Umbutho

Eleven

Eleven

Bengayazi ukhuthi nase mjolweni kuyabekezelwa. (I had no idea that dating comes with the well known African phase 'you hold on'.)

"Standwasami." Phila's voice echoes throughout this entire bedroom. I am not in the mood most definitely after what has already happened. My ribs feel like I've been kicked over and over again. "MaKhumalo" his voice is calmer, more sincere as if today never even happened. I have cried my lungs out, begged his brother to take me home. All he said was to wait for Phila to wake up so that he can explain.

The last thing I need right now is to be in an abusive relationship regardless of feeling like the man that did this to me isn't the same man but I guess that's what most woman want to believe too. He comes close to me as I feel the bed dip and his hand caress my arm. He asked me if I had bruises only to bruise me in ways I never knew I could. My stomach is blue and purple, bruised by the man I seem to be madly in love with.

My eyes feel heavy, my voice is raspy and my mind is just tired I want today to be over and done with. Only one question runs through my mind..."If your brother hadn't arrived, would you have let me go?" It's an easy question that needs an answer. I need to understand why it happened to begin with. Why am I a victim of his unfavouring anger? "No standwasami please just... ngiyaxolisa (I'm sorry). Ngenze iphutha (I made a mistake). Please forgive me." I shake my head. I have not yet found the strength to open my eyes and look at him because deep down I know that I'll only be made a fool by my own heart.

"What am I forgiving exactly Philasande? What do I forgive? Am i forgiving the fact that you hurt me? Or am I forgiving the fact that I am in a relationship with a man I barely even know?" My throat is itching from all the sobbing that I have done. Since I've known Phila, all I seem to be doing is just crying like I don't have a home. I've been crying like I've never cried before. It says a lot about this relationship but my heart is just falling deeper and deeper with no end to it. "Cha (no) you do know me MaKhumalo. I am the man you love, the man that is right next to you pleading with you to forgive him. I didn't mean to hurt you. Please..."

I feel like this conversation is just going to drag. "Please take me home, i have school tomorrow morning." I stand up then walk towards the window. There is pain around my abdomen and I fear what might be so I'll just ignore it until my class ends tomorrow. "Ngicela siyi khulume lento MaKhumalo ngiyacela (Can we please talk this through). Let's not just leave it the way it is." I shake my head as I take a step closer to the window admiring the view. My side's feel like they are being ripped apart. This man is stronger than I thought he was.

"There's nothing to say. You hurt me Phila, I asked you to stop over and over again but you never did. If your brother hadn't arrived would you have let me go?" A fresh cup of tears flood my eyes as I wipe them away and the tug that comes with raising my hand to my face makes me flinch in pain as I let out a sound to show my pain and discomfort. He jumps towards me to try and comfort me but I move away. I appreciate the gesture but I can't keep letting him touch me.

"Please take me home Phila. Ngicela ukhamba ngiye ekhaya. (May I please just go home.)" I notice his jaw tighten before he nods and walks towards the bedroom door. The ride home is silent filled with unspoken words and unshared feelings. I have no idea what is going through his head at this moment but I know that I feel like a train just went through me. 'Just hold on Buhle, just until he gets you home'- my subconscious says as if it has already picked sides.

When we get to the gate he stops the car then turns to look at me. His eyes are bloodshot red, filled with nothing but fear. "Ngiyakthanda MaKhumalo, ngiyaxolisa.(I love you, I'm sorry.)" I palm his beautiful face. "Nami ngiyakthanda Mbulazi kodwa ngidinga isikhathi (I love you too but I just need time) just to... to try and understand what just happened. I..." words cannot seem to come up right. I'm not dumping him no, never. I don't think I'll live after that. I kiss his cheek then open the door heading out.

"Siya hlukana? (Are we breaking up?)" His question is one that I was expecting but not like this. "Cha (no) , i just need space." He nods then looks ahead, i want to stay Lord knows I want to stay but I cannot until he at least tells me what just happened. I'm scared, I'm really scared. I close the door right after then walk towards the gate. It hurts physically and emotionally but I can not be comforted by the same person that hurt me.

"Yini inkinga yakho Buhlebethongo? (What's your problem?) Eh? What is it really tell me ngoba (because) it's obvious that there is something wrong so what is it?" I am welcomed by my father's angry voice as I walk in. His face tells me that he is without a doubt angry with me. "Baba angizwisisi (I don't understand Baba) uhm..." this is the only answer I can give him. "I thought this whole misbehaving thing and not listening to me was just about you wanting to know who your mother is so now tell me yini inkinga yakho? (What is your problem?) Why do you constantly disobey me by seeing leya mbuzi ebizwa (that goat called) uPhilasande Mabaso?"

Oh so this is what it is about. There is absolutely nothing I can say to defend myself. All I can do is just sit down and bow my head because I'm in pain. Wait did he just call Phila a goat? "Ufunani la kimi Buhle (What do you want from me) hee? What do you want?" I shake my head then look at him, all I see is hurt in my father's eyes. I don't understand the hate he has for him because honestly why would he hate that I'm happy? "There's nothing Baba. I... I don't want anything from you." Can he let me go so that I can drown myself with painkillers.

"Then what is it? You can have so many other men out there but you decide to choose umuntu wakwa Mabaso why him, please just tell me so that I can get it." Is this really a conversation I need to be having with my father? He sits right next to me then caresses my hand. I feel like crying more than I already have today. "I love him Baba. I can't turn it off even though I really really want to." He sighs before pulling me into a bone crashing hug. My father is not a very affectionate man but when he is it makes me really happy.

He hides his emotions so well and yet when you need it he is always there. I can't stop myself from crying anymore so here I am sobbing in my father's arms. I keep flinching and I think he is starting to notice now. "Yini indaba? (What's wrong?) You keep moving away from me." I shake my head then wipe my tears off using my shirt. "Uhm I think my woman thingies are starting early this month so ngisa cela indlela. (Please excuse me)" His eyes go wide then he quickly let's me go. It's so funny whenever this happens.

I remember when I started with my period it was the most scariest day of my life but he was there even though he panicked more than I did. Luckily there was this woman who always babysat me for my father whenever he had to go to work. She told us all about what happens when it that happens and what to buy and how to take care of myself when it did happen.  I will always be thankful to Gog'Twala because that woman was always there for me and I know she still would be had she still been alive today. 

My bedroom feels odd. I know he hurt me but all I want is him right now, cuddling me like he did earlier today. My rib area is on fire, maybe I need a doctor because I don't think I'll just wake up and I'll miraculously be healed. I get up again hoping my father isn't here and that my injuries are not that bad. I don't even think I reached the kitchen because my eyes just decided to close themselves and I could no longer feel my body.

I see the light. That's bad right?