Save You Tonight

36.

It took only seconds for panic to set back in again. My mind racing with a million thoughts and questions. Do I love Harry? Is it too soon to be feeling this way? Am I even in a position to love someone right now? It's only been a few weeks since the whole incident with Kaleb happened, although I think things between us were over long before then. I didn't love Kaleb anymore at least, I haven't for a long time, something I've only recently realized. I think whatever is going on between Harry and I started when we first met. I know what I felt when I first met him and how I felt every time we were together. The last few weeks have been incredible, spending so much time with Harry has been a dream. We've really gotten to know each other and grown closer in that time and even though it's only been just over a month of meeting Harry, I think I can truly say that I love him.

The realization of my feelings makes me feel calm yet anxious. Nervous. Scared even. I feel a sense of calm knowing that I have finally made sense of my feelings, that I now know that everything I was feeling inside, all the confusing emotions and the racing heart, was just me falling in love with Harry. I was anxious and scared because I felt like I was moving to fast, that Harry isn't there yet and if he knew how I felt he might get thrown off and freaked out. I don't want to make him run because I've fallen for him so quick. And maybe it's too soon because of everything that happened with Kaleb. Wouldn't it take me longer to get over something like that?

I just won't tell him. Not yet at least. I will wait a few more weeks, a month maybe, when it seems like a fair amount of time for someone to fall in love. It's not going to hurt anything, not telling him. It's not going to change anything between us. Oh god, what if telling him does change things between us? What if he never feels that way about me and when I tell him that I love him things get awkward and he has to explain that he doesn't feel the same way? What if this is all just some game to him, like he's trying to see how long it will take to get me to let my guard down enough to finally sleep with him and then once I do it's adios! We're over. I know what I'm thinking is far fetched and ridiculous but I've seen guys do things like this, use woman in such a way. It's sickening and quite frankly I don't see Harry doing something like this, not when he's been so sweet and patient with me, but I'm still stuck going back to that dark place, the one that I've lived in for years now.

I try to calm my racing heart, afraid Harry will notice. We are still in the back seat of the Escalade, I'm now sitting in the middle, still right next to Harry. Once we started moving on the highway, I realized it probably wasn't safe for me to be sitting on Harry the way that I was. Even though I needed that closeness to help calm down from almost losing my mind over seeing Harry trying to get through that crowd, I settled for the middle seat next to him since I'd still be close yet be able to buckle up. He's kept his arm around my shoulder the whole ride so far, drawing random patterns on my upper arm absentmindedly. I played with the the hem of his black t-shirt, trying to focus on anything other than my feelings.

"Are you alright, baby? You still seem tense and your heart is still racing," Harry tells me, voice full of worry.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Still a little freaked out about what you just had to endure. That was scary," I tell him, looking up into his deep green eyes. Also freaked out because I love you.

"Yeah, I will be honest and say that's probably one of the craziest crowds I've had to walk through." His words don't make me feel any better and doesn't help calm me down one bit.

"Was it different because you've been away for so long that they were all just anxious to get something from you?"

"Most likely. I'm sure it will die down after a few days," he gives me a reassuring squeeze as he spoke and I hoped to god he was right

"Hopefully," I mumbled. I don't know if I'd be able to handle seeing Harry have to deal with something like that again. Then again, I kind of have to get use to it, it's part of his life. He's a famous celebrity, something I need to keep reminding myself. I think I just need to work on getting thicker skin so things like this won't effect me as badly.