Catfish (Minizerk)

Chapter 22

CONTINUED TW:

---

Josh's POV:

"If I tell you what happened, you're going to think I'm an awful person." I sighed.

"It's not my job to judge you, Josh. You're a teenager, and I don't know a single teenager who hasn't made a choice that they don't regret." She said.

"I was dared to talk to someone as a joke, to try and get them to have feelings for me. I did it, but I ended up developing feelings for them. I fought with my friends over it, and I started spending all of my time with this new friend. Then my old friends told them why I really spoke to them for the first time." I admitted.

"What happened after that?" She asked.

"They told me to leave them alone, and nothing I said changed it. I hate myself now." I sighed.

"Why do you hate yourself?"

"Because they confided things in me that they've never told anyone, asked me to come round for emotional support, called me when they were sad. I was the only person who had ever done that for them, and now I've shattered their trust." I felt my eyes welling up for the first time throughout all of this.

She leaned forward and passed me a tissue.

"You said you'd been feeling numb. Are you feeling something now?" She asked.

"I'm feeling sad, and guilty, and angry at myself." My voice wobbled as I wiped my eyes.

"Tell me, you've been punishing yourself for what you did and also doing it to feel something. But you're feeling guilty, sad, and angry. That's more than enough punishment, and you are feeling something. Do you see any other reason to hurt yourself?" She asked.

"Not really. But this is the first time I've cried over any of this, so I wouldn't say my feelings have been punishing." I said.

"Why haven't you cried?" She asked. "I ask because evidently you've needed to."

"I hate crying. It makes me feel out of control." I admitted.

"Does it not make you feel even more out of control that you have to hurt yourself to repent? What do you think is better? To hurt yourself or to shed a few tears in private?" My lack of reply answered that question for her. "The other thing, Josh. You've been self harming for a while now, has it made you feel any less guilty?"

"No." I bit my lip.

"So is it really working?" She asked.

"No." I said once more.

"So why are you still doing it? You're permanently scarring your body, for no result. This isn't the answer, but talking to me is a step in the right direction."