Love Me At My Worst (Kylo Ren X Reader)

Chapter 18. Truth

Hey Guys i'm sorry i didn't update yesterday, i truly had planned on it. Complications occurred when my cousin showed up at 6am wanting to go Geocaching. I didn't end up getting home until 9 last night. Anyway, enjoy my smol children!

"There will be transfers to the old post at The Three Moon Star-systems. We will send most of the important personal there until permanent housing will be found." Hux announced. His speech had been bland, nothing like his usual ones. He stared straight ahead, eyes unmoving. You knew Saw's death was taking a toll on him, but due to his job he would push it down. You turned to Kylo with a look of concern on your face. You wanted to ask him something but the question might alarm the people around you. 

Is this the end of the First Order?

He flinched slightly under all his armor and you knew he had heard you. With a low grumble he responded. 

"That is quite a possibility." Thoughts raced through your mind. 

"The First Order is strong." Hux proclaimed. "We stand for Order in the midst of chaos, we despise the free will of the resistance. We will crush them." His words were strong but they fell flat due to his lack of passion. You didn't want to listen to the sad excuse for a speech, so you quietly slipped out. You knew Kylo would follow you so you took to the sides of the crowd. You turned into a small observation room that was empty at the moment. You turned around to face Kylo and he took his helmet off and set it to the side. His eyes search to yours for an explanation of your leave. You took a deep breath and sat down in the chair behind you. You clapped your hands together and started anxiously rubbing your palms.

"Kylo you are devoted to the First Order are you not?" Sweat appeared on your forehead as he sat down across from you.

"I am." He answered swiftly and immediately, as if he had said it so many times before. He cocked his head in confusion. "Why do you ask?" You leaned back slightly in the chair, your fears playing over in your head.

I want to know if he really wants to stay with the First Order. But if he does and I ask he may question my own loyalty.

"I mean, do you believe in their cause anymore?" You held your breath as you watched the conflict in his expressions. His hand gripped the arms of the chair he sat in. You could tell that after being so open about his emotions with you he was having a hard time bottling them up again. 

"I-I do." He said firmly. You cocked your head to the side and brought a hand up to cup his face. He flinched slightly at your touch. His eyes bore into yours as if asking- no begging you to stop talking. 

"Or do you just listen to what Snoke says?" A panicked expression lit up his face and he shook his head.

"No! Well-Yes but I mean, No!" He stuttered. You sighed and brushed a bit of hair from his face. You could see that this conversation made him extremely uncomfortable. 

Maybe this is too much for one day. 

"I'm sorry Kylo. Never mind." You got up to leave but he grabbed your hips and held you in front of him. He stood up and his face was eerily close to yours. 

"No. Don't do that." You held your breath as he struggled how to word his thoughts. "Don't treat me like i'm a child who cant comprehend you." His eyes turned serious as he held you close to him."Do you, support the cause?" 

Did you trust him? Could you tell him your true feelings? 

"I don't. I don't support either side. I thought i believed in the First Order but I think I just enjoyed the feeling of belonging to something." You said firmly. His eyes looked down to the floor.

"I-I don't either. I thought the First Order was where i belonged because of my Grandfather. I thought if I killed Han it would remove my ties from the light but-" He looked up at you. " I don't know what to do. I cant go back to my mother, but I don't want to stay here." He said with a desperate look. You almost wanted to cry. He felt the same way you did. You quickly wrapped your arms around him in a warm hug. 

"I'm so glad." You admitted. "I was so terrified you would hate me or that you'd disagree." He pressed his head against your shoulder and you reveled in the feeling of just holding him. 

"I could never hate you." He said lovingly. 

"Kylo." You parted from his embrace and looked him in the eyes. "Will you leave with me?" His eyebrows raised in shock. 

"Where will we go? Like i said i cant go back to my mother, and I don't really want to." You shook your head. 

"The Neutral planets. Somewhere far away. We don't need to be a part of their war." His hands took yours and he held them tight. 

"How?" He said with a slight whimper. "They'll never let me leave. Especially now when the First Order's numbers are so small." Worry crossed your face. As Snoke's prize pet, taking Kylo with you might be a complication. 

"I don't know." You said honestly. "It'll have to be spur of the moment when we get the chance. We both will have to be ready at a moments notice." He nodded. 

"God i'm so relieved." You said with a nervous giggle. "I didn't know how to tell you." He smiled and gave you a small peck on the lips. 

"I didn't even consider talking to you about it. I just assumed you were loyal." He grinned. "So i guess this makes us both traitors huh?" You laughed and hugged him again. 

"I don't want to be with the First Order or the Resistance. I just want to be with you."