Haven Uprising

Lena

I was in a small field, a rare occurrence in haven. The characteristic balconies and walkways overlooking it and the buildings rising up almost infinitely high above. There was a barrier on one of the far edges stopping anyone from falling into the rest of the city.
The dry grass around me a perfect circle of off-colour yellow. Outside of the circle was a blackened expanse of what I knew had been grass.
The sky was a beautiful blue expanse above us, punctuated by the occasional wispy dark cloud.
Smoke curled off the burnt bits and into the sky.

A smaller figure stood next to me, barely up to my hips. She had a red and blue captain marvel top , along with a stretchy denim skirt, but her legs and arms were bare. Her hair was short, cut in an androgynous style, with just visible sides and an undercut similar to the one I had now at the back, but the top was a lot longer. It probably would've come down to her nose, but instead it stuck up in the air
Her forearms and hands were etched with thin red lines, but she didn't have any of the thick, painful scars I did.
I knew who she was and where we were instantly.

No. Not this; not her, please.

Another figure stood across from me, around the same size as the first. His hair was long; down to their butt like mine was now. They were called Lena, and they were still figuring themself out. He'd been experimenting with pronouns at the time but right then they'd gone for he/they. I still didn't know if he'd settled on anything afterwards.

There was someone else standing on my other side. Someone that shouldn't have been there at all.
Celestia.

"Autumn, where are we?"She asked, looking directly at me.
Not the small me, but me-me.
She couldn't be here, she couldn't see this.
"Celestia how? What- why are you here?"I asked her. I grabbed her hand and led her away from the children.
"I- I don't know,"She replied, turning back to watch them play,
Lena was throwing fireballs at Five Year Old me, and I was hitting them back like a baseball game.
Craters were scorched around Lena, and his hair was a mess. They were fireproof, so it wasn't too dangerous, but I knew reversing velocity was difficult and I felt a twang of guilt for small me.
"You can't be here,"I told Celestia,"You- this is private."
"I'm not gonna judge you for- Oh. That's you isn't it,"She gestured at small me,"We've all played stupidly baby, you don't need to worry about it."
She rarely called me pet names, but she knew I loved it.

She sat down on the grass, patting the space beside her for me to sit.
I did, leaning on her for what could be the last time. After she saw what was about to happen would she ever look at me the same way?

"It's not the playing,"I told her.
She didn't probe deeper.

This was a much more detailed dream than usual.

I watched a ball of fire arc through the air towards the other me, but instead of hitting it back, she caught it in the air, the cuts on her arms opening a bit more, elicting a cry of pain audible even from here. The fireball froze between her hands and just floated there.
"Autumn, stop its hurting you,"Lena asked, moving towards her protectively.
"I'm okay don't worry,"She replied as Lena stopped just in front of her,"Its pretty."
Lena nodded, smiling.
"I- I think I can make it bigger.."Small Me murmured.
"Be careful please,"Lena replied, worried,"Fire hurts people."

I knew full well what was about to happen, but my eyes were transfixed on them, even as they grew wet.

Small Autumn brought her hands further apart, thin cuts slicing through her upper arms. The fireball grew larger, the flames changing from deep orange and yellow to a white-hot core with blue sparks emmanating off it.

Lena's eyes were wide in amazement, he gingerly reached out to touch it.
Her teeth were gritted from holding the fireball in place, and tear tracks ran down her face. It hurt. A lot.
I could see that much.
She couldn't hold it for much longer.

"I can't... Hold it,"Young Autumn told them through gritted teeth.

I wanted to look away.
But I couldn't.

Just... please. Not this.

Autumn screamed, letting go and curling into a protective bubble.
Cuts ravaged her arms with the defencive shield, but Lena didn't have anything protecting him.

The blast incinerated the grass, throwing up clods of mud and threw Lena backwards, as the energy hit the shield. A dozen fires burnt all around us.

Young Me brought the shield down, standing and looking through the smoke that had formed.
"Lena!!"She called, the fear evident on her face. She ran in the general direction they'd gone in.

"Autumn?"Celestia asked quietly,"Are you okay?"

I didn't cry easily. That was one thing I liked about myself. And even when I did, it was almost unnoticeable, because I was silent.

I took a sharp breath in, before realising that was exactly what I was doing.
I shook my head, wiping away a tear.
I opened my mouth to say something but my voice was all choked up.
Really fuckin helpful.
Celestia ran her hands through my hair, which seemed to help a tiny bit.
I took a shuddery breath, relaxing a bit more into her.

The smoke cleared a bit and revealed where Autumn crouched.
She stood over a furrow in the ground, the deepest part of which had a charred body in it.
Lena was still alive, but only just.

"Lena are you okay?"
"I-"He tried to lift up an arm, but it crumbled into dust.
"MOTHER!!"Young Autumn called. I didn't ever call her. Unless shit was really fucking serious.

"Autumn,"Lena called quietly, and I saw young me turn to them, wiping away her tears,"Autumn, It hurts."

That was what did it for me.
I turned away, crying into Celestia's chest.
I didn't want to see any more. Or hear any more.

So I didn't see Lena go weak.
I didn't see Small Autumn futility try to wake her up.
I didn't pick up the strong charcolly smell of burning flesh.
I definately didn't hear my mother get there.
I didn't hear her yelling, and I didn't hear the blow she gave me across the face, and how I was a fucking murderer and that I was fucking wrong.
I didn't see her glance down at Lena's body before she called an ambulance drone.

I didn't hear the drone arrive, and the robotic pilot offer me entry with her.
I didn't see my mother hold me back, and say that I'd done enough.

All I heard was my own sharp breaths as I cried into the chest of someone who might not even like me anymore once they realised what I really was.
The real reason I hated hurting people so much.

I was a murderer, and I absolutely hated myself.