Umbutho

Nineteen

Nineteen

Yimpilo le esiyiphilayo. Ayinamngani ne nntanga. (This is life. It has no friend or foe.)

"What's that?" My mother asks as she throws herself inside the borders of my room. I am home after one hell of a day. Phila's brother gave me some pain medication. I could hear their bickering all the way in his trashed bedroom. It didn't make me feel any better hearing them go back and forth about me, the person that they decided to leave all alone in a room that looked like it was ravaged by a bear. Now my mother stands in front of me looking puzzled by the big bruise on my tummy. I had my shirt up just staring at it infront of the mirror.

"Nothing ma. Just some allergy." She squints her eyes before walking closer to me and laying her hand on the bruise causing a whimper to fly out of my mouth. "Allergy? From what?" God please let this lie of mine work. I can't affor my father knowing about this incident it will only push him into thinking that he was right all along. "I switched lotions so I think that it's causing all of this." Yoh that was lame. I don't even know this woman that well and yet I think so little of her mental capabilities. "And it only affected this area?" See that wasn't really clever was it? Damn ok what now?

"I'm not an idiot Buhle. I know a bruise caused by someone else's hand when I see one and this, this is it." I could feel my throat drying up. I look at her for a second before averting my eyes somewhere else. I feel like she can see all of it in her own spectrum which is probably not a good one for me. "Ma really it's nothing ok. It's not even that painful plus I have something to treat it from the doctor." Lies lies lies. How do they just keep flying out of me so naturally? It's frightening. I don't think it's even normal. "Come here baby." She pulls me over to my bed before laying her hand on my thigh.

"I was with a man before I met your father. I thought he was the best thing after tomato sauce in a bottle." Where is this going? "He made me feel safe, loved and cared for. He took care of me and for someone that lived in an orphanage at the time, that was the best thing ever. I fell in love with him and thought he loved me too but it was all just from me. I loved him so much I felt that whenever he made a mistake I was to be blamed. I heard myself say more sorries than I did the 'I love you' s' and the 'thank you'. He took pieces of me that will never grow back. One slap led to another and another until he was too tired to do so and then punches, kicks, throwing me against the wall and..."She swallowed as tears ran down her face while she paused.

"And caused far more pain than any of the physical pain he originally did. Years of that turned me into a puppet. Years of shielding him in public while he did exactly what was being said of him in private. Years of him acting like an amazing man in public while in real life he was just a monstor wearing expensive suits." She wiped her tears away and turned to look at me while her hands kept shaking in a subtle manner. "What I am trying to say to you baby is that you may feel safe with him. Feel like he is the best man for you but if he treats you like garbage that will always happen. Don't say just because you didn't wash the dishes today you deserved the slap."

"Don't say just because you spoke to him rudely you deserved to be punished by him because you don't. If he treats you like trash then he will always treat you like trash. He won't change just because you want him too. He won't change off of the love you show him or the loyalty you prove to him daily. You are smart, beautiful and an amazing young lady. Don't fall into the trap because trust me baby, this trap is the hardest to get out off." With that said she stands up, places a kiss on my forehead and attempts to walk out. "His not like that Mama. He made a mistake, he even apologied sincerely. He said he won't do it again."

"That's what they all say baby, but they never change." She walks out of my room leaving me with pressing thoughts. His not an abuser. Phila loves me he never hurt me right? My mom is just overreacting, Phila would never hurt me like that. He promised me before he dropped me off, he said it was the last time it would ever happen. He would never tarnish our love like that. No he wouldn't.

Dinner time came and there I was sitting on the dinner table in anticipation of what awaits me tonight. My worst fear is having my mother discuss what happened earlier to my father because then I know I will really be shipped off to study abroad. I can't afford that. I need to show Phila that I love him and that I am sorry for ignoring his existence these past few weeks. In doing that I need to be here in Kwa-Zulu Natal to do that. No where else. "Where did you go earlier today Buhle?" My brother asks me as his son clings off of my lap being his usual jumping self. What do they feed this kid again?

"Doctors office." My father turns to me in worry. "Why?" Ntsika's tone sounds so menacing. It's like he already knows why I apparently went to the doctors office for hours on end. "Allergic reaction." Yes I stuck to the allergy stuff. My mother isn't even paying attention to my lying self that's just sitting here idly opening my mouth up for more lies. "Oh I didn't know you had allergies." His tone keeps getting deadlier than before. What is my brother trying to achieve? "Me too. Is it anything serious ndodakazi? (daughter)" Oh how I have missed my father's voice speaking directly to me and only me. We have been ok with one another but rarely ever sat down like we used to and conversed with one another.

I think that that road has sailed and with it part of the relationship we had together. "No just my skin reacting to certain chemicals in the lotion I've been using." I should be trending for my ability to suddenly lie on the spot. I am lying as if I get paid for it and it seems to be working out, soothing my father's worries while the two other grown ups look at me as if I have grown horns. "Ok, that's good." My father says while nodding his head and getting back to his meal. I avert my eyes from my mother and brother before I lay everything out in the open for them to see.

I am trying my level best to keep this little one still but he just won't budge. I can't keep him on my lap because every time he lays back he brushes against my bruised skin which only causes me to flinch in pain with food in my mouth which stops the whimpers from flying out. I don't think this cream is helping with the pain instead it seems like it's making it worse. And the pills given to me by Phila's brother are just as useless as the cream. For now I need to start begging my mother to let this go. I can't have myself prove how right my father was all this time.

"Ma..." She turns to me with her hands diped in the water that will be used to wash the dishes. She's not smiling like she's used to nor is she as happy as I would like her to be. Her eyes dimmed from allowing any light through. "Can... may we..." I sigh. I don't know how to go about this in a respectable manner. "What is it Buhle?" She is really mad. She normally calls me baby which is sweet because her tone just yields to the love souring inside of her. "Ngicela (please)... could we please not inform Baba about this." I say slowly bitting my bottom lip. "About what?" She asks then goes back to washing the dishes.

"Ma please, the last thing I want is to have to deal with uBaba telling me that he was right all along and that Phila is a monstor." She continues what she's doing as I stand there feeling like I'm at the edge of a cliff and my fate will be determined by my mother. "Oh so you agree that you are in an abusive relationship." Yoh when did I say that now? I don't remember saying something about abuse so why? "No I am not in an abusive relationship and no you cannot manipulate me into thinking that I am. Ma it happened only once ok and he apologized it's not like I am being kicked around his place all the time." But it didn't happen once.

Phila is not a jealous man, possessive yes but far from jealous. I know that he won't just be angry because a guy decided to have a crush on me or rather touch me and look at me in a way he won't appreciate. My mother is just blowing things out of proportion. "Ok Buhle. Do whatever you want baby, just know that I will be here whenever you need me to be." She still has her back on me. I feel like she was too quick to give up but I don't want to push this. I am too tired and in pain to he arguing about something that I know I won't win. "What about..." I don't even get to finish my sentence before she interrupts me midway. "I won't tell your father anything. It's not my place."

No one understand me, they don't understand the love I have for Phila. I don't think they ever will.

But it's our love. Just us two.