Pensieve

Pensieve 26: I Cannot Love You

"What's the use of having a heart, if you are not allowed to be with the person you love? What's the use of knowing what love is, if it could only hurt deeper than hell? It's so easy to mistrust and misbelieve others, but you...no matter how many times they tell me how notorious you are...you remain innocent in my head...though I know you are not perfect...though I objectively perceive you as flawed...in my head, you remain an angel compared to everyone....and all I can do is constantly convince myself of your imperfection, of your faults...and that I do in vain...the more I convince myself that you have someone else in your heart, the feeling that you love me grows stronger...the more I convince myself to love someone else, the guiltier I feel for feeling I betray you...I am the most logical, cold-hearted, sadistic, evil and rational person I know...yet I am quite certain, that if you're in danger, I could do everything to save you, protect you...even if you have another woman in your arms...even if the whole world hinders me from doing so. Even as I perceive that loving you is sin, I cannot stop, I cannot let go... Forbidden to be with you, how I long for you to kiss me till I'm out of breath and I die...long to die with your lips on mine...die with the feeling of being in your arms, loved and desired by you...even though I go to hell upon my end...for I have committed an action that which is my deadly sin...and I commit it utterly, helplessly, thoughtlessly, with all my mind, heart and soul...that sin of loving you. If it is salvation to leave you and deny my own heart, then salvation must be the most painful thing that ever existed. How they laugh at me, how they whisper, that life with you has no future. But apart from you, I feel, I have lost not only the future, but my present, and all of me, as well."