Love Me At My Worst (Kylo Ren X Reader)

Chapter 16. The First Order mourns

"You told Hux." Kylo said forlornly. You looked at his torn robes and unruly hair. He looked absolutely disheveled from the recent events. The fact that you had been adamantly ignoring him probably didn't help either.

"He deserved to know." You felt a pang of hurt in your heart for the would-be husband of your best friend.

"Its a shame. He seemed truly happy with her. The man was always obsessed with work, but on the days they spent together he seemed, less tight." Kylo's voice quivered. "My greatest fear is losing someone I love, I couldn't imagine being in his position."

"I'm sorry for ignoring you!" You blurted out. You watched as his expression turned from sorrow to that of almost relief. His lips were pursed into a flat line as he approached where you were sitting. He held out a hand and you used it to stand. As soon as you were on two feet he pulled you into a warm bear hug. His arms held you to him like he couldn't bear to let you go.

"I'm so sorry we had to leave her." He choked out. You listened as his heartbeat steadied while holding you.

"I know."

" I didnt want to lose you. You're the only thing that has ever shown me kindness in this world. I cant lose that."

"And you won't." You looked up at him with a small smile. His brown eyes searched yours for any anger you could still be harboring at him, but he found none.

"Your smile is like the sun piercing through a nightmare right now." He said before pressing his lips softly on your forehead. "For someone who claims to want peace for the galaxy, the resistance sure does cause a lot of destruction." He said darkly. You nodded in agreement.

"Do they have a death count yet?" You asked with a heavy heart.

"The entire barracks were taken out first. Only the stormtroopers in other sections of the base survived. So that's at least 7000 casualties alone." You let out a shocked choke.

7000 people. They slaughtered us like cattle.

"And the rest? " You asked, unsure if you wanted the answer.

"Could be close to 15,000 personall." He said grimly. You tucked yourself to his chest and tried to block out all thought. "I've heard it being called The Day of Annilation by higher ups. Hux is supposed to give a speech after things calm down, I'm sure he will use something to that effect."

Your heart sunk as something hit you. You had been too busy mourning Saw to think of much else these past few days. Your mind had completly skipped over the other personall you cared for.

"Kylo. What about cooking staff?" His eyebrows narrowed in confusion.

"What about them?"

"Did any of them survive?" Your heart was beating fast as he thought back.

"I don't believe so. I don't remeber seeing any on the list of survivors." He said in puzzlement. "Why? Who do you know in cooking staff?"

"Another dear friend."

You couldn't believe it. Your best friend was gone and now your father figure. You had to make sure that it was true. You tugged on Kylo's arm you headed into the main hall where all the survivors had gathered. And you wandered over to the list of already confirmed deaths. You scrolled down the list , until finding what you needed to see. You let in a sharp intake of breath.

Brott Undershine-Kitchen Head

"Well." You said, beaten. You had no more tears to give. At this point you wouldn't doubt if you were dehydrated. "Kylo I'd like to go back to my sleeping corner now." He nodded glumly and escorted you back. You watched as injured people passed you. Nurses with lost limbs and technicians with gunshot wounds. You passed a fellow Officer you knew from training getting stitches in the head. You reached the room you had been assigned for sleeping and Kylo sat down spreading out a few of his loose robes for you to lie on. You curled up with him on the cold metal floor. With nothing but your thoughts and your sadness.

They took them. They took everything. All I have left is Kylo. You snuggled into Kylo's chest. They are no better than the First Order. Neither side deserves to win this war. The First Order wants supremacy but the Resistance kills without thought.

You sat up slightly, realizing Kylo was now fast asleep beside you. You looked at his calm face, such a peaceful thing in this time of cruelty.

You had made a realization.

You didn't want to be part of either side. You wanted nothing to do with this war. However, before you completly unaligned with either side you had one last goal in the name of the first order.

Kill the son of a bitch who shot Saw.