Pensieve

Pensieve 27: Ever Since I Met You

" What the hell...I feel...ever since meeting you...you never really left my head. A decade of thinking about you, worrying about you, thinking I possess you, longing for you, wanting to save you, protect you, sacrifice for you...I keep waking up each day with you in my head and go to sleep with you as my last thought. Over the years, no matter who I fell for, at the end of the day, when my mind is at its most relaxed, it strays only to you, in the most natural, helpless way, as if my mind's home is you...as if my mind was made specifically for thinking of you. When I think about it, it's really absurd. My mind, the part of me I treasure the most, the part about myself I most considered mine, is uncontrollable when it wants to think of you. You possess not only the mind, but  my cerebral cortex and my hypothalamus as well. It's been ten years, but despite the pain, the cruelty, and the adversities that come with it all, I do not feel tired of this feeling at all. With each passing second, it just grows until I feel it could overwhelm the whole of me, until I think this feeling is no longer a part of me. Rather, I am a part of it, captured in it, imprisoned, helpless, without any imaginable escape. I tried reason, pride, guilt, fear, insecurity, selflessness, rationalization, prudence...and tried in vain. No matter what I do, no matter who I talk to, no matter where I am, and no matter how many years pass by, I miss you and can't forget it, can't deny. I only realize it now, when, after a long time, I finally gained courage to break the barrier and open the gates to you. How I long to just drop everything I am fighting for, to just drop every other aspect of my life, run to you, be weak and submissive to your arms, your lips, your eyes, and never, ever leave. Everyday, I battle with this temptation, and almost always give in. But it's hard, for my feelings are like a wind that always carries me to your direction. Blowing so forcefully, I always fight a losing battle, and the more I resist, the more my entirety trembles with this feeling. And when I think about it, what exactly do I like about you, anyway? What is it about you, that others do not have, that makes me feel this strongly? There simply is no reason. There is only unreason and irrationality, the very core of Love itself. And having loved you, no matter how hard, no matter how painful, I feel I've seen some salvation for my sin...and feel nobility in having loved someone for no reason. They tell me I made the wrong choice...but, to have truly loved unconditionally, to have discovered this part of me that feels this way about you, because it is about you, I feel I have found my reason, and part of God Himself. Despite pain and tears, I am truly happy. For existing in this world, Arigatou Gozaimasu."