Fragile

14. Friday

PE was the scariest part of the whole day. Friday afternoon our last two hours were always PE, and I couldn't shake off my bad feeling about it.

But I had enough reasons to seriously hate it this time.

First of all: I had to change in front of everybody to fugly shorts.

Second of all: if we we're going to practice anything with running or jumping or anything that made me out of breath, I was genuinely scared of fainting.

Third of all: Dahlia, Leo and Abby were all there too. It would be awful with them, for the whole morning today, they had glared at me, talking shit about me. And it hurt. I didn't want them to see me being vulnerable trying to run there, Leo would just call me fat again.

Fourth of all: Fox was in that class too, if he saw how bad I was in everything, he could be ashamed of me and not want to hang out with me anymore.

I try to shrug off my thoughts and focus on my math calculations. I was tempted to just pull out the Frankenstein book out of my backpack but the teacher would probably kick me out of class for that. This was only the second class today but I was already exhausted, not eating in over three days. I lost count about hours, but it was well over three days.

I was 125lbs today morning, but who cared. The skinnier the better, plus I'd eat tomorrow. I didn't feel skinny, when I watched myself in the mirror this morning before leaving to school, my body was still chubby and fat.
Losing another 15 pounds couldn't be that bad, right? Maybe then I'd look skinny!

"Livia." My teacher mrs. Monette sighs heavily next to my desk. I jump a little, startled because I hadn't seen her come.

"Sorry?" I mutter back.

"Have you gotten anything done?" She asks frowning.

"Um." My cheeks starts to burn from embarrassment.

"Thirty minutes into the lesson and you have done nothing? I don't get it." She says sounding disappointed. "Here's your test." Mrs. Monette hands me my test results, looking grumpy.

I should've been surprised for looking at the huge C- mark on it. But I wasn't, I had not studied nor done any work. I didn't even feel anything when looking at the result, this number didn't even matter anymore. The scale number however was much more important.

"Thanks." I mutter and fold the stupid test to my backpack. Mom would kill me.

"You used to get straight A's, what happened?" Mrs. Monette frowns.

"I don't know." I answer quietly.

She sighs and walks away, not even bothering to ask me if everything was okay. Not that I would've told her or anything if she had, but it would still be nice to feel like someone noticed your struggles.

I bury my head into my arms for the rest of the lesson, falling into light sleep.

***

I spend the recess in the library again, reading about Frankenstein. It was surprisingly good book for a classic. It got my mind away from other things so I loved to read it. My child self was coming back to life again. Reading also had a huge bonus side, I had seen somewhere that it burns calories. But that's just a bonus.

The stomach pains for not eating were violent today, I had never experienced something so intense. The pains lasted about five minutes but god damn it hurts. I know I should eat, but I don't want to. Beauty is pain. I remind myself, doubling myself on the dusty floor and eyes watering, trying my best to keep my mouth shut. How I wish Fox was here to hold me again...