Haven Uprising

I Tell Myself That Something Bad Is Going To Happen

I opened my eyes and I was back there.
With them

Reyna's headless body dropping to the ground in front of me; Morwenna's expression of horror as she saw her wife's corpse crumple.
"Autumn, How could you let this happen?"She yelled at me through her tears.

Gideon burning to ashes in the sunlight, his scream through the pain. The tears vapourising from his eyes and the knowledge he'd never get to see Nico again.
"Autumn, you could've stopped this,"He roared, as his mouth was torn away.

I closed them again, and I floated in front of a broken building in the half light of night-time.

The first thing I saw was the torn apart remains of a bedroom; the bed itself in splinters, shards of tech lying around the room.
Someone could've been in there.
Any number of people could've been in the buildings I'd destroyed.

I shut my eyes tighter, shaking my head to clear it but I was floating in the sky, thinking only of revenge.
They fired at me, and I vapourised the volley.
I spread my hands, only now staring at them in horror, as I felt their lives go out.

Those people...
I didn't even know them.
If they wanted to do this or were forced like Pinkie was.

And now they were dead, because of what I'd done.

And Then I was on top of Vindicator, my entire body burning with pain.
I felt my fist tear through her chest and I looked at her.

Not just a glance, but I really looked.
There was fear in her eyes, and her jaw was definitely broken.
Her head looked weird and she had a billion cuts in a lot of different places.

She looked sorry, if anything, unless it was just my imagination.
"Autumn, Who gave you the right to judge what people deserve?"She declared, traces of anger in her voice.

I wrenched my hand out of her chest, trying to wipe the blood off, but it just stayed there.

And then I was All the way back there, over His body, the blood still on my hands.
"Autumn, it hurts,"They told me, looking up at me, with accusation in their eyes,"Autumn why did you do this to me?"

Their eyes welled up with tears as the charcolly smell of burning flesh filled the air.

"What did I ever do to you to deserve this?"
"I- You didn't-"I started.
I reached out a hand and he cowered away, more of their body crumbling to ashes.

Tia came up behind him, and I was glad to see them for a second. Then Gideon. And Luna. And Nico and Reyna and Morwenna and Ellie and everyone I'd ever cared about.

They all spoke with the same voice.
"You are a monster, Autumn René,"I cringed, moving backwards away from them

I tripped over something and then I was sat down, unable to move.

They surrounded me, chanting that damning word over and over again.
That word I'd been thinking as I'd done all those atrocious acts.
I was still a monster.

I curled into a ball, trying to block them out, but they were inside my head and I couldn't close my eyes.

A long thing coiled around me, seemingly shapeless, and yet with trillions of thin dark tentacles glowing with a soft scarlet light.
Red lines traced over its body, getting brighter towards the eyes.

They weren't really eyes, just being blazing crimson orbs that stared right at me.

"She messed with your memories,"It spoke, its mouth not moving at all,"They're hiding where you really came from."

"Valkyrie talk to me, is my girlfriend gonna be okay?"A voice that sounded like Celestia's asked, and then I just couldn't remember what had happened before.
I-
Could only remember the word monster.

I felt a force gripping my hand, but I felt weak.
Too weak even to open my eyes.

I tried to move that hand, not really accomplishing much.

"She's been through a lot Celestia,"Valkyrie's more machine-like voice replied,"Just give me time."
Tia squeezed my hand again, and I felt sleep beckoning.

I still didn't one hundered percent get this dream thing.

Like it didn't really make that much sense. I went to sleep touching someone and suddenly they were in the dream too?
Sure; really easy to understand.
Valkyrie could probably find out if she analysed my powers properly.

But that could wait.
All of that could wait.

My surroundings coalesced into the endless expanse of soft green grass. The sky was cloudless, a bright but cool blue.

That pressure was still around my hand, but this time I knew what it was.
"Hi Autumn,"Tia greeted with a small smile, sitting on the grass.

I sat too, staring back into her eyes.
She was back. She wasn't dead at all. We were still together.

"Hi Tia,"I returned, still staring.

I took a deep breath, trying not to cry again.
But I failed and a silet sob escaped me as I went in for a desperate hug.

"I thought I lost you,"I whispered into her shoulder,"That we'd never see each other again."
"I thought everything had all been for nothing when Vindicator turned that thing on,"Tia added, a sob in her voice too,"But you're much more amazing than anyone could've expected."

That wasn't true.
I'd done things that weren't right.
That was all me.

"Autumn- I... Thank you,"Tia began,"For saving everyone you could."
"I didn't though,"I burst out, tears leaking from my eyes,"I hurt and..."The words were difficult even now,"Killed too many people to do it and I-"
"Autumn, you did what was necessary at the time, right?"Tia interrupted

"No. No, Tia I didn't,"I replied quietly, voice barely working,"No one had to die at all here. I could've knocked them out, put them unconscious or anything, but now they're needlessly dead because of me."

Tia was quiet, still runnning her hand through my hair like she usually did when either of us was stressed.
It helped.
A bit.

"Autumn..."She began, the words slow and careful,"I think I understand how you felt after Vindicator...you know." She sighed,"And I think you have to try to too."
I nodded, trying to take it in.
"I wasn't there to help. Nobody was, and honestly I think all of us thought we were dead for a bit,"She was quiet, weaving some strands of my hair into a plait. I doubted that would show up in real life,"Wanting revenge is understandable. I mean if someone takes everything from you, then you'd kind of lose your own limits, right?"

"That doesn't make it right though,"I replied softly.
"No,"Tia agreed gently,"No it doesn't"
"But do you forgive me?"

"Of course I do,"She finished, stroking the side of my face,"But that's not the question here."

She brought her face close to mine again and the only sound for a few seconds was her breathing.

"What really matters, is whether you'll forgive yourself."