Sincerely Luna Rose

...

Dear world,

I can see myself in the meadow, the one that I went to with my father and Nathan when we were little. I'm five years old again, searching the meadow for a four-leaf clover. I want to beat Nathan because the first one to find the good luck charm won the game and also gets the 'good job' pat on the shoulder from Dad. They also get all of the luck of a four leaf clover, which is always great. I always want my dad to be proud of me, to tell me that I've done a good job, so I keep my head down in the clover patch and count the leaves on each clover.

Three.

Three.

Three.

I've got nothing.

"Hey," Nathan crouches down beside me with the first four-leaf clover in his palm. He always found the first one. "You get this one."

"What?" I ask him in confusion. He loves being the winner. "Why, Nathan?"

He just shrugs a little bit and sits the delicate green little plant in my tiny palm. "I don't believe in luck."

"Yes you do, Nathan, you always get the most clovers," I remind him.

"Not anymore, Luna. I'm giving this one to you," He insists. "But you know the rule. You have to eat it to get the good luck out of it. If you don't eat it, you won't get lucky."

I watch as a wide, troublesome grin consumes his childish face and I grimace, hating that rule so much. Those clovers are really good luck but they taste terrible. I do it anyway though. Nathan has to be right, he's right about everything. He's brilliant, perfect. The best big brother I could ever ask for, and he's giving me all of his luck.

I find a clover on my own and I hide it in my pocket for later as my father, in a different patch just a few yards away from me, finds about four in his luckier patch. He gives each of us two and then Nathan gives me his two. I don't know why doesn't want his clovers anymore. Doesn't he want to be lucky?

When he's not looking, I sneak three of my clovers into his hoodie when he takes it off because it's getting too hot. Because even if he doesn't want it anymore, I want him to be lucky.

I eat my remaining three clovers so that I can be lucky too and then I'm running around the meadow with my dad, who I admire, and my brother, who I adore. And we dance in the grass with grins splitting our faces in half and we have the time of our lives. But then the grass starts growing at a rapid pace until it's winding itself around my ankles like vines and I can't run anymore.

When I look up to ask my dad or Nathan for help, they're both gone. The meadow is empty, I can't go anywhere, and I'm reminded that this isn't real anymore, it's just a fading memory. Maybe it's my heaven. I don't know. Given my track record, maybe I'm in hell. I'm reminded that the two people that I loved the most are now gone from me forever. My dad ran away, my brother has sold his soul to the city. This is my hell.

So, world, I guess that this is it for me? I guess that I'm dead? But I'm just starting to get my shit together. Despite what I've said in the past, I don't want to die. I'm not ready. But really, is anybody ever 'ready'? I don't know.

World, I've eaten at least fifteen clovers worth of good luck and I've gotten nothing in return. So I'm cashing all of that in now. Give me my long lost luck. Please, don't let me go.

Sincerely
Luna Rose