Umbutho

Twenty

Twenty

***UNEDITED
***UNEDITED

Ngikhalela yena ngoba akhekho omunye (I cry for him because there is no one else.)

Today was ok, it was fine. Just smooth sailing until a girl around my age came and sat right in front of me just as I was on a date with Phila. He left and said he needed to use the loo and so here we are with this woman sitting here staring at me with eyes filled with pain and sorrow. It is actually disheartening, I am trying to understand why she is just sitting here not saying anything. "Can I help you?" She smiles slightly as if she's in reminiscence. "You look just like my sister. Lighter but definitely alike." Ok?

"Its just a matter of time until you just end up just like her." What is really happening right now? I mean I was just sitting here all alone waiting for my boyfriend to come back and here comes this woman out of no where. "I don't understand." She pulls closer to me as her eyes fill with tears which she tries to blink away. "Uzokubulala (He's going to kill you) uPhilasande Mabaso and his family, those people are just going to cover it up, make it as if it was never even there. Run, as far as you can ngoba uzokubulala lamfana. (Because this boy is going to kill you.)" I'm stunned. I am just shocked.

"Sisi w-who are you?" My heart is pounding out of my chest. I don't know if it's because he has already hurt me already or because I have heard this all before. I heard these very words from his own brother which I ignored but now it's a stranger. A stranger is saying all these things to me and I don't know how to react. "My name is Zethu my sister Zama was one of his victims. You need to leave before he does the same thing to you." I have never heard of a Zama before. Who is Zama? "He's coming uhm... search Zama Mazibuko. Please sisi." She says before walking away as if she wasn't here a few seconds ago.

I feel a cold gentle push to my cheek and notice that Phila has laid his cold lips on me. I smile as he sits down right opposite me. " Where were we?" I don't know. Do I tell him or just forget it ever happened? One thing I do know for sure is that I am definantly going to do my research on Zama Mazibuko. "Haiibo MaKhumalo, ngikhuluma nawe phela. (I am talking to you.)" This whole thing is going to drive me crazy. What would he even do to the poor girl? I mean if this is actually true if he killed Zama Mazibuko then why? For what? I'd like to say I know him but I don't. I honestly don't know who Phila is.

"Sorry you were saying?" He looks into my eyes as if in a daze before flicking it off. "If you're not well then we can go home Buhle. There is no need to be here." I shake my head no a couple of times trying to get my head to function better than it has. "I'm sorry just thinking about something. Kodwa now I am going to uhm... pay attention. I promise." I give him my best smile hoping that he buys it and thankfully he does. "Ngiyakthanda MaKhumalo. (I love you.)" Why does that sound so different all of a sudden? It sounds like it's laced with threats. "And I love you Mr Mabaso." He gives me his best smile as we continue with out meal.

I love Phila and I feel like lately I try and plead with myself so much to keep that mindset in my head. I know I love him otherwise I wouldn't have put up with everything that he did. I feel stupid most of the time but this certain belief inside of me is driving me insane. The belief that he made a mistake and that he loves me, that he would never hurt me again.

That is the main thing that is keeping me in this relationship love... if this was the old me, I would've long ran away as soon as it first happened but this isn't the old me. I feel like I have somewhat changed into someone that I myself barely even know. Here I am searching through our famous well known Google for a Zama Mazibuko and what I find about it is confirmation to what I already knew or thought. This is just the nail to the coffin.

"A young woman's remains were found butchered to death at an abandoned building in the north of Kwa-Zulu Natal." First artical said. The next one suggested that she may or may not have been murdered by a serial killer because of how gruesome the scene was found. Some suggested that it was a ritualistic killing which she unfortunately was involved in but just as I thought that this was just not making any sense to me, her then boyfriend Philasande Mabaso's picture was there and the suspicion that he may have been involved in the killing of Zama.

I felt like my lungs ran out of air. It's just a suspicion right? His not a murderer? "Standwasami yini (what's wrong my love) I've been calling..." he pauses as he stands behind me, probably looking at the article on my phone with his name boldly written on the screen while my hands tremble with fear. "Standwasami..." I hear his footsteps walking towards me and then his face is suddenly on my face. His eyes just look so scared right now. I have never seen him so frightened before today, he is even more frightened then the day he fractured my ribs. "Ple...Please allow me to explain." That should've been the biggest 'red flag' as people like to call it but it wasn't.

I didn't notice how his explanation were just filled with endless gaps that needed even more explaining. I didn't notice the way his eyes twitched as he explained to me. I didn't notice his hand signals that just kept waving about. I didn't notice all of that. I just thought that he explained himself well. I was filled with the notion that everything was fine. I was ok with the fact that Zama's sister came to me in warning because her sisters life was lost in the hands of someone. I don't know if he did it but his behaviour when explaining to me told me spoke volumes rather than his voicewhich left me thinking about a lot when it comes to Phila. It made me question whether or not I wanted to lay my life in this man's hands after everything that I've just learnt.

I struggled a lot over the next few days that followed the whole Zama thing. I felt trapped in my own mind because I want to leave him but deep down I just want him to hold me till forever comes but first I need to be alive for all of that. The question is, was I going to remain alive with Phila or without him in my life. If I was so believing in supernatural things I would say that I was bewitched by him so that I'll never leave him no matter what I wanted, that I centered my entire life around him. I'm starting to go through all of this and I notice the littlest things that I never thought about before. Like the fact that I cried more than the when I smiled with him.

I was in pain more than I should have and yet I still declared oh with so much power that I loved him and I couldn't leave him. That it was a mistake and that he would never do that again. Then my mother's words came to me and thinking about it now that I can say that I am sober minded, I know that Phila falls under the abuser category.

I am afraid of what happens the next time whatever that was in his eyes happens again and I am left shaking in fear of the unknown. Do I want to be living like all the women I've read about on the blogs, novels and newspapers where they stayed because they were in love? Am I ready for such a commitment?

Am I willing to erase myself in order to fulfill the wishes of a man I love? Am I always going to have to go back and forth with my mind wondering whether or not it was a mistake or not? I'm too young for all of that responsibility so therefore I am not. I am not ready to be categorized as a victim of physical abuse. I am not ready to give up my life over to a man's hands hoping for a miracle because truely I don't think there will ever be one.

I have all these people that truely do love and acknowledge my existence yet I compromise my life for the love I have for him. It makes no sense yet I have been doing that for months now and something about Zama Mazibuko' s story spoke to me. It taught me that it can be anyone, that it can happen to anyone. She was young, a beautiful upcoming neurologist that gave up her life and career to satisfy what Phila wanted and in many aspects I am just like her. I am willingly giving up something that I have dreamt about since I was a child just to fit in. I know he never physically said that he doesn't want a working woman but something in me just thought it would be better that way and so it faded away.

My dream of being something big in the world just vanished like it never even existed to begin with. The dreams and aspirations I had accumulated to nothing all because of love, that's what I think it is. That on its own scares me. How did i get from being a young strongwilled woman who wanted nothing more than to achieve something that was so huge and uniformed to giving up all of that because I was in love. I gave it up because I thought that was something he would want eventually and maybe he will. How did we even get here honestly I want to know?

When did I pause my heart?