𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞, ᴋᴀʀᴍᴀ ᴀ.

31 | just in time

───── ❝ guilt  ❞ ─────

[karma akabane]

We returned to our rooms after a long fucking night of trying to save our asses from a drugged drink that wasn't even lethal.

I fought back the raging headache as my head sunk into a cold pillow. My throat stung as I took in a deep breath. I felt my forehead, and cringed at the oiliness and sweat; I didn't bother to shower because I was exhausted. 

But what worried me more than the symptoms of the slight inhale of poison and ingesting some of that juice (ya'll know the purple gas right) was the fact I was merely to blame for the severe state Emei was in. 

This was a new problem that carried new shitty emotions to beat me with.

This new guilt ambushed me like a predator, yanking at my collar and spitting in my face because I made her sick. I made her sick. 

It was eating me alive. Worst of all, I couldn't apologize. I mean━I tried to, but I don't think she heard me...

I know I'll have to tell her she got so sick because of me, but a part of me doesn't want to. I heavily dismissed that idea knowing how cowardly it'd be of me to hide this from her━all because of my insignificant fear that she would hate me. 

Breathing heavily, I raked my hair back with my hands, thinking of how I'll break the news to her the next morning. Sleep caught up to me; my eyes felt heavy and ready to fall. I couldn't muster up the energy to turn off the lamp and closed my eyes. 

The next morning, Nagisa and I wandered mindlessly downstairs to find the stupid breakfast buffet everyone was talking about in our group chat. 

Nagisa flipped his phone upside down to comprehend the hotel map better. He groaned, asking ritsu for help.

As we followed our GPS in comfortable silence, Nagisa confronted me about an issue he noticed last night.

"You seem kinda tense. Is it about Emei?" 

I furrowed my brows, wishing he didn't bring this up. But, considering I wasn't trying to hide my 'depression' it was pretty obvious that I was down in the dumps. "I guess. Why does it matter to you?"

"Because we're friends..? If it means anything, you didn't know it was drugged. It's not your fault she got sick."

"If knowing that solved anything, I'd feel much better already," I sighed heavily, rubbing the nape of my neck. 

The bluenette laughed to himself and patted my shoulder. "It's refreshing to see you care about someone so much besides yourself."

"You're not the first person to say that. it's annoying."

I elbowed his side playfully, earning a yelp from my companion. "Hey! Sorry! I didn't mean it like that. It's just...I don't know, I've never seen you feel genuine feelings for someone."

"Well, it's not impossible for me to have a crush, y'know. I just need to get this guilt off my chest, but I'm afraid that if she finds out I'm the reason she got sick...Maybe..."

"She wouldn't get mad." Nagisa shook his head dismissively, which reassured my worries to an extent. "You and Emei are close enough to easily get passed this. It shouldn't affect you badly, Karma."

He gave me a closed eye smile.

"I feel like I've been messing up a lot, Nagisa. My relationship with Emei might seem okay to you, but, there's been some problems between us. Then I get her sick. It just doubles my stress. I feel pathetic."

I placed my hands in my pocket and turned around to face the blue-haired boy. "How do you do it?"

Nagisa's face blended with concern, confusion, and shock all at the same time. "Huh?"

"How do you deal with it? Your life was on the line and you were cool and collected. I feel like the thing I'm going through isn't anything compared to that, yet I'm so confused. 

How could I be so sensitive, that accidently hurting someone I care about hurt more than gambling my life like you? I don't know. I'm struggling to get my priorities straight."

Nagisa took a moment to process my words. This was definitely the first time I had opened up to him. It was difficult; I'm not one to be honest with people about my feelings. 

First Rio, now Nagisa. But what mattered most to be was being honest with her. Having this conversation with him helped me sort out what I should tend to now.

"I had no idea you were going through a hard time...Thanks for telling me now." He flashed me a closed-eye smile. "But what I did wasn't that impressive, y'know. I just did it because I knew I had to."

A comforting and understanding smile, one that was always there. Nagisa never failed to offer his company to me. He never shied away from me like other people did. I never had to make an effort to keep him close, he just gravitated towards me. 

But that was the thing that separated him and Emei. 

Nagisa and I are friends. I don't need to try to get his company, it's just natural. It used to be that way with her.

"I think you'll be okay, Karma. If you apologize, and really show that you're gonna change, Emei will forgive you...And maybe opening up to her can be the first step to fixing your situation!" 

The corners of my lips pulled up. I held out my fist and Nagisa raised his, pounding it gently to my knuckles. 

"Thanks."

"Hey, guys. The breakfast buffet is this way."

A rough voice grabbed our attention. Chiba's messy hair peaked out from behind the wall as he revealed himself. We whipped our heads and exchanged an awkward moment of silence. "Uh...Am I interrupting something?"

I cocked a brow at what he was trying to imply. 

"W-What!? N-NO! Sorry! Let's go, Karma. I'm starving," Nagisa stammered with a red face. He jogged in the direction Chiba stood and I followed behind.

We shared a glance before separating to our respective tables for breakfast. 

Rio, Kayano, Sugino, Okuda, and Nagisa took my mind off of this morning. 

But I could feel a few glares on me from across the room.