Umbutho

Thirty

Thirty

*****NOT edited*****

Kubhlungu...kodwa ngizolwa. (It hurts but I am going to fight till the end.)

The pain I feel inside me amounts to no other pain I have ever had to bear. This hurts the most because I am all alone. No one is here for me. I am alone while I have to come to terms with the loss of my baby and the fact that I am now all alone. When I was stuck here knowing that there was a living being inside of me I didn't think of myself as alone. I wanted someone to save me because I wanted to see the birth of my child but now none of that will ever happen.

The blood that has flooded my legs and the worn off carpet as well as the pain that feels like someone is stabbing at my chest and abdomen over and over and over again, keeps playing in my mind. As I let out yet another scream wishing it was one of a contraction rather than losing my child. My heart has just been taken out of my chest and it hurts more than I thought it would. The most condescending thing is that I can't stop bleeding and I am a mess trying to stop it.

The amount of self pity, hate and overall depressing feeling of failure comes to show only to break me down over and over again. Now I am hollow, thinking of a way to succumb to the pain that is in my heart which succeeds with destroying my self worth. I am left in a daze.

I look up at the dark ceiling which shows water damage just waiting for this house to close in on me. I feel useless and the feeling hurts. The amount of times I have closed my eyes in the last few days and imagined my baby crying for me exceed the level of sanity left in me. I don't know what to do but I know one thing is for sure. I am going to make it out of here, whatever it takes.

The devil that has kept me captive for days on end has not been back since the last incident took place. I keep waiting for him to show himself praying that when it eventually happens I have the strength to fight my way out of this hell hole. Time is ticking away encouraging my heart to thrump it's way trying to escape the cages within my chest. The door that is locked with a butler gate outside of it keeping me captive within the barriers of this house.

It felt like I had been here for years just waiting for him to come back just once so that I can unleash whatever it is that is inside of me onto him. I want him dead just for what he did to my baby. I don't care about the blood on my hands or the mere fact that I could possibly lose my sanity if I do actually go ahead with this. I just want him dead. And so the wait begins. Three becomes six by the look of the position of the sun and finally the sound of his car makes it known to me that he's here.

"Hey beautiful...mhmmm what is that smell?" He says as soon as he walks in. His eyes move to my legs and he just stares at the blood that cover my pants before they rest onto mine. I could've sworn I saw a little remorse when I looked into his eyes but all of it just disappeared and there laid a cold expression. The one that will forever haunt my dreams. "There is water here for a reason. Are you that incompetent that you can't even clean yourself up?" Cleaning myself would mean I choose to forget about the existence of my baby.

Being clean would mean I choose to erase the possibility of ever being someone's mother. How would I just willingly do that? Why would I just choose to forget my child?

It's in that instance that I decided right then and there that I had made a decision. A decision that would filter the way I live from here on out. I decided to make use of choice, one thing that I have struggled to exercise for so long that it has become a burden to me. Now I chose to get the hell out of here and that's what I did. I tightened my hand around the long shard of the mirror I broke.

I didn't care for the slight pain I felt in the palm of my hand but the adrenaline that forced me to get out of this place kicked in and before I knew it he was laying right in front of me with blood oozing out of his neck looking at me with horror, shock but mostly gratitude. "Thank you." He whispered confusing me even more before I started shaking with the reality that I killed someone.

Before I could let all the thoughts overcome me a black cloudlike substance flew out of the corner of my eyes. I don't know what that means but I do know one thing. I know that behind that door is freedom, something so simple yet misinterpreted by most. I scrambled for the keys in his pocket then run out after unlocking the door.

It's in that moment when my feet touched the grass and my lungs inflated with pure oxygen that I knew I was free. Free from my captor and mostly what ever dark magic that has played a role in my life since I met Phila. Phila, I could've sworn I heard his voice right before my eyes met with darkness and the beating of my heart started fading away. His voice along with the many sounds that registered in my mind began sounding so distant almost like a dream.

And there I knew that it was over.

But was it?