Umbutho

Seventeen

Seventeen

Kwa suka sukela. Ngifisa ngabe impilo yam ingi ndlalekwane (once upon a time. I wish my life was a story out of a fairytale.)

"Hawu Mtungwa, Mbulaz'omnyama (Khumalo clan names)" Phila's father comments as my feet find their way with the floor leaving my wounded boyfriend whining as if I just pushed him off of me. I know one thing about my father, when he's angry he'd rather not say a word because then he says things that can break a person. He glances at Phila's father then returns his eyes on me. I feel stupid at this point because I should've listened to that little voice that told me not to come here. Too little too late sister.

"Buhle." He sounds like he's tierd. I would too if I had to run after someone who was hell bent on not listening to a word I said regarding the boy she's dating. "Baba" my heart is beating out of my chest. I feel like my lungs are losing oxygen. "Asambe. (Let's go)" His word is final as I follow him behind like a lost puppy back into my room. All I can think about now is that I have gone too far to not have a drastic response from him.

When we get into the room my mother's eyes follow me like the lost puppy I've become. I'm trying to understand my father's silence but it just sounds like a ringing sound of nothingness. Why is he so quiet, he should be blowing a fuse right now. I still don't understand why my father is bothered by the fact that I am in love with someone that honestly makes me happy. I don't understand why despite the fact that I told him about this, he still thinks he can tell me who to date. I've dated before with his knowledge and none of my ex's got bullet wounds or were told to stay away from me.

I would've understood had this been a reoccurring thing but it's not. This is all new too me which confuses me even further because I have never dealt with such even when I had my first boyfriend, he just told me to be careful and if and when the boy hurts me go run to him and that was it. So now the question is why is Phila different because if it has something to do with this pertaining war then it's a pretty stupid thing to be fighting over. My feelings for Phila will not just disperse because my great great grandfather had a bone to pick with a Mabaso specifically the one who would be related to the man I love.

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"Baba hayii bandla. (Baba no.)" My mother's voice creaks in as tears roll down my eyes. My father has my clothes in a huge suitcase in an attempt to take it to the car. We were just coming home a minute ago and now I am being told that I'm going to resume my education in another country. Now my packed clothes are in a suitcase in the car boot. I feel like I'm about to splatter up in pieces. How did we even get to a point where my mother is begging my father not to do what he is about to do and me just crying on the gravel road sitting on it bare.

My brother is trying to talk him out of it but it's like he's talking to the wall. "Baba ngiyakcenga (I'm begging you.) please. Ntsika khuluma no Baba wakho bandla. (Ntsika please talk to your father.)" One minute I was thinking that he was finally giving up about the whole me and Phila thing and now this happens. "Myeni wam ngiyacela (My husband please) let's just get back in the house and speak please Baba." Ma says after Ntsika failed his mission of talking to his bestie. He looks at her for a minute or two then goes back inside. I've been sitting on the pavement for sometime now.

I honestly didn't know what to do and how to even go about doing it. I love my father, I respect him a lot too but sometimes, I just wish he was a bit distanced from me. "Woza Buhle. (Come Buhle.)" My brother helps me up as we then walk into the house with my heart beating out of my chest. Maybe I pushed him too far. I mean this has never happened before, the man told me straight to my face to forget about school if I'm going to apply into a university that would be far from him. So this, this can only mean that I pushed him so far away that he had no choice but to consider sending me away.

"I need everyone to come down ka khulu kazi wena Baba. (more especially you Baba.) Please just speak to one another. No insults, no disrespect and no swearing. Don't act rash. You two have been together for years. You know each other too well for you to be doing this and not speaking it through. Please just listen and you will speak when I give you the platform to. Ok?" My mother's words sooth the ache that resides in my heart. It is true, Baba and I have been each others greatest support system for years and so I feel a bit taken aback now that he is against what I want to do. He is against how I feel.

"Baba ngicela uqale. (Please start Baba.)" Baba shakes his head before focusing his eyes onto me. "You are smart girl Buhle and very beautiful mntanami I still don't understand why you want to waste all of that for a boy that hardly even knows what love is. You can get any boy you want and yet you chose him why? Maybe if I knew your reasons that would make it easier for me to understand. Why?" Ma looks at me so that I answer Baba. "I'm going to tell you what I once told you before. I love Phila Baba. Loving someone does not necessarily act upon whether the person loves you back but my heart... I love him. I cannot just change how I feel about him because my father is not ok with our relationship. I cannot just switch off my feelings for him Baba."

I am going to repeat what I said earlier on. The love I have for Philasande Mabaso is almost toxic and not in a bad way but in a good way. I can personally comment that I am highly obsessed with being around him. I am obsessed with his voice and everything else that is Philasande Mabaso. Why am I suddenly expected to just switch it off? Are they willing to watch me fade away. Are they willing to watch my every emotion die out because the sudden reason for it's existent has been forced out of my life? If that's what they want to do then I guess I might as well consider suicide.

"Ngiyakuzwa Buhlebethongo kodwa (I hear you Buhle but...) are you not tired? Are you not tired of always having to go back and forth with all of this. I hear you. You love him that's ok I cannot change how you feel for him but just as you cannot expect us to help you switch off your feelings then you can also not expect me to just watch as I lose my only daughter to a man that I know will not love her like she deserves to be loved." Am i the only one that finds it hard to understand his statement? I don't get it.

"Kanti mina Baba akmelanga njabule?(Am I not deserving of happiness Baba?) You don't want me to be happy? Is that it? Am I not suppose to be happy mina Baba? Ngenzeni ku bani (What did I do and to whom?) why am I not suppose to be happy? You don't want..." My throat swells up as my tears cascade all over my face. I don't understand. He loves me and I know that his love is not conventional or rather thought of as normal but Phila loves me. I love him back it's not like he's forcing me to be with him. I am doing all of this out of my free will why is that so hard to understand?

My mother sighs as she lays her soft and delicate fingers on my skin to comfort me. I didn't know that such realities existed where a daughter fights her father off for the man that she loves. I thought that it was all just in mythologies or movies but never in real life. How does he just sit there looking at me and thinking that it's ok to do all of this. I would've forgiven him shooting my boyfriend but he tried to ship me off to a place far away from this, all of this. I just met my mother the least he could've done is to just think of that.

It's not been long since I have known my brother and honestly speaking I don't like our on and off relationship. My father didn't even give that a second thought. He was ok with me losing even more time with my mother. He was ok with the rocky relationship I have with my brother. He was absolutely fine with having to erase my image out of little Nkanyiso's mind. If he could be fine with that then may be this is not the man that raised me. Maybe the enemy he is always raving about is just the mirror version of himself.

Maybe just maybe he doesn't love me the way I would've thought he does...