Handcuffed

Chapter 20

Chapter 20

We were driving for what felt like forever. I knew it had only been a few minutes though. My mind was racing with thoughts that made me cringe. What if I can't defend myself? What if I just run the minute we stop? I knew she was very determined to get that beating in before I leave for good. So much so that I think she would even result in going back and waking Luke to come after me just because she wouldn't want me gone before a thorough beating. No, I couldn't just run. I either had to let her conflict that pain unto me or I would have to fight back and somehow delay her from being able to get back to Luke. Could I do that? Would I be able to? Because if I decide to fight her back, I couldn't just punch her and run. I would have to really hurt her, make it so she couldn't walk or was in too much pain at the moment. Hell, if I did that it may end up killing her.

I took deep, even breaths, trying to calm down and clear my head. The best option would be to just let her beat me; it would guarantee me freedom (if you can call it that). But it was instinct for me to want to fight back this time. Yes, when she use to beat me before, I would just take it because I became use to it and soon learned if I fight back, it results in more pain. This was not going to be a usual beating. No, this was going to be pure torture. And I don't know if I can just let her do that.

Silence surrounded us in the car as well as the cover of a blackened night. A beautiful darkness that always calmed me, always a shield. When I'm surrounded by darkness, I feel like I'm safe. Like it's my shield and I turn invisible from this world.  As if nobody can see me and I just don't exist. It was a relief to me. Even now as that blackness that covered me in the car crept into my spiraling thoughts.

I realized something at that moment in the dark car. The only light that was casting upon us was from the street lights we passed; those were quick to be gone as we moved closer to the edge of town, out in the country more. I kept looking out the window, not wanting to show any sign of me opening my bag. I slid my fingers lightly up my bag, feeling for the opening that thankfully wasn't zipped all the way closed. Feeling the opening, I judged that I could do it. I managed to slowly slide three fingers in my bag before I couldn't with the zipper being there. But it was just enough to silently dig under a few layers of clothes to feel the cold silver of the knife. Glancing to Clare, I noticed that her eyes were still ahead on the path the car lights illuminated. Watching her out of the corner of my eye, I slowly and carefully moved the knife closer to the opening, turning it with my fingers so it would fit through. 

By the time I was able to slip it out of the bag, I was shaking slightly in fear.  I carefully slid the knife up the sleeve of my hoodie, the blade first.  I shivered with the cool material sliding up and along the hair on my arms.  After it was fully hidden, with the handle just barely clasped in my hand, I looked out the window and found nothing but the darkness and shadows of trees.  My mind was racing still and I couldn't come to a conclusion on what I was going to do for sure. Of course, silence only could last so long between her and I before one of us would have to break it.  Clare did first.

"Nervous, my daughter?"

My heart jumped and stomach twisted when I glanced to her.  That glance turned into a scowl.  "If you are trying to scare me, it's not going to work," I lied.  "You are pathetic and talk a big show.  You are also incredibly stupid.  Always thinking about yourself and never the consequences of your selfish acts." I scoffed, hoping to distract her as I pushed my sleeve down a little, just to make sure that the entire knife was out of sight. 

Even in the small light coming through the windshield, I was able to see her eyebrows dip slightly in confusion.  Yeah, she always was a dumb bitch when it came to things that really counted.  She figured my words meant nothing; that I was just saying shit to make her mad from the shake of her head and an annoyed sigh.