on it. "He is, he misses you." He responds further calming me down.  I have no idea why I miss being around him but I do and knowing that he's fine brings me peace.

I always thought the Mabaso men were these strong and scary intimidating men but Phiwo just changed my perspective a bit. He allowed me to be open and to say whatever I wanted to say without being judgemental about it. He didn't make me feel stupid for reacting the way I did nor did he not take my concerns for the new bodyguard seriously. I thought he would tell me that I am overreacting or something but he didn't. It just never came up. "I promise I will look into it ok. You have my word." He says as he accompanies me to my uber before hugging me and for the first time I feel comfortable hugging or being touched by someone who isn't my father or brother.

I didn't flinch and that just showed me that indeed fear is just overestimated and that I am going to be ok. Phiwokwake being one of the only people that I've seen Phila comfortable with makes me feel at ease with talking to him about this. When he is with him he doesn't hold his guard up waiting to be hurt. It's just like how Phila is with his father. I love that about them.

It's in these past few days that I have learnt that people do not change. Either they have always been like that or they are always ready to show you what they can do in order to get what they want. This was meant to teach me a thing or two on humanity but it didn't. I was left naive and in a nutshell I could say mute. I didn't think that some people were capable of doing bad things and I know this is confusing but let me get to it.

I didn't know or rather, I decided to turn a blind eye on what most people in my life were capable of and the scene that befalls me right now conforms it. This is the moment where everything becomes clearer for me. Either that or I just continue choosing to live in absolute ignorance. This is still very confusing but I am getting there. What I mean to say is, the amount of trust and hope we allow the people in our lives to have over us determines whether or not we will lead a successful life. This also includes whether or not the people are to he trusted with such a responsibility. 

I can safely say that I acknowledge the existence of God and my ancestors but having to grow up with a father like mine I never really partook in anything that included having to physically acknowledge them in ways such as ukuphahla and going to church or even praying. In these few months that I have met my mother I have been looped into the world of physically believing in God by praying for everything really.

I didn't know the importance of this until today when I get pictures of me scattered all over my room. These are pictures of me completely nude, in bed. I am in my room because I notice the carpet in these pictures. What I don't understand are the texts that follow. One clearly states that I look better naked rather than in the white lingerie. The other one says he now understands why Phila forced himself on me when he did. I say him because the only confrontation I've had where someone mentioned white undergarments was with that pervet named Mangaliso. This has to be him.

He is the only one beside my family that has access to my room. Now comes the part of the whole trust and people in your circle thing. I understand that my family love me and have my best interests at heart but having this man walk freely around the house is not helping anyone right now. "Good job on letting me do my work. If you didn't leave I don't think I would've been able to do any of these." He says behind me while tears fall. I can hear my heart beating in my ears and my eyes keep betraying me with tears.

"What do you want?" This is no coincidence. This man coming here is no coincidence and I know for sure that he wants something. I just want him out of my life. "Mhmm that's a good question my love. You see, you are one hell of a beautiful woman. What kind of man would I be if I didn't want you all to myself? Mhmm?" He is speaking in riddles while touching me. I feel like he is burning my skin everytime he anywhere close to me. "I want you to help me hurt him where it hurts the most."

"Him? Phila?" He chuckles deadly so. "Wow his name is always at the tip of your tounge isn't it? Funny how he gets to hurt you over and over again and still wins you over when we have been here for centuries but nothing not even a piece of a Khumalo woman." Why is he speaking like this? He says it like he's been here over many years but that's impossible right? It is highly impossible that a person is able to live for many years on end. "I don't understand." Im really trying to but it's hard. Very hard. "You don't need to right now sweetheart. For now you just need to start being a good girl and listen to your father. You need to start acting like everything is ok if you still want your loved ones to be ok. Or should I say alive?" Something tells me that he means every word.

I am trying to keep my emotions at bay so that I get all that I need from him. He needs to say more so that I know for sure what he wants from me but for now he's not really saying much. In this life, what I have learnt so far is that I need to do whatever it takes to keep my family safe and if it means agreeing to whatever this psychopath wants me to do then that's exactly what I'll do. "Ok I'll be a good girl." And I'll do whatever it takes to keep my family and loved ones from any harm.

"Good girl, now where were we?"