Umbutho

Thirteen

Thirteen

*****NOT EDITED*****

Uthando lu nama terms and conditions. Inkinga yam pho ukhuthi angikulindanga okuzayo. (Love has terms and conditions. My problem is not preparing for them.)

These past few weeks just went on in a blur. I am out of hospital and the first thing I did was order a huge burger. I mean I needed to awaken my taste buds from the traumatic experience it's been through at the hospital. Phila is still MIA so that's another thing that's happening. I don't understand what is so hard with calling someone and just telling them that you won't be available for a few days.

I'm back to school and it has been hectic. I'm so behind it not even a joke. I'm busy writing a paper on what ever chemical and I'm so not interested at this moment. I feel like I'm forcing my mind into something I don't even want myself. As I'm busy my bedroom door opens. I don't even have the energy to look at the person that decided to just walk in like my bedroom is a hostel. "Hle uBaba wants to talk to you." My brother's voice booms out.

These day my relationship with the two have gone from shakey to just dead. I don't know why and I honestly don't even have the patience for it. "Ngiyeza. (I'm coming)" I hear his footsteps fade away before I stand up and walk to the living room's direction. Nkanyiso has disappeared again, I'm not even going to ask. I sit down as he is busy eating his plate from last night. He didn't come back last night and I am greatful that he is back now without a scratch.

"Buhle." That's the first word that comes from his mouth after i greet him. "I found your mother, she would like to see you." Now I'm speechless. How is it that I have been in grief about my mother and all along he could just find her in mere seconds? This doesn't make sense at all. Did my father hide the fact that he's always known where she was all this time? Or is he just as shocked as I am right now? "Angizwisisi Baba. (I don't think I understand.)" I fail to understand a lot these days like the fact that Phila decided to just disappear without a trace from the face of the world.

"Your mother would like to see you that's if you want to." If I didn't know better I'd say he is hiding something from me but it's fine. I feel like I've always been naive when it comes to everything my father did. I never questioned it mainly because I thought he was doing it for my sake but now... all these questions are raising pleading for answers that I have no idea of. "Where is she? Ngizoya manje. (I'll go right now.)" I'm craving to see her and be with her but I first need to know where she is in order to do all of that.

"In an orphanage... I'll take you there myself tomorrow." Tomorrow? "Kodwa(but) Baba I just... why not now." His face changes. Whatever is going on in this house, i want no part of it anymore. I'm sick and tierd of this sudden treatment. "Ngoba ngishilo (Because I said so.) Buhlebethongo." And his word is final. I stand up and leave without a word said. I am honestly tierd and I am badly in need of someone to talk to about all of this. I feel like I'm carrying way more than I think I am.

"Buhlebethongo Hello." I'm answering my phone that has been ringing off the charts. I wonder what this persistent person wants so late at night. I need to sleep and find out what I really want for my life. "Standwasami." Haa the devil has been brought back from the dead. Phila takes people as clowns and I hate it because if he was serious about his life then he would stop joking to the clown he sees on my face. "Philasande." I don't have the energy. I have school in the morning and I have to prepare myself emotionally to be in the same room as the woman that gave birth to me.

I need to prepare myself to ask the questions that I've always wanted to ask. "Unjani?" I'm pretty sure my tone says it all but I guess he needs me to verbally tell him how I'm feeling. "What do you want Phila?" If he thinks he can just disappear then reappear and act normal after then he has another thing coming. He sighs I'm already picturing him scratching his head in frustration. "Ngi ngam khumbuli umuntu wami yin? (Am i not suppose to miss my partner?)" Please tell me how Zulu men date because I fail to understand the ignorance his tone is filled with. I have no idea, none whatsoever why he is so unbothered by the fact that he's been avoiding me for the past three weeks.

"Phila umdala and honestly I can not tell you how to live your life. Ngikhatele. I stand up for you over everyone only for you to come back and treat me like my feelings mean nothing to you. We've not even been dating that long but I'm already tierd dreading this whole relationship. Hayii ngeke I'm also someone's child Philasande and I honestly don't need this. I don't need none of this." This is me offloading. I will not cry and beg him to spend all his time with me. Phila is a grown ass man that knows what he wants and if i am not what he wants then fine.

There is silence after what I said. I am hoping that my words have somehow reached the depths of his heart. I have no doubt in my mind that Phila loves me and I do too but I can not always reassure myself of the love he has for me as if I'm forcing him to love me. "Ngiyaxolisa. (Im sorry.)" I shake my head as if he can see me. I'm frustrated with everything and his sudden departure is not helping at all. "It seems like that's all you do these days." I wonder what is going through that big head of his.

"Ukhuthi ngivele ngi ngazi ukhuthi ngithini kwena(it's just that I never really know what to say to you). I just get stuck. I didn't want to upset you especially because you were still laying in a hospital bed. Ngiyaxolisa ngempela (I'm really sorry.) MaKhumalo and I know I always do that. Apologizing i mean. I am just not used to falling in love with someone and constantly wanting to shield her from the world. Ngiyabheda (I suck) when it comes to communication  I know kodwa ngizofunda. Ngiyakthembisa." This is the most words he's ever spoken to me ever. I'm so proud of him at least I know we're getting better day by day.

He is constantly unwrapping a side to him that I never knew existed and I love it. I never knew he could be vulnerable until he came to the hospital. Phila is a different case all together and sometimes it gets exhausting but other times, it's the best thing to just unwrap all of him and enjoy him piece by piece. "So uthi ukuphi? (Where did you say you were again?)" I know he can apologise for hours so distracting him by changing the topic will do me good. "I'm...working." He paused between the two words. "You should've told me that from the beginning. " if he saved me the trouble then I wouldn't have to worry about his whereabouts.

"I didn't want you to worry." His response is vague making me think about whether or not I need to worry. Why would I worry about him working unless he is working for the illegal type of work instead of helping out at the taxi rank. "You're not eRank are you?" I can feel him breathing through the speakers. He is not making it easy for me by doing that. "Cha. (No)" That answers everything, why he's gone and why I couldn't get a hold of him. I remember when my Father did it almost every month. He would leave me for days with no word from him. I didn't care at the time because I was a mere child but now...

I'm aware of the dangers that come with whatever this job is because I used to visit my father in this hidden hospital somewhere in a forest. He would have bullet wounds or deep cuts on his body. I don't think I'm strong enough to see Phila in that state. "Just... come back safe ok, without a scratch. " my voice is shakey thinking about all those times I laid awake traumatised at my father's injuries. He thought I didn't know about them but I always knew I was always hiding in the shadows watching as he tried to muffle his screams caused by pain. "I promise you I will. I have to go muntu omuhle." He drops the call before I even have the chance to answer back.

Am i ready for all of this? Am i ready to lay in bed wondering if he'll come back safe? Am i ready to watch his eyes filled with pain as the doctor removes bullets on his body?

I don't think I am...