"I'm scared Harry!" I shout, finding some courage to voice my concerns.
"Why? Tell me what scares you Maci and we can work through it, together," Harry asked, concern written all over his face as he watches me from where he stands in the kitchen.
...
I have never been so anxious in my life. My head was going a mile a minute and I felt so jittery, like I just got done drinking ten cups of coffee. Ever since seeing Maci downloading the songs onto her phone I haven't been able to sit still all day. It's almost four, almost time for my mum and Robin to get home. Almost time for Maci to get off work. I've been trying to be patient, letting her come to me after she listened to the music I had picked for her. I was giving her space, letting her make up her own mind. I'll be heart broken if she chose to leave me, I know I will. She is everything to me. I have a shitty way of showing it but I am truly sorry for my actions. I hope she sees that.
After being unable to sit in the house any longer and since it was a beautiful, sunny day for once, I decided to sit outside and work on some other songs I have been working on. I had to do something to keep my mind occupied with something other than Maci. Which wasn't really working because every line I came up with seemed to be influenced by her in some way. Just like my life now. There's not a single day, not a single minute that goes by where she doesn't take up space in my mind. I'm always thinking about her, always worrying. Over the last week or so she seems to have gotten somewhat better. She looked like she was eating, not like she was wasting away like she did the first few days after my dumb act at the club. She still had dark circles under her eyes, which led me to believe she wasn't sleeping. That was my fault. If I hadn't done what I did then she would still be happy right now and sleeping better. I'd still be able to hold her close to me at night and protect her from those bad dreams.
That week in LA was incredible, up until I screwed it all up that is. Being able to be with Maci like that, alone, just us too. Waking up to her every morning and watching her shy away from me because she was afraid of her morning breath. Cooking meals with her, laughing and flirting without having to worry about someone walking in and teasing us. I loved going to bed at night and having her crawl in next to me, wrapping her tiny frame around me, holding me like she needed me to ground her. It felt really good knowing that someone needed me in such a way, like they needed me to protect them. The fact that it was Maci who needed me made it ten times better.
The sound of a car pulling into the drive me caused me to stop playing my guitar for a second and look to see who had pulled in. My mum. Thank god. As much as I was itching to rush inside and talk with Maci, I ushered up all my will power and stayed right where I was on the blanket I had laid out on the grass. I waved to my mum as she walked into the house from the side kitchen door and went back to working on a verse that I have been stuck on for what seems like forever.
"Make a little conversation So long I've been waiting To let go of myself and feel alive So many nights I thought it over Told myself I kind of liked her But there was something missing in her eyes
I was stumbling, looking in the dark With an empty heart But you say you feel the same Could we ever be enough? Baby we could be enough
And it's alright Calling out for somebody to hold tonight When you're lost, I'll find the way I'll be your light You'll never feel like you're alone I'll make this feel like home
So hot that I couldn't take it Want to wake up and see your face And remember how good it was being here last night..."
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