Umbutho

Twenty-four

Twenty-four

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Ngizithandela abazali bam. (I love my parents.)

"Hlehle nana, khuluma nathi. Sifunuk siza nana. (Please speak to us baby, we just want to help.)" My mother says as she caresses my arm while my father sits infront of me. I want to tell them, I really do but how do I go about telling my father that the very man he warned me against is the one who hurt me so severely? I can't even imagine the words coming out of my mouth. He is looking at me with love and affection. I wonder if he feels the same about me right now.

"Buhle." My father says pulling me out of a train of thoughts. I dart my eyes away as they fill with tears because of his words replaying in my mind. All those times when my brother and him told me to stay away from him but I didn't because at that time I just thought he loved me and wanted what was best for me, forgetting the fact that my family loves me more and probably would give me the world if given a chance to.

"Ba... it's nothing." I have already articulated the words in my mind and written a special tribute to my father off the love I have for him. But my mouth denies me the chance. I can't seem to voice it out to them and tell them exactly what I want to tell them, this just seem to be a very difficult task for me. "Uloya mfana wakwa Mabaso? (Is it tht Mabaso boy?)" He says for the second time today. I just realised now that I have missed hearing this man speak. I've been so occupied with making sure I show Phila the love I have for him that I forgot that I needed to be showered with love. I was too ignorant to notice how in need my heart was to be showed true and honest love without the benefits of hurting after.

"Baba!" My mother reprimand him carmly so without raising her voice or shrinking in order to make his dominance known. He huffed before nodding his head telling her she's sorry without it being verbal. "Sisi you know you can tell us anything right? Siya kthanda (we love you) nana very much and we don't like seeing you crying like you were yesterday. Awulalanga izolo lokhu baby siyacela khuluma nathi. (You didnt sleep last night because of it please talk to us.)" The amount of tears that overwhelm me become too much for me to bare. I feel them rolling down my face as my father gets closer and just as he touches me I flinch and not because I want to but because of a reflex.

"So...sorry." he looks at me, hurt for a moment before going back to where he was previously sitting. Now I just hurt my own father. "Baba I'm sorry, I...I didn't mean." He nods before opening his arms out for me and allowing me to slowly go to him. When I finally do I try my hardest to control the fact that I would flinch and thankfully it helps. I lay my head on my beautiful father's chest and silently cry out while my mother has a worried look on her face before realisation hits her. Her eyes widen with knowing what has happened and for a second there I don't pick up the fact that she may know what has happened until her eyes fill with tears of her own.

"Buhle..." her voice breaks and I quickly rise from my father's chest and come face to face with my mother. Her eyes filled with hurt and mine fear. My father cannot know what happend to me. It will tear her apart more than it does my mother. She cannot know what had happened to me because then how will I explain it? How would I even start to come to terms with everyone knowing. At the moment I hate myself for letting it happen to me. I hate how I look all of a sudden and thus I turned the mirror that was in my bedroom away from facing me and towards the wall.

They can't know. They just can't. "Mama... I... Please no." I whisper to her but unfortunately for me my father heard me. He starts asking about it but none of us answer him. I can't peel my eyes off of my mother and come to terms with the fact that my father would know any second from now.

"Baba I think Buhle has something to tell us." Her first tear drop moves down her smooth perfectly crafted face and falls off to her shirt as she wipes the remaining salt water left behind. "No... no I don't." She stands up from my bed and takes a few steps back placing her hand on her heart and comes back again. She heaves a big sigh of hurt and holds my hand. "Its ok nana tell him." My father is left filled with confusion as she gently strokes my arm softly speaking in her beautiful tone filled with love.

"Kwenzenjani? Mkami? Buhle? Yini ukhulelwe? (What's wrong, are you pregnant?)" He says it with a tone filled with failure and disappointment. I'm guessing the failure part comes from him not shielding me enough from the world and the disappointment would come from me being pregnant at my young age without a degree. I don't want to disappoint my father and at that moment a thought comes into my mind. I didn't get myself a morning after pill and the possibility that I am currently pregnant is one of the many things I am afraid of at the moment.

"Please excuse me." I've never stuttered in my life before I met Phila. Now all I know are sentences that are incomplete and filled with fear. "Haibo Buhle, uyaphi manje? (Where are you going?)" I shake my head moving away from the bed and putting on my shoes as well as a hoodie because I am sure I don't look or so easy on the eye.

As soon as I'm out of the yard I get an overwhelming feeling that someone is watching me. I quicken my pace and request an uber feeling the anxiety wrap itself around my mind. Thankfully my uber driver is a woman because I am positive I wouldn't have felt ok being in a car with an unknown man. The fact that it's a woman makes me feel a tad bit better than I did when I requested.

I wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I had a choice besides being here right now sitting on the waiting chair waiting for the doctor to see me.

I am filled with fear, I am afraid and for the first time I feel so alone. I feel like the possibility of disappointing my family has suddenly become a reality. I don't want that though, I don't want to disappoint my father, my mom or my brother and nephew. I don't know what kind of pain this is but it hurts. Knowing and learning that I would possibly have to live with the fact that I took what was given to me and threw it away like trash, leaves me bleeding and in physical and psychological pain.

"Miss Khumalo?" The nurse calls out as I am so occupied with the choices that I have made so far regarding my life. Choices that have left me sitting alone here today. He hands me my test results and starts speaking gibberish stuff that I am clueless on. All I am thinking about right now is the possibility of me being pregnant. As I open the envelope while he speaks I see something that is meant to make me happy but it doesn't. I am freaking out and all I feel are the tears that stream down my face while my heart bleeds out in pain.

How do I go about this?