You Are Mine: You Are My Everything

Chapter 11: Privacy

~Colin's POV~

I turn my gaze to the mirror in Emery's room, fixing my tie before I straighten my cuffs. I have a while yet to kill, Emery is still in the shower and getting ready for work, so I start checking her room to make sure we haven't forgotten anything.

Reese is going to have a colleague come by to grab the furniture today while we are at work. Everything but the desk will be donated to a group home in need. I will be holding onto the desk for the office I plan on making at the house for Emery.

I check inside the closet, running my hand over the top before checking each of the drawers on the dresser and end tables. When I kneel next to the bed to check underneath it, I pause catching the edge of what looks like a book between the mattress and the box spring.

I slowly get to my feet before I pull the mattress up. There laying just tucked between them are the two journals I bought Emery when we went book shopping. I pick them up and set them on the nightstand before sitting down on the bed, leaning back against the headboard. I glance at them frowning a little, my curiosity burning inside me. What has she written in them? What has she written about me? I shouldn't read them. I told her I wouldn't. She has the right to her private thoughts and ideas. But God I so badly want to read them. I want to know everything she is thinking.

Is she brutally honest with herself when she writes in those books? Does she write things down that she will never say out loud? Not to me, not to Mis MacWan, not even to herself.

I glance at the bedroom door. I can still hear the shower running in the bathroom across the hall. I grab the first journal and pull it open.

This one has little sticky post-it flags, C-Q's, J-Q's, TBR, bucket list.

I turn to the first page they are all questions about me.

1. Why does he believe he is incapable of love? — it's just a lie he tells himself

2. Does that mean he doesn't love me? — he says he loves me. Do I believe that?

3. Can I trust him? — I feel like I can, but can I?

4. How dark is dark? — Dark, really dark, I don't know if I can handle it.

5. What did he do to get himself locked up in Juvie?

6. What happened to his father? Where is he now? —Dead but how?

7. Will he let me touch him? —he's trying

8. Does he love me? — ?

9. Why black scrubs?

10. Can he heal from all this and be... normal? — I believe he can.

11. Does he want to be normal? — I think he does.

12. Why do I trust him? —because I do. Do I need a reason? Maybe I can just trust my gut.

13. Why do I still picture a family with him? — Maybe I am insane. Maybe I need to talk to someone about it.

14. Will he always have this darkness? —I don't believe he will.

15. Why does he want a baby? — because it will save him? In a way. It will be something he can finally see something he has done well.

16. What made him realize he needed BDSM? Was it really just Joyce manipulating him? — no it wasn't just Joyce. Can't be.

17. Is the BDSM some weird way of him committing himself to the darkness that he believes he deserves? — no a part of him enjoys it.