Fragile

44. September

I groan in frustration when I wake up this morning, and today I actually had a good reason.

School was starting again.

My summer, my whole goddamn summer was spent trying to recover and get my shit together. Fox's eye bags grew darker every passing day, with less and less spark in them. I don't even know why, he never tells me. And to be honest, it really worries me but I don't know what I could possibly do? It must be his parents, I've figured. But that still doesn't explain it all.

"Livia you're awake right?" Mom knocks on my door with great force.

"Yeah yeah." I mutter, rolling out of my worries.

The weirdest part of my recovery, still hated that word tho, was that it never feels like getting better. If anything, I'm getting better at acting.

In this household, we don't talk about my eating habits. It's like, nothing was ever wrong. That's mom's way of dealing with pain, forget it. She just ignores everything and forgets, so it doesn't hurt to remember. She has taught the same for me and Elijah.

"You're getting late!" She keeps knocking and makes me annoyed.

"Alright got it!" I yell back and rise from my bed. "I'm awake." I then say more friendly.

"Good. Breakfast is in twenty minutes."

I hear her steps getting further away and I begin to plan my outfit.

Skirt with a long sleeved top, that should work. Outside was still hot, but my ugly scars on my arms were too noticeable for a short sleeve. One more thing I regret starting, because now these scars would possibly stay on my skin like glue for the rest of my life. Stupid stupid decisions.

But otherwise I think the outfit is cute. Tho the only body length mirror I had was in the bathroom so I don't know how ugly I look. But I mean, I wasn't that fat anyway. At least nobody has said anything about my weight beginning to rise, so it can't really be that much up.

I put on mascara, a little blush and highlights to make myself feel better, which always works. Only my cheeks had gone a little fatter, but it wasn't really that noticeable. Hopefully.

"Elijah are you awake?" Mom begins to torment another morning victim next door. Somehow she was the only one in this family who had morning genes.

I ignore Elijah's and mom's starting argument about whether my brother has to go to school or not, while I run off to the bathroom.

At least now I wouldn't have to listen to that.

One glance at the mirror makes me feel worse about the whole outfit. Being skinnier made me wear braver clothes and enjoy how my bones were sticking out. It made me feel more confident and comfortable. Now tho...

Nope. I wouldn't think that. I look just fine. Besides it's not possible to gain that much weight in just one summer. Tho I did leave my calorie countings aside.

I brush my still yellow teeth, forcing my sick, burning need to pull out the scale and see how fat I had gotten to back away.

I look fine. This is going to go well.

"Breakfast is ready! Hurry up or I won't have time to drop you off to school!" Mom keeps her torment on. Months ago, I would have said 'later', been late on purpose so I'd have to walk, lose more calories.

These days I was different. I didn't want to be. But there wasn't a choice really.

I hop downstairs, finding blueberry pancakes with syrup on the table and mom setting plates for us.