Pensieve

Pensieve 14: The Differences Among Love, Crush And True Love

The Difference Between Crush, Love and True Love

Crush: I saw you on that first day. God, you were so handsome back then! And so intelligent and so kind. It was "I fell for you in an instant". You glanced at me and my cheeks turned red. You sat next to me, during that quiz we were having, and I became aware how loud my heart could beat so, how it could deafen me so, seemed I could hear nothing but your voice and my own heartbeat. You brushed my sleeve, I stopped breathing. You spoke to me, your voice seemed to fill the world, and it became the only music there. Oh, wasn't it bliss when we're together! Demo, I soon found out a lot of things about you...that beneath that attractive exterior was a person who was such a snob, slob, oh, the most terrible things a person could be. And all my feelings faded for you...as if waking up from a dream. And I wondered why I even felt that way around you, what came over me. And I realized I was in love with the idea of being in love with you.

Love: Despite crushing on a lot of others, hmmm...what is it about you? I knew you're my crush but why is it...when i first saw you, I was aware of "living" for the first time, that I had a real heart. And how I felt like I just "died", my whole person seemed to exist only for you. My days start by thinking of you and end with dreams of you.  How I so want you to be mine and how I want to be yours too! And how my happiness is being with you. And how you light up my world rose pink just by smiling at me. Just a word from you, just one simple glance, and it seemed I could do anything. You asked to walk home together. And you walk at such a snail's pace! Did I hate that? No, instead I despised my big feet and fast pace for which I'm often admired, I worked so hard to slow my pace enough to match yours. And how I wished then that we would never reach home, that time would stop, wanting to walk forever with you. That quiz in MSEP, I will never forget. How you got such a low score and how you cried, and how I not only wanted to catch your tears and wipe them, but also wished that I could get a lower score than yours, so that I could share your grief. How I had only one bread left, and you wailed that you're hungry, and it seemed the eleventh commandment to give it to you, even though I knew I would starve. How I jumped for joy when you asked me out! Oh, and how I got hurt when I found out you had another. And how I still asked, looked and searched for you, even though I know I won't find you. Growing old, turning sixty, fifty years from meeting you, I see how your face, once handsome and smooth, turned wrinkled. That hair, once shiny and black, turned dull and grey. And still, my will was to live and die for you, despite giving me that memory of a broken heart.

True Love: Who are you? That person...never seemed to exist for me before, although when I first met him, he changed me permanently. That person, seemed only part of the background...or was he only? When that person says hello...so what, I thought...or did I think the opposite? That person...I don't know much about him..do I want to?. He wasn't my crush, not particularly handsome, not someone I dreamed about. That person...when he says something...it seems so trivial...yet I can't ignore him...I smile at him because he would be happy...but why? Then I started taking him seriously, and I became honest, so honest, to that mysterious person...but why? It seemed I could tell him a lot, how I wanted to share myself with him...but why? And how, when he's in pain, even if i don't have that saranghae feeling for him, how I help him...but why? Knowing he would be hurt...I give up a lot of things for him...but why? And how, so many times, I thought about him...but why? How drastic and bad and terrible I could be...if it would be for the good and happiness of that person...but why? And I never realized how much I was doing for him, never realized how I cared for him, never realized how many times I worried about him, because it was second nature to do so, natural, automatic, part of me. Who is he?...that mysterious person... Then we grew up and drifted apart, and I never looked for him, only remembered how hurt he was...and I hurt too...but why? And how many times I still thought of him...but why? Then I meet him again, and it's hello for me, demo, he only wanted to say goodbye. And I walked away, demo, I couldn't sleep. I kept wanting more of that person, it seemed so wrong to cut the connection with him, I couldn't put him behind in the past, it seemed I wanted him to be part of the future too. Trying to forget him was like trying to remove a part of myself. And then...a message..."I'm leaving" from him...and I started feeling as if my world would break, and there was that terrible feeling in my heart I never felt before and I cried as I never did about anyone before. So much pain, ah, a terrible pain, and a fear I never had before, all welling up my heart until it seemed it would burst, and all I could think of was running after him, begging him not to go, no matter how rude, no matter how improper. And then I finally realized, after decades of density...who that person really is. That mysterious person...is my most important person. And when he smiled, turned around, and held my hand, I felt something click, and it sounded like the promise of a lifetime. And it all seemed natural, as if that person, was a part of me all along. And literally, I felt complete for the first time, for a part of him pieced with me like a jigsaw puzzle piece that fitted itself. And after that, even trying to imagine I'm single, is like trying to split myself in half, I'd rather die than separate from that person, rather die than feel that pain. I am bound, heart, soul and person...to my most important person. And then I was able to know for the first time the mystery of "true love". Crush is a feeling, focused on the person's attributes. Love is a feeling, ignoring the person's attributes. But True Love might or might not be a feeling....and a power, more powerful than our own will. No spark, no fireworks, no excitement, no magic, no crush feeling, no love feeling, no development, or if there is, it doesn't last long, but only a power, unseen, unfelt, unheard, but there, natural, absolute, something that cannot be perceived, a part of you all along and you never realize until time comes for you to, until God sees fit for you to. It is a conviction, light, silent, that you have to live and die for your most important person's happiness. A silent power...unable to be defied, and you have no choice, you're powerless, you just bow down to it, because you do not even realize it's happening...in a way, like God himself. And no matter how many fairy tales depicted true love, I sometimes think there's more to it. In a way, that innate search for True Love, is like an innate, unconscious manifestation of our search for God Himself.