Pensieve

Pensieve 11: On Faith

"Once I was someone who often asked for evidence of God's existence. I wanted to believe and have faith, but I wanted to believe on the basis of something tangible, visible and comprehensible to my earthly head. I wanted to be someone who not only believes, but could also defend my faith from others who might question it, because I did not want to be laughed at for believing something I could not fully understand. I now fully realized with mortification that my actions were not dictated by faith, but by pride. I could not bear the humiliation and persecution I would suffer from believing, not being able to answer their questions, not being able to defend myself and what I believe. In my contemptible vanity, I wanted to be someone who could be seen as someone who understands God. In my idiocy, I kept thinking that faith is like a criminal's case - something that could be proved by mere cold, hard evidence, by testimonies, by revelations. I have failed to realize that suffering persecution merely for believing was not shame, but honor, the utmost manifestation of our love for something right and good. And now, after so many long years of searching, asking, debating, condemning, theism and atheism and theism again, I now come to the realization that the very beauty of faith is faith itself - believing without evidence, and yet still trusting. Trusting openly, not blindly. In a way, faith is like love, as God is like Love - in that faith cannot live where there is no trust."