Rainbow - Kellic // boyxboy

Chapter Twenty-Two

My leg bounces as I sit in therapy, absentmindedly flooded with unease. I've been uneasy since this morning when I woke up next to Vic. He was still asleep, so beautifully at peace. I had laid next to him for another hour until he woke up, just thinking. It was that thinking that triggered this anxiety.

"What's the matter, Kell?" asks Dr Levit as she gives me a concerned look.

"Nothing." I mumble. I don't like this feeling, so I don't want to focus on it. I'm just not in the mood for therapy today. This uneasiness is making me tired and I don't want to go into it.

"Come on, Kell. You're clearly upset, we might be able to sort this out. What happened?" she questions softly. 

"Nothing happened." I huff. But maybe she's right. Maybe I should just open up. I do need the reassurance. "Nothing exactly. I was just thinking a lot this morning and upset myself."

"What were you thinking about?" Dr Levit smiles sadly.

"It's stupid." I breathe. I really don't want to revisit those thoughts.

"Nothing you're worried about is stupid." She assures me. "Come on, it'll be okay."

Tears immediately brim my eyes which just makes me feel more stupid.

"Vic's just," I take a breath and close my eyes, feeling a headache come on. 

I hear Dr. Levit push the box of tissues towards me. I grab one and wipe away the tears that are slowly spilling from my eyes. I can't help but to laugh at how ridiculous I'm being. 

"Sorry," I apologise, giving Dr. Levit a tired smile.

"Don't be sorry. What's on your mind?" she lulls.

"He's so sweet and I really like him. I just don't want to hurt him." I admit.

My tension eases at the confession and the weight of my guilt feels a little lighter.

"Why would you hurt him?" Dr. Levit asks confused.

I swallow hard and look down at my hands. I pick at my nail to distract myself.

"I hurt Brandon." I whisper ashamed.

"Do you still feel guilty about it?"

I look up at her and nod. "He's still hurting."

"How do you know?" she asks.

"He's just acting completely out of character. He's been in like five different relationships since we broke up and I think he's drinking a lot. And he completely lost it at me the other day." I explain. 

"Maybe he needs some closure, Kells. Have you thought about talking to him? Telling him why you couldn't be in a relationship?" She suggests.

But the thought of having that conversation makes me feel ill.

"I don't think I can do that." I sigh.

She nods, understandingly.

"It definitely won't be an easy conversation but I think it might be beneficial for both of you. It's going to make you feel a lot better and it's going to give him a better understanding of what happened. I'm sure he's blaming himself and that's why he's so upset." She explains.

I nod, knowing she's right. But the thought still terrifies me.

"What makes you think that you're going to do the same thing to Vic though?" Dr. Levit asks.

I swallow hard and shrug.

"I just get so scared sometimes." I admit. "I can't even hold his hand in public. Sometimes I feel myself pulling away and I'm worry he's going to notice."

She nods in understanding and gives me another sad look.

"I know you don't want to hear it Kell, but communication is key. If you just explained your situation to him, I'm sure he'd understand. You don't even have to tell him everything." she suggests.

I sigh frustrated, my eyes flooding with tears.

"But why would he want to be with me after I told him?" I whimper.

"Why wouldn't he?" Dr. Levit frowns.

"Because I'm," I pause trying to find the words. "I'm inadequate. He deserves someone who isn't completely crippled by their trauma. He deserves someone who can hold his hand down the halls. He deserves so much better than me."

"Kellin, you're not inadequate. Don't ever think that. You have to understand that this is just your insecurities talking. If Vic didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be. He clearly like you. I don't think being honest with him is going to make him like you any less." she explains, but I struggle to believe her.

"Why is everything so hard?" I breathe, rubbing my temple to soothe the thumping in my head.

"The good things never come easy. That's just life. But you are one of the most resilient kids I've ever met. You can handle things, Kellin. Stop telling yourself you can't." she smiles sadly.

"I feel like you're seeing something I'm not." I chuckle. "I don't see myself as a resilient person, or a good person for that matter." 

She looks at me with sad eyes and writes something down on her notepad. Sometimes, I wonder what she writes about me but another part of me worries that there might be some hard truths on that paper that I'm simply not ready to hear.

"Self esteem is funny, isn't it?" She begins. "There are so many people around you that can see the good in you, Vic, Sam, even Brandon does, yet you can't see it in yourself."

Her words sadden me. Its so hard to even conceptualise that there are people that think I'm anything but a piece of shit.

"Why though? Why can't I see myself the way others see me?" I ask tiredly. 

"An abusive parent can be detrimental to a child, especially in their early teenage years when the brain has heightened neural plasticity and you're starting to figure yourself out. It makes it so much easier to form these thought patterns and much harder to change later in life." She explains.

"But my dad wasn't abusive. He only hit me once." I tell her confused.

She purses her lips and picks up her mug of tea. She takes a sip and looks back at me a little worried.

"Kell, it's been six years and you still don't see that your father was abusive?" she questions.

I just shrug.

"In my professional opinion, teaching your child to hate himself over something he can't change is abuse. Look at the damage, it has done, Kellin. His words and his actions are the reason you're here and they are the reason you can't see how wonderful you are." she explains. "It is not very often a court will revoke custody from a parent because they are homophobic, due to religious freedom laws and whatnot. And it is not very often that they grant custody to eighteen year old siblings. Clearly they could see that your emotional safety was being compromised." 

I nod, taking in everything she's telling me.

"What do you think would have happened if Sam never got custody? Like if I was still with my dad?" I ask her.

She looks thoughtful for a minute then she looks sad.

"It's hard to tell. That's something we'll never know. But statistically, LGBT youth with non-accepting parents are six times more likely to be depressed and eight times more likely to attempt suicide than youth who have accepting parents. I know one thing for sure, you wouldn't be happy." 

I think over her words, feeling a little sick by the statistics. My life might have gone completely different if Sam didn't step in. There's a possibility I wouldn't even be here right now. I wouldn't know Brandon, I wouldn't have Vic and I wouldn't experience the little pockets of happiness that come from the moments I embrace my sexuality. 

Every feeling of happiness, every kiss Vic and I share, every breath I am freely able to take, I owe it all to my big sister. Without Sam's undying love and selflessness, I probably wouldn't be alive today.