Fragile

13. Alone

Fifty calories. Too much. I toss the apple into a bin. I couldn't risk my weight loss, Fox already tried to sabotage it but I wasn't going to give up. Fine, I'll eat but no one can stop me from throwing it up. This is my body and no one else's, so I get to make a choice if I look fat or not. And I want to look loveable. I want someone to like me, I don't care if the liking is due to my body or personality, I just want to feel loved.

Just until I am 125lbs. I think and leave my house, lowering just a bit my goal weight since I already got to 130lbs yesterday night. I had exercised and thrown up my dinner, getting hundreds of minus calories for the day. And I was proud of myself, until I fainted again due to the harsh workout I was doing and no eating for 46 hours. But it was just for a while, since I would stop at 125lbs this time, really.

Mom could've driven me to school, but I want to lose the pounds fast. Only five pounds. I remind myself.

100 calories burned. With a little thinner body I walk inside the school building. This morning in the shower, I washed my hair but got a not so great surprise when a bit of my hair fell out. It wasn't the first time, but it still shook me. My beautiful hair, the only thing I liked about myself. But good body was worth it.

Dahlia sits in her seat, we had literature for the first two hours before getting into math class. She is staring at her table with a force in her eyes, not bothering to even glance at me.

"Hey." I say to her quietly. She doesn't spare me an answer. "Dahlia, about yesterday-" I start to apologise but her sudden anger burst cuts me off.

"Leo is right you know! You're a fucking terrible friend and I don't know what has gotten into you but I can't stand it!" She looks at me with flames in her eyes. My classmates were starting to glance at us, whispering to their friends. Obviously speaking about our drama.

"Nothing has gotten into me!" I yell back, a little caught off guard. I had no other choice but to lie, not until I reached my goal.

"Well in that case Leo is absolutely correct what he said about you!" She rants and burns my heart with her filthy words.

Look at your body before talking you fat whore, Leo had said. I had expected it from Leo, but Dahlia too? This hurt much more than it should've.

I don't stand it one second more, just find myself an empty seat in the back of the class, far from Dahlia. She doesn't try to stop me from leaving, my best friend for five years felt like vanishing into thin air.

I want to say that there's nothing to do for our friendship, but the answer was simple. There was a lot I could do to save it, but at the same time I couldn't do anything.

Because I had the choice. Fat and friendly or toxic and skinny. And I had already made my decision. But it still stung a bit. A lot actually.

The lesson starts, but I don't even try to do anything. Numbers kept appearing into my head, and this wasn't a math class. Calories, my weight, food, and I couldn't concentrate.

But what did it matter if I didn't have good grades anymore, if I was thinner, nobody would care about my grades anymore. I'd be free from stress and almost everyone would like me. Leo and Dahlia were just jealous and wanted to sabotage my weight loss.

***

When lunch break rolls around, I find myself in the school's library, surrounded by old and dusty books. I came alone, leaving my previous best friends to chat together. Gossip together, have fun together.

This part of the school was closed due to the toxic mold, but since no one really paid attention to who hang out there and who didn't, I was pretty safe. But no one else never went here, everyone said that you get cancer by just smelling the air here. It was probably true, the smell was horrendous, but I couldn't give any more fuck about that right now.

I could see the whole school yard from the main window which was huge. This library was the highest place you could possibly find in our school.

After yesterday and today's incident with Dahlia, there was absolutely no way of me going to sit with them. I could find Fox and sit with him, but I was too ashamed to do that. Besides he'd just wonder why I wasn't eating so it was better off this way. Alone.

I grab a random book from the shelf, when I was younger I used to read lots of books. It kinda just was forgotten and I haven't really touched a book in the last four years. Other than school books I mean.

The dust covers the book covers, but I wipe it off, just slightly disgusted. Frankenstein it said. Classic. I open the filthy covers but in between them is just hundreds of molding pages that seemed to be eaten by some creepy-crawlers.

I make a disgusted face but decide to keep the book with me, hoping that it wouldn't infect me with its filthiness.

I go to sit down on one of the tables, since the only chairs left looked like they had barely survived through the second World War. Tables were still okay, barely but still. I open the Frankenstein book and begin to read, safe from everything and everyone. At least here was calm.

I'm startled by a loud ringing noise after twenty minutes of my peaceful reading. In here was absolutely no noises, only peace. And mold, but if you ignored that, it was lovely up here. A glance at my phone tells me that Fox was trying to call me.

I hesitate a little before answering, but pick up anyway after a while.

"Hello?" I say, my voice hoarse from this moldy place.

"Liv? Where are you?" He asks.

"Somewhere. Why?" I just shrug off.

"I didn't see you in the cafeteria, do you want to come eat with me?" He asks.

"No thanks." I tell him and hang up, not wanting him to start the begging part.

My stomach grumbles and I'm happy to be alone. Fox calls once again, but this time I completely shut my phone off and continue to read the book that was surprisingly hard to read. At least it takes time and effort so I won't have time to be depressed about my eating habits.

***

Home wasn't a sweet home anymore. I was lucky today since mom was working and not at home when I arrived. We had been mute to each other ever since our big fight two days ago. She had no idea of my food habits, no idea about my struggles and I wanted to keep it that way. We just fought about my rudeness and changed attitude, she just didn't know that it was all due to the eating. And myself, because I could no longer control my emotions.

"Hello?" I yell, just to make sure that no one was home before my workout started.

No answer. Leaving my backpack to our living room I start to run up and down the stairs. Over and over again, eyes blurry but I don't care. One more time. I say to myself, but I say it over twenty times until my legs say 'none more times' . I collapse to the ground thanking God that they didn't collapse in the middle of the staircase.

I wasn't really even hungry anymore. It was weird, I hadn't eaten in almost three days. But I didn't want to end my fast now, so I push myself up and walk shakily towards my room.  Towards the scale. Black spots had started to dance in my vision, but I fought through them.

The scale wasn't pleasing me enough, so I decide to go just one more day fasting. Then I'll eat, on Saturday, maybe a whole meal even. Maybe.

***

I go to sleep at five PM, trying to do my schoolwork before bed but words kept shaking in front of me and my thoughts were too distracted, so I couldn't focus.

Mom comes to wake me up at seven to eat but I just tell her to go away and she bangs the door shut when she leaves, still angry about my attitude. She hates me, I know that. Maybe she doesn't love me anymore. But maybe that's for the best. At least then she'd just easily leave me alone when I said I didn't want to eat.

I was a horrible daughter, sister, friend, person. But I don't even care anymore.

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Words: 1528