In a Heartbeat (MxM)

Chapter 18

A/N: Sorry it's late again.  This takes place the same time as chapter 16. Let me know what you think! And it may be hard to believe, but Simon will have happiness soon, I promise.

Warning: Panic attack, non-consensual

Chapter 18

Simon's POV

Much to Aspen's dismay, I continued earning money the only way I could. We fought about it nearly every single night, but I promised him I would only reach out to guys we both knew and would limit to two a week. Even though we were barely scraping by, things were starting to become normal for once. With a routine based on Aspen's new job, we were starting to learn to find the little joys and victories. Cedar was focusing more on studying, and although behind for his age, he was starting to understand things faster. He could read almost every word in the newspaper even though he might not understand their meanings, and he was getting the hang of the sudoku problem.

Xavier had been in touch, as promised, and a few times offered to talk in person at the nearby cafe. Trips to the cafe were brief, but Xavier always made sure to keep me updated. He had told me Michael was, in fact hovering near the pack but didn't appear to be a threat so far. Even so, Vince had made a point to up the security.

I was still torn about the whole situation, in all honesty. Part of me wished Vince the best, that Michael would just leave him alone and not attack the pack. Not only to spare me the pain but knowing I couldn't possibly intervene and help Vince if Michael took things too far was unsettling. No matter how much he probably hates me, I couldn't help but want to protect him from Michael, even if it was impossible.

The other part of me, the realistic side, told me to let Vince suffer. Why should I even care when he doesn't? Losing the alpha title would be a blessing compared to losing your family and home completely. Vince had ruined his brother's chance of love too, so wasn't it only fair that he loses something he loves too? Wasn't that fair?

So when I told Xavier this dilemma, I thought for sure he would think I was crazy to even want to help Vince at all. That he would tell me Vince deserved hell and that I should move on already. Or laugh and tell me all the things Aspen tells me about how shitty Vince was.

To my surprise, Xavier didn't laugh. He didn't scorn me for my craziness, nor did he tell me what to think. Instead, he sipped on his coffee, before staring out the window wistfully.

"I wouldn't know what having a mate is like," he replied. "Maybe I never will. But I know, deep down, I think I would want what's best for them."

He sighed, before continuing, "others describe it as a yin-yang concept, or that when together, they feel whole and complete, but I honestly see having a mate as someone who makes their partner a better person. That even if they are separated, they will grow to their fullest potential because of one another, even if the love has died or never existed at all."

For some reason, Xavier's words stuck with me since then. He didn't scorn my conflicting opinions, nor did he try and tell me what to think. It was refreshing, quite frankly. To be heard and understood.

So when the sudden onslaught of pain hit me one day, I secretly wished Xavier's soothing voice and understanding was there to help me get through it. Instead, I had a frustrated Aspen telling me to get over it.

"But he's hurting," I told him, gripping the chair so tightly, I'm surprised it didn't break.

"Good," Aspen spat. "He deserves it."

My head was pounding, visions of Vince clutching his head were repeating. It wasn't the first time he's had these massive migraines, but it was the first time I had felt the full extent of the pain he was in this vividly. It was nearly as bad when he went through a painful shift.