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Pensieve 61: We Deserve Better Than Those Who Did Not Choose Us

Either we meet them or they are already in our lives. They may be family, friends, lovers, employers - anything or anyone. The point is we wanted them, loved them, needed them, treasured them. They were special to us because part of our world, if not the majority of it, revolved around them. But for whatever reason - chance, timing, fate, or simply our humanly imperfections - they did not reciprocate that feeling. When we were ready to let go of everything so our hands can be free to hold on to them, they did not take it. We chose them but they did not choose us back.

And it hurts. More than that. It is the sort of pain that kicks you in the nuts and impairs your self-esteem. Rejection, no matter at what point in our lives, have this way of telling us that "we are not good enough". We can do our best, or do our worst, we can choose but it doesn't matter in the end because it does not make a difference. And it's really sad because all you ever wanted from the people you want is to want you back. What wouldn't we give just to have a moment of them wanting and choosing us the way we do? Everything. And if it's needed, more than everything.

We deny. We get angry. Our days are filled with why's and how's and what if's, often in a cycle where we get stuck for so long. There's nothing or no one to answer them, so we try to answer them ourselves, because the most painful questions are those with no answers to them. And even if we know the real answer, it is not good enough. Sometimes, we'd rather ask the questions than find answers to them. Sometimes, we unconsciously prolong the grieving process, because the pain, regrets and questions we have are the only things still binding us to the ones we lost, filling the void of the place that they left.

And all of that is okay and normal. If we are lucky, we eventually get over it and accept everything, hopefully without losing ourselves. It might take a short time. Good for you. Or it may take longer, to the point that we think ourselves crazy for holding on for so long. There's nothing crazy about being truly human. There is no pain that ever truly disappears. We just eventually learn to dress it up and live with it. And part of the grieving process is not only accepting the loss, but also accepting the pain that comes with losing something.

Hopefully, it happens. But even though we get over it, the damage to our self worth might never disappear. It is difficult to forgive rejection, but even more difficult to forgive our selves. That is where the real loss lies. We may constantly blame ourselves for everything that happened even though we are aware that it is not our fault. And after all is said and done, we might end with the conclusion that we might not really be worth it after all.

Why is it so easy to put ourselves down? Why does our psyche find it easy to tell ourselves that we are not worth it? Why is it difficult to believe that we are worth it and deserving?

Because we have the tendency to run away. Not from grief we are facing, but from the The anger at that person or at what happened, which we should righteously feel and express before we can finally forgive. We know we are angry, but we do not fully feel it. Because sometimes it is so much easier to blame ourselves than to be angry. No one really wants to be that way. Recognizing our anger is also recognizing that we've been hurt and we just cannot accept that. So we end up blaming ourselves instead.

Here's the thing though: we've been hurt, we are angry, and the human thing to do is to take responsibility for our own feelings. To feel it, express it, release it. Only then can we finally forgive, not only the people who hurt us, not only the rejection, but also ourselves. Only then can we start regaining some of our own self worth back.

Forgive them and yourself and don't look back. Do not be a slave of the past. Every negativity in life is part of our story, and you have to believe in the legacy of that story. Rejection is the road block sign in life that tells you that the road you can't drive through is not the right place for you. Simply because you deserve better. We all - with our humanly strengths and weaknesses, plusses and flaws, whims and quirks, perfections and imperfections, dreams and fears, gains and losses - deserve so much more than those who did not choose us. We cannot have it, simply because, we deserve better than the things we can't have.