Umbutho

Thirty-one

Thirty-one

Mhlampe inhlanhla ukuba lana nawe. (Maybe it's just luck that I am here with you today.)

The beeping that I am supposedly meant to be familiar with right now awakens me. Flapping  my eyes I look around and just in the corner of my eye I see him. Just the way he has always been only thinner. His arms are ripled with more tattoos than I can count but that only hides the scares that cover his skin. His eyes are circled by eyebags and his lips dried up like a desert. His skin looks to be fried up like overcooked chicken. What did they do to him?

The needle stuck on my left arm as well as the oxygen mask providing me with oxygen stops me from walking close to him. I feel weak but I just want to see him up close just for a second. My abdomen feels like it's been ripped apart by a dozen wolf's but I just want to see him up close and so I start pulling and trying my all to stand on my feet just for a minute or two. My heart seems to be racing just as my struggle comes to life. The beeping might have awakened him as well, as his eyes rest upon my face before realisation steps in. "MaKhumalo...wenzeni uzozilimaza mama. (What are you doing? You'll hurt yourself mama.)"

He says as he walks towards me holding me in his embrace just as he gets to me. I feel like getting it all out on him. I want to tell him everything but I fear that he may not love me like he did when we met due to the influence of dark magic. I want him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok even though I am in doubt about it ever being ok but, I just want him to be here with me for as long as I need him to be. I try to speak but no words are coming out. The lump in my throat keeps getting bigger and bigger making it impossible to keep myself together.

"Shh it's ok Mama everything is going to be ok." His choice of words and the fact that he called me 'Mama' makes it all the moree difficult. How do I just not cry when it is all just crashing on me making it hard to breath. "Shit Standwasami, MaKhumalo... hey hey listen to me ok. Doctor!!! Shit Mama ngiyacela (please). Listen to me, you're ok. You fought standwasami and you prevailed, it's over. All of it is over. I just need you to come back to me ok. Shhh" and that gets me to focus on my breathing just as the nurses and doctor burst their way in only to inject me with something.

The last image I have just before I pass out is of Phila's tears. His eyes filled with sorrow, pain and agony just as my eyes allow darkness in.

When they open I am met with a room filled with people. They all suffocate me with their presence and the one that I am looking for doesn't seem to stand in my view. I can hear my father's voice clearly as he speaks to Phila's father about me. I don't understand why they are talking about me but something catches my attention. "She needs cleansing because of ingane." I didn't want anyone to know about the loss of my baby because I was avoiding having to live through it again.

I clear my throat getting their attention as my mother comes to view looking just as bad as Phila looks. Her eyes have eye bags and her skin has gone pale. I hope she didn't starve herself because of me. She smiles as tears blind her eyes forcing me to let out a small smile as well. "Nana." She whispers softly like a feather next to my ear. I hold her hand and squeeze it just a little. They need to know that this is not their fault. I went with that man willingly even though I had a gut feeling telling me not to but I did regardless of it.

It wasn't their fault and no matter how shitty I feel or how disgusting I feel inside, I will never hold anyone else accountable for the deeds of a man I still don't know the name off. He died nameless to me but even through that he will live through the pain he has caused to both families. My father sits next to her, his eyes filled with guilt. I show him a small smile too holding his large hand into mine before kissing it. I am assuring them that neither of this was any of their fault and that I am ok.

My eyes wander around the room after I have been handed to a glass of water. I am looking for one specific person. I want to see more of him now and forever more. I never want to be that far away from him again and I never will be. The room is filled with Phila's family as well as mine though I notice that two people aren't here and that is Phila and my brother. I wonder where they are.

"Buhle." My father catches my attention right after clearing his throat. I have a feeling that they are about to speak about the baby. "Uright?" I nod my head not having the courage to speak because of the fear that I might just confess to killing someone. Now that I think about it I feel bad because not only will his blood be on my hands the amount of pain inflicted to me by him will be as well. Just then the door opens revealing the two men that are missing.

There is something missing in Phila's eyes. I don't know what it is but his presence just unsettles me. I look directly into his eyes taking note of how he just avoids mine. He was fine just a minute ago when I woke up and now what? I direct my eyes to my brother and he just shrugs telling me that he doesn't know. Everyone can feel the sudden eerie feeling that Phila walks in with because they are all quiet and staring at him. He takes no notice to this as the two men start arguing yet again about this whole cleansing.

I rub my head trying to sooth the sudden headache that has invaded my head. "You should all go now." Phila says sounding even more diffrent then he did when I first woke up. This shocks everyone as they all just look at him again as if he just said the more horrendous thing ever created. The two men look at him contemplating before my father turns to me kissing my head goodbye and his father just walks out with his shoulder deflated. I don't know what's going on but whatever it is isn't good. My mother stands with the help of my father and walks behind him as my brother comes to me and lays a kiss on my forehead.

"I love you." He says before walking out leaving me with Phila or whatever it is that is in the space of him. As soon as the door is closed his shoulders release all the tension that he walked in with and his eyes go back to how they were earlier on. "I'm sorry about that." He says as he walks towards me cautious of his step just to make sure that I am not afraid of him. "You still have..." the words come out slower then I intended. He nods his head as he sits next to me on the bed stroking my cheek.

"They tried all they could to get it out of me but..." so he wins. The man without a name wins after everything we have been through he just wins just like that. It's as if all the fighting and the pain meant nothing because he wins. Him and whoever wanted this union to fail wins. I can only shed a few tears wishing that this was all a dream. "We have to look for someone else please Phila..." I say with more tears threatening to pour out of my eyes. He shakes his head defeated.

"We can't standwasami. If we do... we're going to die." He says looking at me sending shivers down my spine. We're gonna die if we try and get whatever this thing is out of him. "I don't want you to die mama." He says with tears in his eyes while he squeezes my hand. He shakes his head as if the possibility and reality of it all is already playing in his head. "What are we going to do?" He shrugs before a sob escapes his lips. I collide his head to my chest letting him cry on me. He's scared and so am I. I don't know what now or where to from here but what I do know is I am sticking to him through it all.

"I am not going anywhere Phila, uyangizwa?(do you understand?)" He nods his head and tightens his hold around me.

Through it all.

Hey lovies. I know it's a bit confusing right now but please be patient as we are getting to the most important part of the book. Just a few more chapters.