Fragile

35. Darkness

"That was rude young lady!" Mom begins
nagging.

I roll my eyes, "I have things to do."

"How can you even get a boyfriend with that attitude of yours? Have I not taught you anything?" Mom frowns looking disappointed but my head hurt and my limbs felt like failing me.

"Alright I'm sorry." I mutter and then quickly sprint my way to my room, not caring about mom's stupid concerns.

I shut the door behind me and fall on the floor, exhausted.

All I wanted was to sleep, and lose the fucking weight.

Today, I had no energy for my daily evening exercise routine and felt guilty as I crawl my way to my bed.

My Spanish exam was tomorrow, but that was the very least of my problems. My abdomen and limbs hurt for some reason, and I nearly cry out from pain of the hunger. Everything in my body hurt, but I couldn't eat. I would not allow it. Beauty is pain.

So I fall into deep asleep, after taking two sleeping pills because I knew otherwise I'd just roll around my bed wincing in pain.

At least I'd get a good night sleep, that basic need I allowed myself.

***

My clock wakes my grumpy ass up and I immediately feel the hunger pains grow even worse.

It feels like death wants me already, but I refuse to die because I was not skinny enough.

I have to get another day without eating.

That thought fully wakes me up, since I needed to immediately check how much I weigh. I scramble upwards, feeling dizzier than ever in my seventeen years of living, but manage to get my way to the bathroom.

I lock the door behind me and strip out of my clothes, then step to my calculator of happiness. It the scale showed a bigger number than I wanted, my whole mood of the day was gone. If it was tinier than I wanted, my mood was doubled and I felt happy.

Today, it was however pointing at exactly 100 pounds.

I had lost three pounds, in just one day. That was freaking awesome. I wonder what kind of things I'd thrown up if I lost that much?

My stomach felt flatter than yesterday and I take a few measures of my arms and thighs.

Smiling at the number, I take my toothbrush and begin to brush my teeth. Blood starts to flow through my gums and I see disgusting looking white spots covering my tongue. Not that it was a surprise, I'd thrown up so much in the last months. My mouth would give me cancer in no time and whatnot else.

But all of that was nothing compared to the body of my dream, right?

Though yesterday's kiss with Fox had made me feel disgusting. I was disgusting, and he was probably disgusted by me. It was embarrassing and I was scared of what he'd say to me at school.

What if he never wanted to kiss me again?

But I just had to throw up, I didn't have a choice. It's the only thing that made and will make me truly feel in control, even if it's not a good way.

***

I choose to wear baggy jeans with a hoodie, so nobody could see the progress I had made yet.

As soon as I'd get into 90 pounds, I would go out in skin tight shirts and cute jeans, and not look fat. My Elena Gilbert dreams were about to come true.

"I made you a sandwich." Mom says as I hop downstairs, just to lose more calories.

"Thank you, looks delicious." I say and take the four-hundred-and-fifty-calorie ham cheese mayonnaise sandwich from her hand. "I'll eat it on the way." I would never eat it.