The look in your eyes

21

Song: only the brave by Louis Tomlinson
(A message to Louis and Harry)

I found myself somewhat glad when friday rolled around. Liam had been smothering me all week so at least this date would give me a break from him. I had convinced myself it wasn't a date because I knew if I accepted it was a date I wouldn't have gone.

I let Harry take the reins with everything. This meaning I had no clue what I was about to walk into but by the boys giddy expression I could tell it was going to be good. As we parked my beat up car I caught a glimpse of the beautiful sunset, even nature wanted Harry to be happy.

He led me down the familiar track that I had walked down to find Liam. "I talked to Liam and he said you and Zayn met here, then you introduced Liam to Zayn right here. He also told me all three of you had some great memories here but he knew you would automatically make this a bad place because of Zayn so I thought I'd bring you here so we could make more good memories." Harry explained squeezing my hand every few seconds.

A rush of tears couldn't help but come to my eyes. Harry noticed straight away because he was like that. "Hey, what's wrong? why the tears?" He said swiping the tears off.

I shook my head at the whole situation. "It's just you are so good and I'm just so shit. I can barely kiss you without having an anxiety attack, I can't admit to myself this is a date because I knew if I did I wouldn't come. I'm a mess, why did you pick me?" I cried softly.

"I picked you because your are the funniest, most sassy, cutest,kindest, most beautiful boy I've ever met. I'm ready to take this as slow as you like." He hummed pushing my hair back slightly. He shone his bright smile. His smile was truly contagious because a small smile broke out on my face. After another quiet moment Harry continued leading me down the path.

The set up was perfect. A small checked blanket was set out on the grass. The light of the sunset reflected of the lake. A small arrangement of fruits were arranged near a woven basket. I hoped I could get over the small anxiety that bubbles like champagne in my chest about the food and just eat it.

"Are you going to just keep looking at it or sit down?" Harry laughed from his spot on the rug. I laughed in return and plopped down beside the lanky boy. "What's Liam doing tonight?" Harry hummed.

I smiled as I slid into his arms. "He's going on a date as well. You know Ashton Irwin? The Australian student in my year?" I asked softly finding absolute warmth in Harry.

"I'm glad he's getting over Zayn." Harry said and I couldn't agree more. Liam deserved so much better than some cheating scum.

I sat up from Harry's chest and turned so I was looking at him. "Harry, we can't avoid this any longer. I need you to promise you will treat me the same." I said honestly knowing I couldn't let Harry love me without knowing my flaws.

Harry just nodded tentatively as he sat up as well. "I would never treat you differently." He said as he grabbed my hand setting in this lap.

I took a breath knowing I couldn't go back now. "I was abused by my parents for years. Liam got me out of it luckily but thanks to that I have ptsd, anxiety, depression, an eating disorder and I self harm. I'm in therapy, I'm getting better but you have to understand even being here is difficult. When my parents found out I was gay they beat me black and blue. I'm getting better around it but if I ever pull away from a kiss or something like that know it isn't because I don't like you, it's fear. What you saw at Liam's the other week was a panic attack, it was triggered by the movie but they can be triggered by someone raising their voice or when I get told I haven't done good enough. I wear baggy clothes so people can't see my body, my parents always wanted me to be skinner and so now it's embedded in my that I have to be skinner but I'm getting better. I also wear baggy clothes so you can't see my self harm. I would understand if this makes you want to never talk to me again, I get it." I rambled a few tears pulling at my eyes.

Harry kept his eyes on me. It was hard to read him in that moment but I took the fact he still was holding my hand as a good sign. Before I knew it his lips were on mine. It was passionate and I could tell just how much emotion was behind it. "I would never leave because of that. Thank you so much for telling me. I'm sorry all that happened to you. I won't let anyone hurt you darling." He whispered as tears fell silently down his face keeping his forehead against mine.

I pulled away from the gesture after he finished. "I didn't tell you for pity." I said almost angrily even though I knew it was just because I was uncomfortable with people looking after me.

He just shook his head softly and took my hand into his again. "I know that." He assured me. We both stayed silent for a moment. It was peaceful, I loved it. It must've been five minutes before Harry started talking again in his beautiful voice. "I don't want to move too fast but will you be my boyfriend?"

In that moment I panicked. I remember being so conflicted. I liked him I really did but another part of  me was telling me how wrong it was. I must've looked petrified because next thing I knew there was a soft hand on my cheek. "It's okay if you need time. I didn't mean to rush you. I'm sorry." He hummed soothingly.

I decided to fight that stupid voice as much as I could. " nothing to be sorry for. I'd love to be your boyfriend one day but I need more time. I still like calling you pet names, hanging out with you and like kissing but we just can't make it that offical yet. I'm sorry Haz." It was a huge step in the right direction