Fragile

7. Bathroom

A week later I was starting to get into a better shape. With motivation from Leo, I had lost eight pounds this week. It had been rough and I had binged once. That was horrible, I was so disappointed in myself that I didn't eat anything at all for two days after. But it worked. Now it was Tuesday, we were officially supposed to start the group project in biology tomorrow. Fox had been kind to me all week, which was actually quite surprising. But I had only eight pounds left to my goal weight. Then I'd be happy about my body and stop my poor eating habits. I want to achieve it fast.

But right now, at six PM, mom wants me to eat. She just doesn't know about my struggles and I want to keep it that way. She can never know about my eating habits.

"Oh I'm not hungry. I ate a huge lunch at school already." I smile to my her, completely lying to her face.

"But that's over six hours ago?" She frowns.

"Of course I ate snacks too. I'm so full now." I lie.

"Okay, well I'll leave your dinner in the fridge. You can microwave it in the evening." She says and leaves my room.

"Thank you!" I yell after her. I had to finish my homework and study for exams, but it became harder every passing day. My head felt like it was filled with fog, probably from too low calories. But oh well, at least I'd be skinny. I just have to work harder. Don't they always say that beauty is pain?

***

Hours of desperate studying I fell asleep on my table. I was too tired all the time... nothing made sense about school and my head felt like exploding from the constant headache. I was so scared of failure but the thought of eating was overwhelming, I couldn't. I just couldn't. I might binge again. I'll just lose the ten pounds and stop this.

***

My waking up was like a torture bomb, my every limb felt weird and weak. Sunrise from the window didn't help with my headache, it just made it worse. Let's just hope that this nausea doesn't last long. I usually got nauseous after not eating for a while, but it wasn't anything serious.

But without minding that, I got up and started to apply make up. I scare myself as I look into the mirror. Eye bags the size of plate and my thick long hair looking more fragile than ever before. The little light pink from my cheeks had left, I hadn't eaten for twenty eight hours exactly. And more was to go.

My concealer bottle was almost empty, but I sigh and force the bottle to serve me at least a little of it. That way I wouldn't look like a chubby but dead zombi. I apply the rest of my makeup routine, making me look at least one bit more pretty. But no make up ever could make me look skinnier. So I needed to lose the weight quickly to look even more beautiful.

I get up from my vanity and go pick a cute brown zip up hoodie with print on the back, and basic black flared jeans. I then go check myself in the mirror. I still looked chubby. Still. I looked slightly better after losing the twelve pounds in the last three weeks, but that wasn't nearly enough. I needed to be thinner.

With a heavy sigh, I leave the house and run to school with my last energy drops. I burned almost a hundred calories in that, felt so good. I could feel the heavy pounds setting me free, getting thinner by every single movement. It felt great. Hunger felt euphoric, I loved the feeling of being in control. It was overwhelming and powerful. Much more powerful than urge to binge again.

The math class was like trying to speak a new language today, it was impossible. My head did just not function things properly enough. I tried, but only got halfway done my normal work.

Biology is next, having high hopes for myself there made me do a not so great decision, buying two cans of energy drinks. I've never actually enjoyed energy drinks but I needed to be good at biology. I couldn't fail it too, it was depressing enough to probably fail the next math exam but being skinny was worth it. Right?